Some days are just hard.
Most days, I’m a shiny happy person with song in my heart and glitter in my soul because why not? I have a wonderful life full of wonderful people. Still, every once in a while I have a day like today.
These days always begin with one thing or another triggering me to question my validity. I know by now what NOT to do when I’m feeling this way, but either as a test to my strength or just because in that moment, I abhor myself so much that I feel the need to prove to that am, in fact; as full of suckage as I think I am – I go out into the world trying to make myself more miserable.
Sometimes I feel as if the eating disorder I lived with for so many years is so desperate to control me that it manifests itself into wanting me to despise my character as I have my body. Just as for so many years I would stare at myself in the mirror, taking note of every inch of extra skin, every fold and every crevice-I now search my soul for every fault and flaw I exhibit.
I question everything, and make sure to stick some degrading comments in there for good measure. I usually start with specific incidents… Did I say the wrong thing? Is so and so mad at me? Why can’t I be better with money? Did you really need to eat a poptart for breakfast? You just made yourself look like an uneducated whore. Why the fuck can’t you hang up your clothes like a normal person? Why did I not make the right choices 5 years ago? REALLY? YOU”RE GONNA JUST SIT THERE AND THINK ON BAD THOUGHTS WHEN YOU COULD BE DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE?
When I run out of specific things I am angry with myself about, I begin shifting towards the transcendental questions. Why do I always do the wrong things? How could you portray yourself like that? What is so fundamentally wrong with me, that I ALWAYS say something stupid? Why am I so stupid? Am I too crazy to ever feel comfortable in this life? Do I do anything but make the people around me miserable? Why do you do this to yourself?
Why the fuck can’t I just shut my goddam brain off for two seconds and just let things go?
Then, when I can’t possibly fit another question or insult into my completely stuffed inferiority complex, I cry. I suppose it’s because there is no more room in there for abuse. I cry out all of the questions, the comments I’ve let get to me, and the fact that I just wasted so much time being selfish.
When the crying has run dry, I’m left exhausted. I don’t want to think anymore about anything. I let my mind be completely empty for a moment.
And then I reflect. I want to hug myself and offer an olive branch. I comfort myself with deep breaths and “there there’s.”
There was a time when I’d let sadness get to me for days, months at a time. I’m thankful I’m past that. I am confident that one day I’ll grow strong enough to let each incident roll past without having to grab hold and kneed it into something bigger.
For now, I’ll just take comfort in the fact that a week from now the insignificant, irrelevant thoughts I had today will have faded.
That, and there is always a glass of wine.