I keep pretty busy.
Partly because I’m afraid that if I don’t keep going, I’ll fall back into a funk. But Mostly because I’m majorly obsessed with everything in my life right now. I’m like a fat girl at a buffet. I like everything so much I just keep stuffing myself and stuffing myself until I can’t even walk… and even fat girls get to a point where they can’t eat anymore.
I’m desperately trying to find the right balance in my life. I know it’s important to take some time to myself but I just don’t want to say no.
My therapist gave me some good life advice recently, and she stressed that it wasn’t professional-but just something her grandmother used to tell her… (and she told me this in her adorable German accent) (Is it weird that I think my therapist has an adorable accent?)
“Say no 99 times for every time you say yes.”
She may have worded it a bit differently, but that was the gist.
Now let me say, when I first let that vibrate through my ears, it felt completely wrong. I’ve considered myself a “yes” girl all my life. After all, I get my gibbers from trying new things and meeting new people. Hells, I wouldn’t be doing ANYTHING with my life right now if I went by that philosophy.
I tried to explain to her that her grandmother’s little life philosophy went against everything I knew in life. I have spent the last 9 years trying to apply improv’s “yes and” principle to my life to expand my horizon and allow me to experience interesting scenarios and relationships. That and YES MAN IS MY 3RD FAVORITE JIM CARREY MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!! In fact, the only area of my life that I could think of that would have actually benefited from this was of thinking was my sexual past.
She shook her head at me and per usual, explained that I was black and white thinking. That philosophy wasn’t meant to keep me locked up in my room starving to death because I cannot even say yes to food.
Instead she asked me to examine some of the recent activities/favors/decisions in my life that have caused me anxiety. What would have been the consequences had I said no? Were any of those “yeses” chosen because I wanted to say yes, or were they because I was trying to please someone else?
And then I understood what she was trying to say.
I’m a people pleaser. Big time. And until I can learn to say no once in a while, I’m never going to be able to fill up my time with the things I truly want to do.
I’m not saying I (or anyone) should be above favors. Lord knows there is no better feeling than doing something nice for someone out of the kindness of your heart. I’m taking about avoiding situations that lead you into getting taking advantage of. Where there is little or no appreciation on the other end.
That, and sometimes there just isn’t enough time-and that’s OK too.
All that being said, I’m pretty pleased with all the “yesses” I’ve made recently. I love all the shows I’m involved in. I love my work. And I love LOVE LOVE the results of a photo shoot that I was scared shitless to take part in. (More pics will be posted later)
I guess my point is, my goal this summer is to make a little bit of time for some things I’ve really wanted to do.. and that’s going to mean saying no once in a while. I want to write more. I want to take more walks. I want to swim in every swimming hole Austin has to offer. I want to see the bats. I want to go kayaking. I want to have more lunches with the wonderful women I’ve met in this city. I want to paint. And if time allows it, I want to take an entire weekend away somewhere with no internet or phones.
It’s the little things people. And by golly gee, I’m going to make time for them.
And now, I’m off to do a performance of ANGEL LIVE at the Highball. If you live in Austin, you should definitely come and check it out. There are puppets and I get to maul one.
PS: A huge thanks to my man for talking all this out with me and allowing my brain to process all of this nonsense.