Freak Flag-FLY!


I used to spend a lot of time trying to come up with content for this thing. I didn’t want to come across as too sappy, or too emo, or too over the top. I should probably warn you that I no longer care. Sure, the ultimate goal is to share something humorous yet thought provoking… in theory. But the truth is, I’m just happy I feel inspired to put finger to keyboard again. So if I feel like writing something, I will write something. And if you don’t like it, shut your stupid face.

This week I had my first visit with a new therapist. I figured it was time for some maintenance. Plus I really really like talking about myself to someone who is required to give me their undivided attention…. as if you didn’t already know this.

It had been about 6 months since I have had any sort of official therapy and I had nearly forgotten how helpful it is. I truly believe that ANYONE can benefit from talking to an unbiased someone every once in a while. It really puts things in prospective. Granted, 9 out of 10 times – my sister, my friends, and my coworkers give me the same advice that the therapist gives me… but somehow it’s different when you pay someone to listen.

Since it was my initial visit with a new counselor, we had A LOT to cover. Three hours worth, in fact. Three hours of me giving her the rundown of every idiosyncrasy of my character, and every hardship I have ever endured. While it felt good to tell my story, it was a bit exhausting- to say the least. But it did make me realize something.

I’m dramatic. I’m emotional. I over-think and catastrophize every situation. I have a bad case of ADHD.  I have major sleep anxiety. I have general anxiety in nearly every situation in my life. I have a bit of an inferiority complex. I have absolutely no control of myself when I drink liquor. I’m constantly teetering on the edge of hypomania. I have a major case of body dysmorphia. I will probably never have a comfortable relationship with food.

I could go on for days about my emotional and behavioral issues, but what I realized was that I’m OK with it all. In fact, somewhere over the last year, I’ve learned not only to accept- but also to appreciate some of my issues… or at least the fact that I can acknowledge them and work towards dealing with them.

In the very least, they don’t freak me out as much anymore. The difference between this session, and the first time I met with a counselor last year is unbelievable.

That being said, I can’t help but imagine a world where I didn’t have to worry about keeping myself in check. Where I didn’t have to use “tools” like mindfulness and meditation to calm my nerves or talk myself down from cliffs. And especially where I didn’t act on such impulse all the time. Like, can you imagine if you could program yourself with your own, personal panic button that would prevent you from saying and doing things that you immediately regret?

Por ejemplo: Oh yay! Bob Schneider is playing my at my radio show’s Christmas benefit! He’s my favorite musician in the entire world. I should walk up to him and tell him about how much I love him.. and keep talking for about ten minutes until he looks like he might take off running in fear.


Carissa. Take a deep breath. If you want to say something to your most favorite musician in the world, fine. But for God’s sake, he doesn’t want to hear your life story, or how you once drunkenly wrote him a facebook message proclaiming your love. Just. Stop.


Por ejemplo #2: I’m at a co-workers birthday party drinking a little wine. Just the night before I decided to swear off liquor because SOMEHOW I ended up waking up on the bathroom floor of a boy’s apartment who I actually really like. Boss hands me a shot. Boy, I sure do love shots. Especially warm cinnamony whiskey shots. And it would probably make me a lot more fun to talk to.


Hey girl hey. If you take that shot, it’s all gonna go down hill. You’ll end up making an ass out of yourself in front of all your co-workers. Then you’ll proceed to call that boy you dig and ask, no beg him to pick you up. And THEN you’ll call your dad 10 times telling him you don’t know where you are. So, no… Don’t take that shot.

Sighhh… if only.

Instead, I have to learn these things the hard way. Stupid human body, unequipped with panic buttons. But I guess then I wouldn’t have anything to work on.

So until someone learns how to reprogram my head- I’m just gonna embrace my poor decisions and nutso brain.



Related posts:

  1. Freak Flag-What?
  2. Self Criticism: That Bitch Inside My Brain
  3. About Once Every Six Months, I Feel I’m Entitled To A Sappy, Serious Post: What I Want Out Of 28.
  4. Live Life like a Cliche (Oozing with cheese)
  5. The scariest moment of my life (for once not an exaggeration) and why I am the worst person to be around when shiz goes down
  • Jgc0010

    This might sound odd but this blog makes me very proud of you. 

  • Basicinterrogatives

    I’m not a big fan of cats, but I do notice two types of cats.  Alley cats, and house cats.  House cats live nice comfortable lives, eating canned food, and crapping into neat litter boxes.  Their lives are really REALLY REALLY boring… Then you see an Alley Cat, eyes wide with excitement, fur ruffled from a casual fling or casual fight.  They walk with a weary confidence, having seen and done more than they probably should have.  Their eyes could fill a novel with the life they’ve seen, but they have no time to write, for the streets are larger than them, and they seek to see it all.

    I’m not a huge cat fan, but I smile when I see an alley cat.  House cats get ignored. :)

    I love that your writing again.

  • dani

    Beyond the peace you will get yourself from embracing your Freak Flag, it also means that the people who are there to support you will be the ones who acknowledge and embrace said flag. So if you do totally fangirl out or take that shot your support network won’t head for the hills like you laid a silent-but-deadly.

    Also, i would like a pillow that says, “If I feel like writing something, I will write something. And if you don’t like it, shut your stupid face.” in fancy embroidery. Someone on Etsy needs to get on that.

  • Greenorangesinger7

    I really like this blog post! I’m actually going into the Psychology field-so, to hear you say how much a Therapist helps you out makes me feel all good inside because I will be making people’s lives much easier, like yours, in my profession!! And I’m really proud of you in that you love your flaws! That’s what I did last year and am continuing to do! Because those flaws make me….well, me! Thanks for sharing your blog post w/ me! Have a nice day!!!! :-)

  • The Constant Complainer

    I actually saw you on Twitter the other day.  Couldn’t believe it.  LOL.  Glad to see you back.  Hope to see at least blog post from you here in 2012.  LOL.  Bring back the “Truth or Dare” segment.  :)