I know that I’ve had several self epiphany posts in the last few months, but those moments are inspiring… plus they rarely happen, so when they do- I feel like I really have to cherish them.
The last year hasn’t been easy. I specifically remember writing last year that 2009 was the worst year ever, but I think that I can safely say that in terms of hardship, heartache, and hellamotherfucking tribulations- 2010 has hands down been the most difficult year of my life. Even though the shit has hit the fan significantly fewer times in the last few months compared with the first 3 quarters of the year- I’ve still been dealing with a lot of the poo debris.
I’ll even admit to you that less than a week ago, I was on the verge of the ultimate melt-down. The week following my move I had worked harder than I had in a long time at both of my jobs. I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hit a curb small wall and busted a tire. I lost my license, my debit card and then my temporary debit card at three different locations. Then got into a wreck. I literally thought about busting down the door to the closest therapist’s office and begging her to commit me to a looney bin so that maybe, just maybe- I could take a few weeks off to de-stress and figure out my life. Or in the very least, they would medicate me enough so that I could get some sleep. Luckily, it didn’t have to come to that. I made my first grown up therapist appointment, and at the risk of sounding crazy, it felt freaking amazing to get some stuff off my chest. I’m not going to lie though, the next few days following the appointment were even more difficult. I thought about things that I had been forcing myself to ignore, and for the first time in years I had to really figure out what I’m trying to achieve, what direction I want to grow. And that, my friend, is no easy task.
Tonight though, I feel like something inside of me finally moved. I’ve had moments of happiness the last few months, but mostly I’ve found myself crying in my car over things that I can’t control.
As I was driving home from dinner tonight, I found myself once again, crying in my car. But this time it was different. I’m not sure if it is the approaching holiday, the fact that there we are in midst of a total eclipse of the heart AND a winter solstice, or that I had just finished an amazing dinner with my aunts, (who are two of the most wonderful and inspiring people in my life)- but a feeling of euphoric happiness overcame me. I’m serious, it was a serious Lifetime Christmas movie moment.
It hit me that YES, I’ve been down on skid row for the last year or so- but things are only as bad as I let them be. I can’t control everything, but I can change the things I want to change. I have so much to be thankful for. I have been so wound up in the little things, that I haven’t taken the time to look around and realize how good things really are. And that’s when it hit me. This is the season to be jolly… but even more for me- it’s the season to be JOFFY. Yeah I made it up. What’s new? It stands for things that I’m thankful for right now. How’s that for a Lifetime Christmas movie moment?
JOFFY=Jobs, Opportunities, Friends, Family, and Yultideness.
I know you want some more details, right? Either way, I’m gonna give em’ to ya.
Jobs: I know from time to time I complain about being stressed out and overly busy, but you know what? I actually like it this way. Moreover, I’ve never been in a position where I love the people that I work with and what I do so much. Neither of my “jobs” are overly stressful, the people that I work with are genuinely good and inspiring people, and unlike any other work I’ve ever done, I never really dread going into the office. My second job is exciting. I’ve only been doing it for a few months and it’s already taught me a lot about myself. I like coordinating people. I like meeting new people. I like being a part of something that’s growing and that I really believe in. Plus, it’s a really good time.I can’t wait to see what I learn in the jobs category next year. Me be excited.
Opportunities: When it feels like I’m worst place ever, I can freak out like my momma took away my WOW privileges, or I can try something new. I mean hell’s bells, we live in AMERICA. Actually that’s beside the point. The point is we are humans, and for the most part we can take control of our own lives. I see people do it all the time. Have you seen Intervention? I mean sure half of the time those people relapse, and sometimes worse-they die-but for the most part; when they really want to change, they do. They get better. If they can over come drugs, I can overcome a bad day. I’m so sick of talking about the things that I want to do. This next year I’m actually going to do them. For me, right now, I want to learn to play the guitar I just bought. I want to write more. I want to get back into doing comedy in one form or another. I want to keep meeting people who enrich my life. I want to try as many new things as possible. And now I’m going to quit talking and start doing. Cause I can.
Friends: I know I talk about them all the time, but I’m going to do it once again because they are awesome. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through the last year without them. I have so many wonderful people in my life I can’t even believe it sometimes. Some of them are people I talk to daily. Some are people I only talk to every few months or so, but they all have given me so much. One thing I can say about 2010 is that it was the year that I’ve met the coolest people ever. I don’t know all of them as well as I’d like to, (I’m looking at you, hiuhime) but I love the fact that I have friendships to look forward to.
Family: If I’m completely honest, for the first half of 2010- I wanted to get a Macauley Culkin divorce from my family. Not all of them and not all of the time, but I probably would have taken a job in Egypt just to get away from it all. Then at some point everything changed. I realized that through the tough times, we had gotten closer than ever. Even when things were at there worst, I relied on my parents for so much. It took a divorce and some serious tears for us all to realize how good we have it. My sister is my best friend in the world and my rock. My cousins are my sanity. My aunts and uncles are my inspiration and what I strive to be. Did I mention my parent’s got remarried last Friday? Now we are a real family again. If that’s not a Carissamas Christmas miracle, then I don’t know what is.
Yuletideness: CHRISTMAS! Isn’t that what Yuletide means? Well even if it’s not, that’s how I’m using it. Really I just needed a “Y” word, and that’s the only “word” I could think of that would make semi-sense. But for serious,this is the first year in a really long time that I’ve been excited about Christmas. I don’t really have the money to buy gifts this year, and I there is not a thing in the world that I could ask for other than some good old-fashioned family time. And maybe a cactus. And maybe some incense. But other than that? Just my family. And maybe some cranberry sauce. And always some wine.
And to all of you??? Have the best holiday of your life, cause you never know when it will be the last.
I kid. You have at least until 2012.
No, seriously. I love you all and I cannot tell you how much each of you mean to me. Especially you and you. Oh and you over there. And you facebook stalker. And you John Cusack. Especially you John Cusack. Also you old high school friends. And you stupid face. And you family. And you random googlers. Have a merry merry JOFFY day. I don’t know how much I’ll be around until after the new year, but I’m always reading! HOE HOE HOE!