These are tough. I’ve been thinking about this one for a while now, and I’m not sure I’m at a place in my life where I’m comfortable discussing some of these prompts in public. There are many actions I’ve taken in my life that I would love to take back. There are also several instances where I ultimately made the best decision, but I still cannot say that I will ever fully accept the choices that I have made.
This has actually been a big thing for me in the last few weeks… “self forgiveness.” I was recently forced to make the toughest decision of my life and sometimes I feel like hitting myself over the head with a stapler, because I’m not sure I did the right thing.
Lately, I feel like I’ve really been struggling with the concept of “let it be.” I curse myself for my lack of self confidence and my inability to be content. I carry on a facade of being “happy go lucky,” which is usually true in the moment. It’s later on, once my brain takes some time to process things that I go on this irrational rollercoaster of emotions.
It’s not only my mind that I have to forgive myself for, my relationship with my physical self has always been a bit rocky.
I don’t think I’ve been particularly kind to my body in the past.
I have starved it and overfed it. I’ve allowed myself to drown in alcoholic binges. There have been times in my past where I’ve gone on blind food binges.
I haven’t always respected myself when it comes to men. I’ve consciously let myself be taken advantage of.
I know that I have some issues, but I think I do a pretty good job at facing them. At least I have self awareness, but I’m not always sure that’s a good thing. There’s quite a bit of truth to that old saying “Ignorance is Bliss.” Oh Plato, you genius you.
I doubt there will ever be a time in my life when I’m not struggling with myself… when I’m not punishing myself or pushing myself to be better at life, but I do hope to get a little bit closer to being content.