It’s my party. You are on the maybe list.

UGHHHH! You know what’s the worst?

Being sick.

You know what’s worse than just being sick?

Being sick that ISN”T  hungover. Cause if your hungover  then it’s at least a little bit worth it, right?

You know what’s the most worstiest of everything? (it’s a word)

Being sick on a VERY important week.

Duh duh. Duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh du…….

(Once again that was my very excellent version of the Jaws theme song, but you probably already knew that!)

No, I wasn’t talking about shark week though that is also very important. In fact, I deemed it so important that I sharked myself on the Discovery channel website.

I am not so good at sharking myself. But I think it looks like a zombie so I'm cool with that.

The term “sharking yourself” sounds kind of dirty doesn’t it?

I know, sometimes it’s like I’m 5  years old or something.

Actually that’s not true at all. A true statement would be “I act like I’m 5 years old or something.”

But what would really be accurate would be if I said “it’s like I’m 28 years old or something,” which is precisely what I will be on this Saturday. So… Happy Birthday me! It’s also my parent’s old (dead) dog’s birthday, or maybe that’s just what they told me when I was 8.

I’m really not so sure how I feel about this Birthday. Twenty eight seems like such an insignificant age, but then again they all sort of do from here on out. Except in my case, I’ll probably count myself lucky for any year that I survive after the age of like 35… in fact I think I’m pretty lucky to have made it this far.

But really… 28.

I had a bit of a freak out the other night when I started thinking about the fact that I am officially in my late twenties. I decided last year that 27 was definitely in the “mid to late twenties category… but 28… there’s no denying it. I really try hard not to dwell on these sort of things, but there are so many things that I thought that I would be by the age of twenty eight. I thought I’d be rich, famous, married to my friend Cameron, own my own zoo, drive a limo (I used to think that was better than riding in one,) have 14 kids, star on Saturday Night Live, and also princess of a far away country. Of course I thought all of this when I was in the third grade after a game of M.A.S.H., but still… Boy was I wrong.

I mean, if I can’t even afford to take care of a pet rat, I’m certainly not on the right road to owning a zoo. Then again, there are days when I really think I’ve done it right. I’m still figuring things out and I think that’s ok. I’m not entirely sure what path I’m on- but I’m still happy with the idea that I could move to Ireland tomorrow if I wanted to. Provided I win the lottery, that is.

Birthdays are a funny thing though. I never know how to act. There are days when I think that I would like to let it simply go unnoticed (LIKE THAT ONE YEAR WHEN I WAS TEACHING DANCE IN NEW YORK AND NOBODY CALLED ME, DON”T THINK I”VE FORGOTTEN BITCHES!) but when it comes down to it- I think I can be down right bratty when it comes to my birthday. It is after all, the one day that I can call my own. I really try not to get that whiny “but it’s MY birthday” attitude… but I’m afraid I’m not very good at that.

My favorite birthday of all time was the year I turned 10. My family got up real early and took my cousins and I fishing. I caught a huge fish that snapped my fishing pole right in half. It was a carp so we didn’t get to keep it, but I didn’t have to worry about things like baiting my own hook back then. When we got home, I was surprised to find that I had gotten my very own purple bicycle, with a basket and everything. The real surprise came when my cousin presented me with a pie in my face. Only it wasn’t a surprise at all, because I had been begging asking to have a pie thrown in my face for my birthday for like 3 years. I was a weird kid who watched entirely too much Nickelodeon.

Despite being sick, this week has already been a pretty smashing birthday week. I started celebrating last Sunday with a little bit of day drinking. We hung out at my favorite dive bar (Adairs, for those of you in Dallas) with a bunch of old guys who were jamming their guitars. I even got to hold one of their glass eyes. Then on Tuesday I won last minute tickets to go see Aerosmith, and he was every bit as sparkly as I imagined he would be.

This weekend my family is coming up to spend my birthday with me for the first time in years, and we’re going to see my favorite comedian of all time – Mr Michael Ian Black.

So instead of getting a pie in my face, I think I’d like to have a Michael Ian black in my face. Or in my mouth. Either way, I’m pumped. My mom also decided that she wants to film a zombie movie, starring me as a zombie- which I’m a little on the fence about. We shall see.

I also am requesting gifts I actually need this year. My list so far:

-3 light bulbs

-pens with a plastic chewable top

-new bed sheets

-a new lap top

-new phone (since I bit and cracked mine)

-my $665 TXU electricity bill to be paid (SERIOUSLY EFFED UP)

-A new car since mine is about to die forever

-John Cusack

So now I will shut my whore mouth and clean house so that my parents don’t find out that I live like a 14 year old boy. A fourteen year old boy who drinks copious amounts of wine.


PEEE ESSSSS. : I still plan on doing a giveaway for my blog birthday… but I decided to wait until after my birthday so I can give away the gifts that I don’t want for myself.

PEEE PEEE ESSSS (teehee pee pee) If anyone in the area is interested in joining in on some shenanegans this weekend (I’ll be out both nights) just tweet me yo.

Stay tuned.


Related posts:

  1. Ain’t no party in a douchebag city
  2. Pity Party, Party of one. I’m still missing.
  3. My favorite place.
  4. This may be my most embarrassing confession yet. I’ve got the fever. And I’m Creepy.
  5. Weekend Letters
  • Vegetable Assassin

    Cheers to YOUR face, lady! :) Happy birthday! And if it helps 28 sounds like a tiny baby to me these days. So revel in it.

  • Clevelandpoet

    All you can do is you boo. (wow really jimi?) You've done some cool stuff that a lot wouldn't and your awesomeness and talent inspires me often. I wish we could hang for our mutual birthdays. I'll have to make it up there sometime and you know you really need to try and make it to the cleve sometime too. may or may not like to send ya some silly stuff if you don't mind me having your addy or an addy I can send something to ya.

    p.s: next time you shark yourself can I watch?

    p.p.s: that really sounds bad since I just asked for your addy.

    p.p.p.s: tee hee sharking yourself haha

  • Herding Cats

    Happy 28th! I pretty much beat you to it by a few weeks. And I agree, 28 is OLD. We are old. Anyways, cheers to you! Enjoy birthday/week/month!

  • Mrs. K

    I hope your birthday day/week is happy and fun! I'm the same way about birthdays–it's a special day so it might as well be as perfect as it can be, right?

  • chocolatesuze

    haha i wanted a pie in my face too only because i'd never seen a pie in aus with as much cream like on all the tv shows!

  • dani

    I feel like the phrase “sharking yourself” is made even more dirty by the fact that its on What exactly are you supposed to be discovering? I told my roommate I wanted to boycott my birthday later this month but apparently that's not allowed. If i get any news about that rule being changed I'll let you know. You know, in case you decide you just want to be 27 again.

  • ScoMan

    I'm pretty sure by “You're on the maybe list” you meant “They're on the maybe list”.. You couldn't have me on the maybe list. I would have to be at the top of the guest list. Maybe second, after you.

    But I can't make it, because you live in a whole nother country. Shame. I was really looking forward to visiting your zoo too.

    Oh… right.. you don't have that zoo yet.. Ouch. Awkward…

  • ScoMan

    Oh, and happy birthday. I'm sure your 14 kids will get you awesome presents.

    What's that?

    Oh. My bad.

  • Kat Campbell

    Wow. Hope 28 is as good as it sounds! You should get the zoo you've always wanted.

    I completely get your New York birthday – when I lived in college my parents sent me a birthday card a month late and then pretended it got lost in the mail (too bad I could read the date on the postmark, huh?)

  • holly

    You're so not old until 30. Happy birthday!

  • Candicewalsh

    Hahaha, I had a similar freak out when I realized I was leaving behind my late-early 20s. Dammit.

    Drink your face off. Makes getting older worth it.

  • Kimwithak

    John Cusack would be a great gift. If I could, I'd get that for you.

  • Nikki

    28?! And here I thought you were a baby faced 22 year old. Not that I think you're immature or anything 😉 Although I am still angry that you didn't hook up with that spiritual guy in the incense shop. I am seriously like a month and a day behind you. Could we be twins…like I stayed in a month longer. You should check with your Mom.

    Happy Birthday lady! You taught dance in NY? I'm way behind in accomplishments at this point.

  • JustMe

    Happy birthdayyyyyyyyy!

    My birthday was like two weeks ago. I also flipped out. 27, 28…dear lord we're almost ********30**********

  • Amber Tidd Murphy

    love you wish list! i would send you john cusack, but he doesn't fit in this comment box. HAPPY birthday, my lovely. Feel better immediately, and drink and be merry.

  • Blunt delivery

    dude, i chew the crap outta pens. i hate when i realize it is, in fact, someone else's pen i've been chewing.

    and as far as 28. sigh.

    just turned in june myself – and let me tell ya, i FREAKED. it's true, there's no denying you are late twenties and almost MIDDLE AGED. i have no advice for you because i can't cope either.

    here's to our misery!

  • steff

    happy belated birthday!!! i always think it's incredibly cool when i know more than one person with THE EXACT SAME BIRTHDAYS. since im marrying the other one it clearly means youre good people. oh how i wish i lived anywhere NEAR dallas. i wouldve LOVED to hang with you. and MIB? seriously?!!! that is so effing awesome. he's like the complete package yo. i fully expect you to hit that in one way or another. ps – im right behind you on the 28 train. only 2 months or so for me now. 28 is gonna be great. collectively we shall rock that age so hard that all the triflin' 22 year olds be WISHIN they was in their late 20s when they see how we roll… WORD.

  • Finallygettingtoeven

    Just wait til you hit 45 like I did last Wed. UGH>>>>>>>
    I remember 28 & hitting 29 was like being the oldest thing on the planet (or so I thought) you aren't there YET! Enjoy 28 while it lasts…one day you will wake up and be 45! Your wish list looks like a great one and I hope that you get all you ask for, including John. Enjoy yourself and this year!