Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day.
If I say that enough it’s bound to come true right?
A few months ago, I was going through a particularly tough time with some family drama. Naturally, I called my grandmother in tears – who is the last person I should call in these situations. She is a worrier at heart, and probably hasn’t slept since.
Anyboohoohoo- she told me a ritual of hers that she finds extremely helpful. She said that every morning for the last 20 years or so, she has woken up and recited the following statements:
*It will all work out.
*This will be a good day.
*Today I will have more energy.
*Treat yourself as well as you do your dog.
This morning I woke up feeling particularly grouchy, so I decided I’m going to take the advice I learned in a “Fish Training” video long ago. I will choose my attitude. I will take this day by the balls and no gentle fondling will be done. I will write today’s name down on a piece of paper and stomp on it, just like I did to my best friend in the 9th grade when she made me angry. I will be positive and cheerful and not sarcastic in the least bit. And I will recite out my grandma’s mantra and it will work.
It will all work out.
I mean clearly, duhhhh. On my way to lunch I will come across a money tree that sprouts “50 dollar bills y’all” on command. My stomach will learn how to handle the healthy mixture of curry, nilla wafers, and frozen yogurt that I put in it last night. The sandman will move into my room and read me fairy tales every night at 11:00pm. Fed-ex will deliver me a time machine from “anonymous” and I can go back to yesterday and not bite my Droid causing the screen to crack. (Yes. I bit my phone and now it is cracked.) My landlord will call and let me know that since it’s about to be my birthday, we don’t have to pay rent this month. A wizard from outer space will arrive and provide me with all of the mathematical skills that I have been lacking in my life thus far. Magically, my car will stop dying every time I’m in idle. My horoscopes will stop being so vague and start giving me direct recipes on how to live my life.
This will be a good day.
Today all sorts of good things are going to happen. My Pandora is going to be off the hook and play mostly the Beatles with a little bit of Prince and Peter Gabriel, when I psychic-ly tell it to. Cramps and all other symptoms of PMS including annoyance to the millionth degree will immediately subside. Some vendor will bring me lunch so I don’t have to move or spend money. My boyfriend John Cusack will finally tweet me back that he loves me and admit that I’m not a psycho. .I will not lock my keys in the car with the car running today. My hair will not look like I rubbed a balloon all over it. I will not sit on a beetle or step on a slug. If I happen to open a bag of pretzels, it will not explode all over my office. I will wear my underwear the right way, and not backwards causing a righteous wedgie. When it’s afternoon I will answer the phone with “Good afternoon!” and not with “good morning” or “Good Larry” like I did yesterday.
Today I will have more energy.
I will go to the gym after work. I will not use “it’s raining,” “I have cramps,” “There are smelly people in that class,” “I’m tired,” or “there are Fresh Prince reruns on” as an excuse to skip out.
Treat yourself as well as you do your dog.
I will let myself eat loads of peanut butter and cheese. And I don’t have to shower… and I think that might negate all this gym talk. Yeahhhh.. I think I’m just gonna let myself be as lazy as I want.
So yeah… this will be a good day.