My New Mantra…

Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day. Today is going to be a good day.

If I say that enough it’s bound to come true right?

A few months ago, I was going through a particularly tough time with some family drama. Naturally, I called my grandmother in tears – who is the last person I should call in these situations. She is a worrier at heart, and probably hasn’t slept since.

Anyboohoohoo- she told me a ritual of hers that she finds extremely helpful. She said that every morning for the last 20 years or so, she has woken up and recited the following statements:

*It will all work out.

*This will be a good day.

*Today I will have more energy.

*Treat yourself as well as you do your dog.

This morning I woke up feeling particularly grouchy, so I decided I’m going to take the advice I learned in a “Fish Training” video long ago. I will choose my attitude. I will take this day by the balls and no gentle fondling will be done. I will write today’s name down on a piece of paper and stomp on it, just like I did to my best friend in the 9th grade when she made me angry. I will be positive and cheerful and not sarcastic in the least bit. And I will recite out my grandma’s mantra and it will work.

It will all work out.

I mean clearly, duhhhh. On my way to lunch I will come across a money tree that sprouts “50 dollar bills y’all” on command. My stomach will learn how to handle the healthy mixture of curry, nilla wafers, and frozen yogurt that I put in it last night. The sandman will move into my room and read me fairy tales every night at 11:00pm. Fed-ex will deliver me a time machine from “anonymous” and I can go back to yesterday and not bite my Droid causing the screen to crack. (Yes. I bit my phone and now it is cracked.) My landlord will call and let me know that since it’s about to be my birthday, we don’t have to pay rent this month. A wizard from outer space will arrive and provide me with all of the mathematical skills that I have been lacking in my life thus far. Magically, my car will stop dying every time I’m in idle. My horoscopes will stop being so vague and start giving me direct recipes on how to live my life.

This will be a good day.

Today all sorts of good things are going to happen. My Pandora is going to be off the hook and play mostly the Beatles with a little bit of Prince and Peter Gabriel, when I psychic-ly tell it to. Cramps and all other symptoms of PMS including annoyance to the millionth degree will immediately subside. Some vendor will bring me lunch so I don’t have to move or spend money. My boyfriend John Cusack will finally tweet me back that he loves me and admit that I’m not a psycho. .I will not lock my keys in the car with the car running today. My hair will not look like I rubbed a balloon all over it. I will not sit on a beetle or step on a slug. If I happen to open a bag of pretzels, it will not explode all over my office. I will wear my underwear the right way, and not backwards causing a righteous wedgie. When it’s afternoon I will answer the phone with “Good afternoon!” and not with “good morning” or “Good Larry” like I did yesterday.

Today I will have more energy.

I will go to the gym after work. I will not use “it’s raining,” “I have cramps,” “There are smelly people in that class,” “I’m tired,” or “there are Fresh Prince reruns on” as an excuse to skip out.

Treat yourself as well as you do your dog.

I will let myself eat loads of peanut butter and cheese. And I don’t have to shower… and I think that might negate all this gym talk. Yeahhhh.. I think I’m just gonna let myself be as lazy as I want.

Princess Stella Rosita Devito Brown

So yeah… this will be a good day.

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  • Herding Cats

    Treat yourself as well as you do your dog….I think I like that mantra. A lot! This means lots of sleep and treats, right?

  • Vegetable Assassin

    I had a similar day the other day. Damn universe. Today though, I'm with you. Calm, serene and everything good is going to happen. Plus I have a day off and I have chocolate in the fridge, how bad can it be? Here's to you and your positive influence, missy.

  • Matt_J

    Fresh Prince reruns are not an excuse.

    They are a valid reason for putting anything and everything off until later.

  • Bev

    All good advice! You never know…. And if you find that money tree, please share its location! :)

  • JustMe

    I need to start doing that, for REAL.

    Also – I've been reading a bunch of horoscopes lately and they're all depressing. Like, seriously. Everyone's all “this week is going to suck – sorry!”

    I think I'm going to stop reading them.

  • Alexandra the Tsaritsa

    The mind is a very powerful thing! You can will yourself to do just about anything! haha, I love how the last bit of your mantra cancels out everything else. I try to live like my cat :)

  • Ed Adams

    You saw how that mantra shit worked for Dorothy, didn't ya?

    Yeah, good luck with that.

  • Amber Tidd Murphy

    I thought of you today when I used ketchup. We had some opened generic and also a brand new bottle of Heinz. I opened the new bottle. I am a KETCHUP snob! (p.s. If I treated myself the way I treat my dog, I would only eat once a day. Uncool!) :)

  • Nikki

    I think your Grandma has been listening to the Black Eyed Peas. Don't bite your Droid…you don't know where it has been.

  • Hip Hop Hippie

    FUCK YEAH! I love this. I need to take your lead.


  • OG

    I like to start my day by singing Ice Cube's Today Was a Good Day.

  • Candicewalsh

    I agree with Matt J, Fresh Prince is NECESSARY. <3 Uncle Phil.

  • BobbiJanay@Kid to a Grown Up

    I love it, I hope life begins to react to your new motto.

  • The Demigoddess

    My mom always taught me to think positively while she, on the other hand, worries about everything under the sun. I am a worrier, an eternal pessimist, and sometimes pessimissm works because when you expect things will not play out as well as you hoped, you are better prepared to deal with it. So, I think positively sometimes to psych myself up but at the back of my mind, I play out the countless bad things that could happen and prepare for them.

  • Smidge

    A year ago I was in a total hole. A year later I am not. Im an utter cynic and scoffed when someone told me that all you need is positive thinking (i'm refusing to read The Secret) but there must be something in it otherwise I wouldn't be where I am now.

    I might still get up and growl at the world around me, but I live like my cat too (lots of treats when im good and not negative, plenty of sleep and lots of cuddles in bed) works for me.

  • ScoMan

    First of all, kudos on the whole “not being sarcastic in the least bit”. I think that's really working out well for you.

    Secondly, if you had the $50 note sprouting tree, you could get your car fixed. You could pay your rent. You could buy your own time machine. You made a long list of things you expect from today, when all you really need is that one.

    I don't own a dog, but that dog does look mighty comfortable. I'll treat myself like that dog treats itself.

  • Theninja

    If I treated myself as well as my dog, then I would still be sleeping…

  • Kimwithak

    I feel that these mantras are great, but I'll just sound sarcastic saying them to myself. Like “today will be GREAT…yeah right.” I guess I just can't keep a straight face and be positive.

  • CarissaJaded

    Oh yeah. And in the case of my dog, lots of popcorn.. which I had last night.

  • CarissaJaded

    Man I need some chocolate. And a day off. Still I'm gonna poo on this day's face and it's gonna like it!

  • CarissaJaded

    Exactly. Your a smart man, Matt.

  • CarissaJaded

    I've been thinking about reading the secret.. but I dont' because I think I do “positive thinking” anyway by myself, and I'd rather believe that I'm just a genius who thought of this method. Maybe I'll write my own book!