The world works in mysterious and utterly random ways.

Because I can, and also because I haven’t been able to properly update you on my life lately, I have decided to update you via completely random bullets.

*If you’re gonna get your nails done, you might as well go to a good salon. And I had to learn this the hard way. I rarely spring for an actual manicure. As much as I prefer having nails that glisten and shine, I usually walk around looking like I ate half of my nails for lunch. Which is why I was particularly upset when I blew 40 bucks on a really shitty nail job last week. I went to one of those walk in places where you don’t need an appointment and  got one of those new kinds of manicures, the ones that are supposed to last up to three weeks without chipping. Well I have no idea if they would have lasted, because the whole experience was just ricockulated. To begin with, the lady put the wrong color on, and when I asked if it would change when it dried, she tried to sneakily cover it up with the RIGHT color which ended up looking like poop on top of pink. One day later, I ran my poop colored nails through my hair, and one of my nails got caught and peeled right off. TOTAL SUCKAGE.

*I have been working at my new job for roughly six weeks, drink coffee daily, and haven’t cleaned out my coffee mug once.I’m pretty sure I’m a disgusting human being.

*I also haven’t gotten sick which makes me think I may have more in common with my roommate’s Basset Hound than I originally thought. Have I mentioned that a few weeks ago I accidentally left my groceries on the counter when I went for a walk? The dog ate 4 pounds of raw chicken, 2 raw tillapia fillets, a bag of salad and a bunch of uncooked oatmeal. This is reason number 5000 why I am afraid to be home alone this week.

*I’m about 2 honks away from running over a child in my neighborhood. I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing school got out this week because kids are running rampant on my street. One house even has a basketball goal that is set up ON THE FUZMUCKING street, and it’s not cool at all folks. I usually keep a pretty even temper when it comes to kids acting out, but not when I see a sitter or mom or SOMETHING sitting mere yards away doing her nails. I literally had to dodge a remote control car today and have come close to hitting about 3 kids so far this week. I would really hate to rack up that many points in one day.

*I realized something this week. I don’t have many rules that I live by, as I am pretty open minded- but I have followed one for my entire life. Never imagine a scenario that you honestly want to happen. Once it has played out in your mind, it will never come true. The same works vice versa. If you really don’t want something to happen, imagine it in every detail possible. I’m no expert on the matter- but so far it’s worked for me!

*I finally brought my bike up from Waco. My plan was to ride it to work this week, as I figure it will be cooler than driving my un-air conditioned car. Unfortunately, I somehow messed up the alignment whilst trying to get it in my car, and to ride it would mean turning my entire body sideways. And since I’m not even used to regularly  riding a bike (unless it’s stationary) this would be a fail of epic porportions.

*My 10 year high school reunion is next week, and though I did decide to go, I have nothing to wear. Nothing that fits that is. And no money… so I’m now taking donations. Let me know if you have something.

*Chiggers and Ants have currently declared war against each other on my ankles. I know not who will win at this point. I only know that I lose either way. HELP!

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  • ScoMan

    If I can survive living alone, anyone can, don't be afraid.

    Ricockulated is also an awesome word that I haven't heard before. I'm going to start using it now though, so thanks for sharing that one.

    My brother went away to Uni for 6 months with two towels and two sets of sheets and didn't wash any of them while he was gone. Maybe you two would hit it off, and live in an unhygenic paradise. You should be warned though, he is a red head.

    If I've learned anything from video games, it's that people on the street are fair game when it comes to driving your car. Run them over, and sometimes the cops might chase you for a little bit, but they give up pretty quickly.

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    I started to laugh rather loudly when I came to the part about you having more in common with your roommate's Basset Hound than you originally thought! You're a hoot, CJ!

    Have you ever thought about volunteering for the Big Brother/Big Sisters organization? Once a week, birthdays, holidays – making a difference in some little giirl's life? You have so much to offer. I don't have an email address for you, or I'd have emailed this! :)

  • brittneymclain

    sorry but i so laughed our loud “I would really hate to rack up that many points in one day” hahaha too funny!!! i cannot believe ur dog didnt get sick after eating all of that!

  • CarissaJaded

    Ricockulated is a great word! You can also use Ricockulous, but it doesn't have quite the same ring to it~!

  • CarissaJaded

    No I haven't volunteered there but i think I would really like it! I'm gonna do some research today!

  • CarissaJaded

    We had to induce vomit on the dog. Not fun!

  • Nikki

    2 honks away…you're so cheeky I can't stand it 😉 I'm about to quit avoiding the kids in my neighborhood. When I drive by they all come out of the bushes with their nerf guns like Lord of the Flies. I slow down while they point their guns in my direction and I mouth “don't you fucking dare”. We live in the slums.

  • herding cats

    Was the dog ok? I assume so but wow – that is a LOT of raw meat! Also, yes the schools are getting out for summer which means that a bunch of overly excited kids are acting out while their unhappy mothers subject them to traffic. Sigh….oh society!

  • Clevelandpoet

    some random responses to the random bullets:
    1. all I noticed/paid attention to in the first one were the words job and suckage. I'm bad I suppose. hubba hubba.
    2. run the bitches over. I remember playing sports in the streets and always yelling 'car” to one another and vacating the street. these days they think they own it.
    3. Have you considered leopard blanket for the reunion?
    4. do try to make the ants and chiggers radioactive and harness them to rule the world.

  • Matt_J

    Maybe the six weeks worth of gunk in the coffee mug is what is keeping you healthy.

    And…dogs eat poop. If that doesn't kill them, a little raw chicken and tilapia sure won't either.

  • Steff Spina

    good lord, ants AND chiggers?! i had chiggers as a kid and thank GOD no one told me until after i got rid of those suckers what a chigger actually was bc otherwise i'd probably be legless from the knees down today.
    you should also know that i typically drink about 3 cups of coffee a day at work and the most my mug gets cleaned out is with a little swirl of water at the end of the day. i've worked here for almost 3 years.
    digusting humans, FTW!
    and bless you for braving the 10 year reunion. if i were you i'd dress up like a dude and insist that people call you “Carl” OR wear your prom dress preferably with the same hair-do and accessories from 10 years ago.
    all without any shame of course.
    the key is to do it all without shame. it totally freaks people out.
    mine is sometime this year also but just thinking about it gives me a case of the howling fantods.

  • Hip Hop Hippie

    What in the world is a chigger?! That scares me. So does that bassett hound. Is he going to eat you while you're sleeping?!

  • Candice

    Man, I have the same problem with kids on my street, and they're always milling about when I'm walking home from work. Sometimes they yell obscenities at me. It's scary.

  • Miss Dallas

    Looks like you'll be wearing booties to the high school reunion if the chiggers and ants keep it up.

    I am totally afraid of my reunion, which is set for next year. I don't think I'll go.

    And you're thinking of riding your bike in this heat? OMG, sister, get a DART pass!

  • Melissa

    I met you way back at Lou's… so you probably don't remember me, but I have read your blog since.

    I have the cutest black dress that could accessorized like crazy for your reunion. However… I just graduated from UNT and had to move back in with the 'rents.

    When is the reunion? Maybe I could visit all my friends and the lovely you before then! I would want the pretty dress to go to someone so wonderful instead of a dumpster full of donated things.

  • LiLu

    Dammit, I need a new awesome dress too. I wish I was closer so we could go SHOPPING!!!

  • badassgeek

    Don't feel bad about your coffee cup. I use the same water glass at home for weeks at a time. I don't know why I don't just throw it in the dishwasher.

  • JD at I Do Things

    I highly recommend ebay for dress shopping. I have gotten some really cute and cheap sundresses. DO IT!

  • BobbiJanay@Kid to a Grown Up

    I hate neighbor hoods like that.

  • mylittlebecky

    “Never imagine a scenario that you honestly want to happen.” i completely, totally, utterly do this and have always done this… jinxes things.

  • Neil Lemons

    “Never imagine a scenario that you honestly want to happen. Once it has played out in your mind, it will never come true. The same works vice versa. If you really don’t want something to happen, imagine it in every detail possible. I’m no expert on the matter- but so far it’s worked for me!” This is totally against the Law of Attraction and visualization practices taught by self-help gurus. That's cool if it works for you. It kind of reminds me of the, “Forget Everything You Know About ____” headlines.

  • ambermurphy

    OMG, I SO relate to ridiculous children who will not get out of the damn road. WTF is up with bball goals on the street? What happened to playing in one's driveway. That was good enough for me when I was a kid, and damn it, it should be good enough for them!!

  • The Constant Complainer

    I'm only 13 years out of high school, but I do remember my 10-year reunion. I'm glad I went – that's probably the milestone one to attend if you were ever going to attend one.

  • Karisa Tells All

    I know what you mean about those damn kids! I am so sick of almost stepping on them in department stores when they decide to dart out in front of me while I'm in shoe-buying mode (ie walking quickly and purposefully toward the shoe department). They're like dogs or something!

  • Singer7

    Woah!! Loads has happened in ur life lately!!! Have fun at ur High School Reunion!!

  • lindsay

    i've never heard of a dog eating salad.
    some dog! he obviously doesn't screw around.

  • lindsay

    i've never heard of a dog eating salad.
    some dog! he obviously doesn't screw around.