Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, minus the bang.. but close.

Well hello there strangers! I know I have absolutely no excuse for my recent hiatus, and I promise it’s not a permanent thing… but DOOOOOOD, life is crazy. Amazing, but crazy. Thanks to all of you who are stopping by via 20sb, and a humongous thanks to whichever staff members over there are entertained by my little blog.

I feel like I have so much to update your faces with, but I really feel much more comfortable when I at least have a few complaints to mix in with this rare “life is good” post, and I really don’t have much to complain about besides the fact that my face is covered by gigantasaurus Everest-sized pimples.  I didn’t even have a major freak out  when my car decided to be a little bitch and  have a blow out earlier this week. Which is a major feat, this I promise you… especially when you know my history with cars.

So yeah, I’ll complain after all.

I’ve always had an extreme love/hate relationship with automobiles and the act of driving. And by love/hate relationship of course I mean:

I love: 1). That they get me from point A to B. (sometimes)

and 2). When other people are driving them and I get to be in charge of the music.

I hate: Everything else loosely related to driving or cars. I don’t know or care to know the difference between a toyota and an escalade, and I won’t even apologize if by chance those are one and the same. I hate driving, especially at night. I despise traffic. I hate the way my mom drives. I don’t like sitting in back seats.  I hate the fact that I’ve locked my keys in my car like 14 times in the last year. I hate that at least once every three months I end up stranded on the side of the road, which leads me to call my dad crying who is 2 hours away… which in turn causes him to get upset and yell “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT!?” Which leads to huge fight. And mostly I despise that I have horrible luck with them.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I have had more flat tires than any other person in the entire whole wide universe, twice in my life I’ve had another car on top of my own (either by landing there after a wreck or by drunkenly driving on top of it,) and my vehicles have had more breakdowns than Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears combined. My dad insists that it must have something to the way I drive, but I don’t think I can be blamed for the fact that Ford makes really shitty cars or that curbs keep getting in my way, or that drunks insist on targeting my car as their landing strip.

Luckily it didn't do much damage...
Luckily it didn't do much damage...

I feel like even the best case scenarios that involve vehicles, (which is of course gettin it on in one,) can only lead to 3 possible disastrous outcomes. I, ahem, of course only know one of these don’t know any of these  from personal experience but from what I’ve learned from the movies it seems to me that any time you hook up in a car – you either get caught giving head in a park by a cop, get pregnant, or if you’re in transit- then it is quite possible that you will experience death by a fiery crash.

My first car was an 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile.

Oh wait. I take that back.

Technically, my first car which I drove all of 3 days was a 95 Mitsubishi something or another,( pictured above). Shortly after the repairs were made from this particular accident, I totaled it into my house. I KNOW. And no I wasn’t drunk… I can’t even really explain what happened, except that I will tell you that I will never ever again drive a stick shift. I pretty much suck at life. My sister was sitting inside and said she thought it was an earthquake, while my dad sat on the curb and cried.

After that it took about a year and a half before I got the nerves and the vehicle that would make it possible for me to drive again. My parents certainly weren’t going to trust me with anything of value- so THIS is where the 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile (that I dubbed Cuddy) came into the picture.

It was a maroon, and it was the largest two door car you’ve ever seen in your life. And it was a pile of junk.

To sum it up: In place of air-conditioning,  my dad had installed a mini-fan that plugged into my cigarette lighter that did absolutely nothing but stir up the scent of stale cigarettes and rotting food.  It had a digital speedometer that you had to fist pummel in order to make it “work,” and when numbers finally did pop up they were backwards and up-side down. The car had no antenna, and therefore had no radio. Someone had tried to steal the cd player so it hung there by a wire, serving absolutely no purpose for the majority of the time the car worked.

The driver’s side door didn’t work, which was quite embarrassing when the cute football player from freshman history class walked me to my car and insisted on standing there until I drove off… which meant he got to watch me dive in and wiggle across the seat, ass out in a jean skirt.

The worst part about it was that Cuddy died ALL THE TIME at the most inopportune times. Especially before I got a cell phone. Like one time, it died right when my friends and I were trying to make a get away after toilet papering this incredibly rude older girl’s house. We had to go to her next door neighbor’s house and call for a ride. But then again, the fact that it died all the time was the precise reason I finally was allowed to get a cell phone. My parent’s started getting nervous after about my 3rd hitchhiking adventure and finally gave in.

Anyshitmobile batman, I could go on forever about my vehicle history, but I’ll save that for another day. If you’re a curious to read more you can always read about how talented I am at removing a tampon whilst driving. That was one for the books.

My original point was, I’m actually NOT completely hating my car today despite the fact that I recently had a blow out which caused me (or…erghm…my mother) (thanks!) to shell out 200 dollars, because of COURSE they convinced me that I needed two new tires. ( This actually has a story that is worthy of it’s very own blog post so I’m going to hold off.)

Yeah usually I would be pissed. But not today. Today I totally relate to those car bangers. Only maybe I don’t want to have sex with my car… but I sure could give it a hug right now.

You see, I’ve spent the last 3 months melting away because my air conditioning was broke and I didn’t think I could afford to fix it. I found out yesterday all it needed was a little frion, so I’m back, baby! No more sweaty pits! No more sweaty underboobs! No more sweaty fupa! I kid…

I’m gonna try to catch up on a million blogs over the next few days, and my goal next week is to get back to regularly posting, but I have learned never to make any promises.

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  • Sherri

    Is a fupa the same as an uthie?

  • ScoMan

    And I thought I had bad luck driving. Or maybe it's not so much bad luck driving, as I am a bad driver. I think you take the crown from me though. Maybe.

    And removing a tampon whilst driving is impressive sure, but I've changed sim cards while driving.

    Wait.. I'm starting to see why I've had a few nasty accidents…

  • Amber Tidd Murphy

    I was just thinking that you haven't posted in awhile, and that I am ready for another truth or dare vlog.

  • JustMe

    I can't drive. There, I said it. And I mean it. I am a HORRIBLE driver. I *guessed* on my eye-test and somehow here I am, with a license.

    Scary, isn't it?

  • Vegetable Assassin

    Oh poor you and your car woes. :) My car is doing stuff on its own a lot these days. Like I'll be driving along and suddenly, without warning it turns the radio on. On its own. Scares the shit out of me. Then for no reason it lights stuff up on the dash and there's nothing wrong. I had it checked out. But it tells me stuff like “OIL ALERT!” WTF is an oil alert? Plus my oil was fine. Then on warm days if you drive in the city and have to stop and start a lot at red lights, it threatens to overheat. It never actually DOES, but the little needle does it's sweet thing of almost going into the red but not quite. Just enough to make you anxious. Then when it has rained heavily (i.e. every effing day this MONTH) it stutters and shudders as if to say “I'm going to stall next time you stop, missy!” but it never actually does stall.

    It's an Oldsmobile too. Maybe it knows Cuddy?

  • BeckEye

    I'm just amazed that other people let you control the music when they're driving. That's my first rule of the car: whoever is driving picks the music. When someone reaches for any buttons on my radio/CD player, they get fork stabbed.

  • Pollypoptart

    And this is why I never learned to drive… 😉

  • BobbiJanay@Kid to a Grown Up

    Girl I hear you on shitty cars, I also drove a number of them as a teenager since I wrecked 3 in a matter of 18 months from the time I was 16 til half way through my 17th year.

  • OG

    My first car would stall out when you used the A/C…South Florida in the summer with no A/C was a bitch – I finally got a donation of a Buck Regal Gran Sport (probably a lot like your cutlass) from my Aunt – at some point when it was on it's last legs, the door handle broke so I know exactly how you feel about wiggling across to the drivers side seat…haha, good post.

  • Jenny

    OMG!! wow… HAHA that sucks!!

  • Nikki

    I seriously thought the poltergeist had gotten you. Get a bike will you?! Removing a tampon while riding a bike is probably a bit of a challenge.

  • Steff Spina

    i was fairly certain that the picture you supplied of the truck on the car was the product of some strange googling for bizarre car accident images, but i was wrong! and you know what THAT means don't you?…
    you win!!!

  • Singer7

    Woah!!! Chica, u DO have some bad luck w/ cars!!! LOSNL!!! How old r u?!-just curious!! I like ur blog!!! It's highly entertaining and funny!!! Check out my blog website whenever u have time! The URL to it is:
    THANX!!! Take care!!

  • Sadako

    Tampon…changed…while driving? Yikes!

  • Kirsten Erickson

    Sorry I suck at commenting lately, my job has taken over my life. But I promise I'll be better. That is all!

  • Hip Hop Hippie

    Sweaty Fupa!!! That's the name of my new band!

  • Cristin A. McGrath

    Oh man…very nice. We basically write the same way. I try to keep it a little more “professional” friendly, but once I have a job, you better believe I will write with the same sarcastic and hilarious tone. Good job!

  • Karisa Tells All

    hahahhaha sweaty fupa. You kill me.

    I know what you mean about the bad car luck. I haven't had bad luck like you, but I'm such a bad driver that it's only a matter of time!

  • Andhari

    my car acts up pretty often too. I kinda damage it a lot, bump here and there and when I was younger and newer to car, I did all I can to not let my dad find out. Haha. He always did though. It's like he had super powers.

  • Jess

    I've never heard of anyone having THAT bad of luck with cars. Way to keep on trucking with it though. I would have said eff it and committed myself to a life on two wheels.

  • LivitLuvit

    Thanks, Sherri. Now I'm googling uthie…

  • Nandana

    Happened to be here via 20sb. I totally LOVE your blog!! Its incredibly funny :)

  • Nandana

    Happened to be here via 20sb. I totally LOVE your blog!! Its incredibly funny :)

  • Mainstream Everyday Indulgence

    ooh my, I know I’m a little late, but this is hilarious and awful at the same time! I totally feel ya!

  • Aerg


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