The Grossest Sneeze Ever, and Books + Coffee= (???) A little bit of TMI

First of all, thanks for all of your superbish advice on my high school reunion. I think I’ve decided to go, but only if I have successfully talked one of my most favorite boys in the world to accompany me… (If you’re reading this, then pleasssseeeeeee!!! I’ll massage your back for like 2 hours!!!!)

As you may remember, I started a new job a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve abso-loving it so far. The people are great, I love how close it is to home, and my days FLY by! Seriously, before it felt like I was living in the land of 18 hour work days, and now I barely even have time to reach for a kleenex when I sneeze. I said barely people, gross as I may sometimes be- I do reach for a kleenex most of the time when I sneeze, especially when I’m in public. I even keep a bottle of hand sanitizer near-by for those close-nose-calls.

Although, speaking of sneezes, there was this one sneeze in my life that I am particularly proud of. We were at a house party so I made LA accompany me to the bathroom so we could have old-fashioned gal-potty time and discuss the actions of all the Douchengoyles at the party. (Julie mentioned it today, but just in case you missed it- “Douchengoyle” is basically the best word ever! It’s a combo of 2 of our favorite terms for ass-hat boys, “douchecanoe” and “gargoyle”.)


Anydouche, whenever I drink I usually have to sneeze a million times. Actually, I have to sneeze about 5 times after anytime I consume mostly ANYTHING. I have no idea why that is, but it’s quite annoying. I’m starting to think I have a wheat allergy, because it mostly happens when I drink beer or eat anything bready.

So I was sitting on the toilet (#1) when a giant sneeze started to arise from the deepest dark embarrassing parts of my body. I sneeze often, but I rarely have the types of sneezed that literally take over all of my abilities to do or think about anything else. This time though, the sneeze was all encompassing. I’m not sure if I had finished peeing at the point of combustion, but if I hadn’t it definitely shook my blatter clean. I’m fairly sure I didn’t even have to wipe for the next week. One hand was incapacitated with my drink, and the other with toilet paper, so I had no way to cover my mouth, or in this case, my nostrils. After all was said and done, I knew that a fair amount of mucus had made it’s way out of my body, I just couldn’t find where it landed. That is until LA reached for the doorknob to leave the bathroom. Ah yeah… it flew right across the room and landed perfectly square on the doorknob. I probably shouldn’t be so proud, but I kind of am, so judge if you want.

In other news, LA and I finally found some time to unpack a few boxes this afternoon, namely the ones with all of the books in them. It’s weird, for the last few weeks I have felt an emptiness inside of me that couldn’t put my finger on. It wasn’t until tonight when we finally got all of the books up on the shelves that we spent so many hours painting, that I finally realized that I was really missing my books. It’s been over 2 months since I’ve picked up a book to read, which is absolutely crazy for me… It’s not that even I miss reading all that much, although I suppose I do a bit, it’s more that books make me feel good, they make me feel comfortable and at home.

I grew up in a home where books were super important. There wasn’t a room in the house that didn’t have a bookshelf except for the bathrooms… though there were always plenty of books lying around in there as well. Both of my parents are huge readers, and there were weekends when I can remember everyone in my family sitting around in our perspective comfy-spaces with a good book. Even when it was time to eat, or if someone had to go to the bathroom, there was no need to put the book down, we would simply walk around with the book in hand, bumping into walls and each other as we tried to make our way around the house. I probably don’t own a book that isn’t stained with ketchup.

When I was a kid, my mom worked part time at a half-priced bookstore, so I spent much of my summer vacations and weekends there. It was the coolest little place. Each genre had it’s own room. The walls were covered with book and movie posters, and there was a huge section just for comics. I also spent a lot of time hanging out at the headshop next door, but that’s a whole nuther post.

So yeah… books make me feel good. Just having them around me. Plus there is something about owning a collection of anything, and books and movies are my two favorite things to collect. Whenever I get upset or anxious, I will spend hours reorganizing my books and DVDs.

But there is something else about books that I have missed, and since I’ve already gone to a TMI place tonight, I figure I’ll continue on with that.

JOHN CUSACK, If you’re reading… please stop now!

At least I'm not the only one!

At least I’m not the only one!

You see, I never really have problems with going… number 2. I keep quite a regular schedule, especially since I’ve changed my eating habits. But lately I feel that things have been a bit off… Then I remembered about the secret magical power that books have for me. I mean… All I have to do is look at a book and I feel like all my assues are solved. I literally cannot walk into a Barnes and Nobles without having to go-go. I have never been able to figure out if it’s the fact that I associate reading with going, or if it’s the smell of coffee… but it is the most natural laxative EVER!

Anyone else have this problem amazing miracle cure with books and bookstores?

And since we’re not on the subject, but ever so slightly related… I read about this really great product today. Whether you have a man or a dog, I think it could really be helpful…

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  • alexistlesa

    your bodily fluids are more coordinated than my actual body parts. and you have issues that are frankly a bit frightening. must be why i like you.

  • Mrs. K

    I'm going to make my husband read this because I've been asking him to buy me some book shelves for months now. He doesn't understand why it's not good enough to have them boxed up in a closet. It's just homey-er when I'm surrounded by them!

  • ScoMan

    Some days my work days fly by, other days it's long and slow.

    Have fun at your reunion, and if you don't, I promise I won't say “I told you so”.. I definitely won't say it more than three times anyway.

    The only things books cure for me is boredom. I wish they had the effect on me that they do on you, then I could throw out the bran.

    Oh, and I'm very proud of your flying snot effort. Good on you.

  • newlywife

    Now that I'm out of school, I finally have time to pick up a book that's not a school book and read. I'm really looking forward to it!

  • ambermurphy

    I have to poop sometimes when I am at B & N, too. Usually, it's after I actually drink coffee there… luckily, their bathrooms are always really nice.

    The drink sneeze? Weirdspice! Loogie-ing a door handle? Priceless. You obviously have totally great aim. :)

    Go read books!! That Laurie Notaro book SPOOKY LITTLE GIRL is out now. Start with that one!

  • dearjennymac

    I absolutely love books too and we have shelves of them downstairs. My Hub will only buy new hardback and immediately donates them to the library. We would have quite a collection if he wanted them around too. LOL.

  • badassgeek

    Only you could talk about a really great sneeze and have it be a good story.

  • herding Cats

    That blanket is amazing! Genius idea, right there. Also, I had a friend that would poo every time she went into the dollar store. Sh(it) happens, right?

  • starzskymoon

    HAHAHAHA. Can't say I have that issue with books or bookstores, but a friend of mine posted that exact video on her FB yesterday. Needless to say, I think I'm due for one. Between my man and my male dog, my bedroom needs to be severely aired out.

  • Ed Adams

    Okay, okay…I'll go.

    You won me over with the promise of a 2 hr back rub.

    But if it's lame, you'll owe me the happy ending.

  • Nikki

    I'm going to go with definite allergy. Coffee makes me go too, but I suspect someone in the office is putting exlax in the coffee. What if you pooped out your nose? So gross. Why did I even think that?

  • JustMe

    Ahaha! You're not the only one who feels the NEED whenever they're at a bookstore…

    But you know what helps? WHEAT GRASS. It's a great de-toxifier. I've been so regular you'd think I was an old person who was being monitored or something…

  • Andhari

    LOL to the book store being a laxative. I always find it a problem having to do number 2 at places that aren't my house.

  • Name

    This cracked me up. I snotted everywhere in class one time. I think I was in like 5th grade. Luckily, it was during silent reading, so no one even noticed that I had completely slimed my hands and desk. I did the only thing I could – wiped it on the pages of my book and closed the book. I didn't bring that book ever again for SSR, just in case you're wondering.

  • beckeye

    That was me by the way. I'm not sure why this dumbass Disqus thing never works properly.

  • JD at I Do Things

    Projectile sneezing is indeed a rare art, and you SHOULD be proud. That happened to me once, only I was alone and not peeing. Where did the sneeze contents go? I looked everywhere, but no luck. Then, several minutes later, I brushed my hand through my hair, and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! How did it even get there, since my hair is more behind my nose? Several hours under the showerhead and I still felt snotty.

  • Clevelandpoet



    That is an impressive sneeze. Bravo.
    I can't say that books/bookstores do that but that's just me.

  • BobbiJanay@Kid to a Grown Up

    Dude, bookstores are the same way for me.

  • Sada

    Pretty much everywhere makes me have to pee, so… okay, I guess that's not really the same thing.

  • OG

    I actually laughed out loud at your sneeze story (which is a hard feat to accomplish). Sneezing and not knowing where it went is the worst – I always feel like Ben Stiller in Something About Marry when that happens to me. Please tell me you don't grab a book and hit the stall when you're in barnes and noble.

  • tobra

    I dont read nearly as much as I should. I've got about 5 books I'm trading back and forth reading when I get the feeling to read. The funny thing is, that every time I go into a Barnes & Noble I HAVE to buy a book. There's always something there I want to read.

  • yourstrulydear

    drinking rootbeer makes me have to poop. it used to be my favorite drink but now i have to avoid it. i should put rootbeer on my mental laxative list. hahaha.

  • yourstrulydear

    drinking rootbeer makes me have to poop. it used to be my favorite drink but now i have to avoid it. i should put rootbeer on my mental laxative list. hahaha.

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