TMI Thursday: We’re talkin about a queefolution…

As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

First off, I want to start by saying that while this definitely goes into the TMI category, the following post is by no means written with the intent of solely being gross or disgusting. This is a topic that I have been thinking about for a while, and it is something I truly feel needs to be discussed.

Queef is one of my least favorite words in the dictionary, though I’m not even sure it is in the dictionary.

Hold on. I’ll check Dictionary.com…

Queef: No Dictionary results

Well damn, dictionary.com- get with the times.

Thank goodness we have Urban Dictionary to rely on.

The top entry:

1. Queef: an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.

You see people, I have a slight problem with this. While technically, yes, a queef is an expulsion of wind from the vulva- it #1. doesn’t only happen during “coitus,” (who uses that word besides teachers?) and #2 I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fart.

While queefs are similar to farts in that they both are air escaping a cavity in our nether-regions, I think a queef is more of a distant cousin to a fart, if anything. Basically what I’m saying is that I think that for centuries now, queefs have been highly misunderstood.

Farts are the result of the food that you put into your body. The odor and air comes from a place deep down in your bowels where undigested food festers and rots. (I have no idea if this is correct, but it’s the way I imagine it, shut up.) Farts are capable of causing an odor, not unlike the scent that comes from a dumpster or food rotting in your desk drawer. Essentially, it seems to me that is precisely what they are. Your ass is the dumpster or disgusting desk drawer in this scenario, if that wasn’t clear.

I’m getting tired of using the word queef, so from this point on I shall call it by it’s homonym, a Ppfffsshhhhhh.

Ppfffsshhhhhs on the other hand, they are simply the result of extra air being released from a woman’s special parts. There is no odor unless you have a nasty wanana, or have been storing food items up there for reasons that I don’t want to hear about. They aren’t the result of a diet. They don’t mean someone is disgusting. And most importantly, they cannot be foreseen and they most certainly cannot be controlled.

I’m not bitching about this because I’ve had a terrible experience with ppfffsshhhhhhing or anything. Oh sure, I’ve experienced them, plenty of times, but it wasn’t really anything too drastic or embarrassing, and that’s kind of my point. I feel like most adults are to the point where they know there isn’t anything mortifying about ppfffsshhhhhing, yet there is still this stigma that comes along with the real word for ppfffsshhh. I feel like as we get older, it becomes not so much a big deal, but I remember hearing high school boys talk about it and I thought it would be the end of the world if it happened to me during sex.

Though it isn’t the end of the world or a deal breaker (I don’t think) I do still get a little embarrassed when it happens during sexy time. It’s either completely verbally ignored but dwelled upon, thus ruining the remainder of the tromp; or it is followed by an awkward giggle and the comment “ummm… that wasn’t a fart.”

To be honest, most of my experiences with ppffsshhhhhing haven’t even happened during sex. I was a dancer. There were times when we would have to lay on the floor with our legs above our head and one would inevitably escape. Even now when I do yoga, I’m quite sure that there is at least one ppffsshhhhh that occurs in every session by some woman in the class.

That is why I believe that ppffsshhhhhs shouldn’t even have a place in the TMI world. They need a new name that doesn’t sound so gross, and then they need to be de-stigmatized.

My motto? Shit happens, and so do ppffsshhhhhs.

So let’s all come together for the cause. Help me think of a new name for ppffsshhhhhs. We can enter it into Urban dictionary and do our part to change the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire vaginal race.

A sample entry:

V:_____________ (syn) queef, pussy fart (homonym) ppffsshhhhh

1. An expulsion of wind from the vulva that can happen during coitus, stretching, Dr.’s visits, baths, or basically during any activity where any amount of air is pushed up into the vaginal cavity. Although______s do come out of a woman’s woohoo, there is absolutely nothing gross about them. They are usually the result of a pleasurable activity, and even Oprah Winfry, Michelle Obama, and Megan Fox have ______ed on many occasions.

***Feel free to add to that definition as well.

And also?

What has two thumbs and can ppffsshhhhh on command?

Oh yeah, this girl.

ALSO! It’s not too late to enter my Brentalfloss CD Giveaway. Contest closes Midnight on April 4th I will announce the winners next Monday, so get on it. If you are unfamiliar, familiarize yourself with this dude here.

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  • brittneymclain

    OMG! Im laughing my ass off at this post!!!
    You are soo damn funny!!!
    “or it is followed by an awkward giggle and the comment “ummm… that wasn’t a fart.”
    Bahahaha that has been said from time to time during our bow chika wow wow time!! Hahaha!!!

    I cant think of another word for it…

  • ScoMan

    This post made me see if I can still do “armpit farts”.. oh yeah, I still got it.

    I think the queef and the armpit fart are related.. because they are an odourless expulsion of air.

    Maybe they are children of the fart. You know, they sound the same and they don't take the food and the build up of gas and everything.. they're smaller, and have only a few of the same qualities.

    And then the queef and the armpit fart are brother and sister.

    Maybe we should draw a family tree.

  • http://shadesogrey.wordpress.com/ OG

    Sounds like somebody's trying to justify… Seriously, I'm not a big fan of the word or the action, but I realize they are natural and there's not much you can do about it. Plus, if you say something about it during sex you risk not getting to have sex anymore. The word coitus makes me think of Maude Lebowski.

  • Pingback: TMI Thursday: Monday Strikes Again… In The Vagine. | Livit, Luvit()

  • princessofsarcasm

    “Nasty wanana”….LMAO!!

  • thatkindofgirl

    Dude, that description of a _____ is too well-written for Urban Dictionary. That shit's screaming to be TURNED INTO A MANIFESTO.

    Also, the best synonym I could come up with was “lady squawk” which is like nineteen thousand times worse than queef.

  • tatorhead328

    You can ppffsshhhhhh on command? Why is that the thing that most surprised me in this post?

  • http://twitter.com/relivethe90s The 90's

    Seriously one of your best post in a while! HILARIOUS!

    Anyway, my vote is “Love Gust” *excuse me while I go barf*

  • http://www.ishineoutloud.com/shine shine

    You're trying to tell me that I'm NOT supposed to be storing food in my wanana? HOW WILL I GET MY LUNCH TO THE OFFICE?

  • http://www.nikkidz.blogspot.com Nikki

    So odd you should post this because I have you in my blog reader as Queef Latifah.

  • beckeye

    When I hear the word “queef,” I always think of this girl I went to school with in, like, 7th grade. Not that she queefed all the time, but she was obsessed with talking about queefs. She used to make up stupid jokes about queefing. The only one I remember was, “What does a cat take with her when she moves?” Answer: “Her queefs.” I remember her telling me that and me just looking at her and saying, “What the HELL are you talking about?”

  • johanah

    I have a different name for queef or ppffsshhhhh; it's bzutting. Hahaha…

    Thank God I never bzutted during sex! But after sex? Many many times…

  • JDatIDoThings

    Thank you for addressing the “ppffsshhhhhs,” which I have always in my head called “puffs.” I had an embarrassing puff experience during a coital time and it was exactly as you described. Silence, but you know he was wondering. And I so badly wanted to say, “That wasn't my butt!” But I didn't know if he would think it was worse that it WASN'T my butt, you know?

    And thank god I'm not the only one making dumpster farts.

  • KrisakaJaney

    As a ppffssshhhhh'er myself, I can say, well said!

  • hiphophippie

    Fecking hi-lar-i-ous!!! Damn dude, SO funny!!! And is it weird that I'm dying to see you ppffsshhhhh on command?! Yes, yes it is weird. I'm sorry I'll be leaving now.

  • lifeonahanger

    Hmm…I'll have to think on this one…..

  • LivitLuvit

    I’m getting tired of using the word queef, so from this point on I shall call it by it’s homonym, a Ppfffsshhhhhh.

    Well, MY day is made.

  • http://cattails.me verybadcat

    Agreed. Two thumbs up. We are the internet, people- let's do this. 😉

  • http://www.depressionsandconfessions.com/ alexis

    can't. type. gasping. for. air. from my mouth. not my lady parts.

  • NotTheOnlyStargazer

    Tears are literally running down my face from laughing so hard! You are hilarious!

  • ambermurphy

    I knew a gal who could queef on command. Well, I didn't know her well, and I'm not quite sure why it was such common knowledge amongst our mutual friends. I hated that bitch. I wasn't jealous of her queefing abilities, but thought she and my boyfriend and the time had a little too much chemistry.

  • http://www.therapyiseffinexpensive.com Zan

    Ooooh I know what you mean! I hate that word, too! And I know it's natural, but it's still weird…and it seems to only happen to me during or after sex, but especially during when we change positions (i.e. from doggy-style to missionary, etc), and it's still embarrassing. Ugh.

    And also, “nasty wanana” made me giggle. And you know I had to say “wanana” out loud, which made me giggle again.

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    Holy Cow! I learned something new and I didn't want to learn it! You're something else, CJ!!!

    Happy Easter! Have a glorious weekend!!

  • badassgeek

    You can do that on command?

    Consider this my formal request for your next Dare video. Or is that too… personal?

  • http://batcrapcrazy.blogspot.com/ daffy

    I'm picturing Bumper Stickers…..

    No?

    I think you've got something good here…..

  • http://littleinsomniaclolita.blogspot.com Andhari

    LOL @ nasty wanana phrase and putting food there for the reason i don't wanna know…this is why I heart you, Carissa 😀

    I blush if it happens during sexy time as well.

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Wow…this is a very tough category. I mean, being a gal and all…it would need to be dignified and elegant…don't you think?

    How about a “hoo-hoot”?

    E.G.: “Honey, did you just pass the nasty?”
    “No, dear. I merely expelled a subdued 'hoo-hoot'. Proceed.”

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Wow…this is a very tough category. I mean, being a gal and all…it would need to be dignified and elegant…don't you think?

    How about a “hoo-hoot”?

    E.G.: “Honey, did you just pass the nasty?”
    “No, dear. I merely expelled a subdued 'hoo-hoot'. Proceed.”