TMI Thursday: We’re talkin about a queefolution…

As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

First off, I want to start by saying that while this definitely goes into the TMI category, the following post is by no means written with the intent of solely being gross or disgusting. This is a topic that I have been thinking about for a while, and it is something I truly feel needs to be discussed.

Queef is one of my least favorite words in the dictionary, though I’m not even sure it is in the dictionary.

Hold on. I’ll check Dictionary.com…

Queef: No Dictionary results

Well damn, dictionary.com- get with the times.

Thank goodness we have Urban Dictionary to rely on.

The top entry:

1. Queef: an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.

You see people, I have a slight problem with this. While technically, yes, a queef is an expulsion of wind from the vulva- it #1. doesn’t only happen during “coitus,” (who uses that word besides teachers?) and #2 I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fart.

While queefs are similar to farts in that they both are air escaping a cavity in our nether-regions, I think a queef is more of a distant cousin to a fart, if anything. Basically what I’m saying is that I think that for centuries now, queefs have been highly misunderstood.

Farts are the result of the food that you put into your body. The odor and air comes from a place deep down in your bowels where undigested food festers and rots. (I have no idea if this is correct, but it’s the way I imagine it, shut up.) Farts are capable of causing an odor, not unlike the scent that comes from a dumpster or food rotting in your desk drawer. Essentially, it seems to me that is precisely what they are. Your ass is the dumpster or disgusting desk drawer in this scenario, if that wasn’t clear.

I’m getting tired of using the word queef, so from this point on I shall call it by it’s homonym, a Ppfffsshhhhhh.

Ppfffsshhhhhs on the other hand, they are simply the result of extra air being released from a woman’s special parts. There is no odor unless you have a nasty wanana, or have been storing food items up there for reasons that I don’t want to hear about. They aren’t the result of a diet. They don’t mean someone is disgusting. And most importantly, they cannot be foreseen and they most certainly cannot be controlled.

I’m not bitching about this because I’ve had a terrible experience with ppfffsshhhhhhing or anything. Oh sure, I’ve experienced them, plenty of times, but it wasn’t really anything too drastic or embarrassing, and that’s kind of my point. I feel like most adults are to the point where they know there isn’t anything mortifying about ppfffsshhhhhing, yet there is still this stigma that comes along with the real word for ppfffsshhh. I feel like as we get older, it becomes not so much a big deal, but I remember hearing high school boys talk about it and I thought it would be the end of the world if it happened to me during sex.

Though it isn’t the end of the world or a deal breaker (I don’t think) I do still get a little embarrassed when it happens during sexy time. It’s either completely verbally ignored but dwelled upon, thus ruining the remainder of the tromp; or it is followed by an awkward giggle and the comment “ummm… that wasn’t a fart.”

To be honest, most of my experiences with ppffsshhhhhing haven’t even happened during sex. I was a dancer. There were times when we would have to lay on the floor with our legs above our head and one would inevitably escape. Even now when I do yoga, I’m quite sure that there is at least one ppffsshhhhh that occurs in every session by some woman in the class.

That is why I believe that ppffsshhhhhs shouldn’t even have a place in the TMI world. They need a new name that doesn’t sound so gross, and then they need to be de-stigmatized.

My motto? Shit happens, and so do ppffsshhhhhs.

So let’s all come together for the cause. Help me think of a new name for ppffsshhhhhs. We can enter it into Urban dictionary and do our part to change the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire vaginal race.

A sample entry:

V:_____________ (syn) queef, pussy fart (homonym) ppffsshhhhh

1. An expulsion of wind from the vulva that can happen during coitus, stretching, Dr.’s visits, baths, or basically during any activity where any amount of air is pushed up into the vaginal cavity. Although______s do come out of a woman’s woohoo, there is absolutely nothing gross about them. They are usually the result of a pleasurable activity, and even Oprah Winfry, Michelle Obama, and Megan Fox have ______ed on many occasions.

***Feel free to add to that definition as well.

And also?

What has two thumbs and can ppffsshhhhh on command?

Oh yeah, this girl.

ALSO! It’s not too late to enter my Brentalfloss CD Giveaway. Contest closes Midnight on April 4th I will announce the winners next Monday, so get on it. If you are unfamiliar, familiarize yourself with this dude here.

Related posts:

1. TMI Thursday: Everything comes down to poo (not mine)
2. TMI Thursday: My P-phone and how I lost it
3. The Final TMI Thursday: I Bait My Own Hook (In-ur-endo) (That’s what she said)
4. TMI Thursday: Barf-o-rama
5. TMI Thursday: A few of my hated things