My New Bitch Roommates and the Legend of the Water Chupacabra

You guys.  I have a problem. I’ve let it get out of hand. And I don’t know what to do.

We noticed that they had moved in about 3 weeks ago, just a few days after we ourselves had moved in… but for one reason or another (we are lazy, lazy, human beings) we decided not to do anything about it. I don’t even think it came up in conversation until the day that there were over fifty in a swarm on our kitchen counter and they could no longer be completely ignored.

Even then, we sprayed them with a bit of Windex, because that’s what we had available, and we went on with our day.

A few days later, I went to the pantry to get some cereal for a midnight snack.

They had gotten to it first. They were devouring our delicious granola cereal. Those nasty, selfish, tiny little vicious creatures had ruined my cheat food of the week.

Still, we didn’t take action. Oh sure, we threw out the food that they had taken over and we moved the rest of our food to a counter across the room, but I guess at that point we decided that we would give this new co-habitation one more shot. And also, did I mention that we are lazy?

But in the last week or so the situation has gotten exponentially worse. They have multiplied and migrated to other areas of the house. They’ve taken over my bedside table where the 5 empty glasses of wine from the last week have been sitting. I could probably let that slide. Hey! They have good taste.

Only it turns out, not so much. They’ve also taken over my bathroom, and I mean taken over. Every time I sit down to pee, which takes all of 30 seconds, these tiny little bastards scatter like zombies (fast-moving 28 Days Later zombies, not the ones from The Night of the Living Dead) and inevitably at least 5 make it up my thigh. I then spend at least 10 minutes of my precious time on my knees in my bathroom with a wad of toilet paper, squishing the shit out of as many of those little fuckers as I possibly can. It’s like a miniature game of Whack a Mole.

I’ve finally come to the end of my rope. We got off our asses… or actually… picked up our phone and called the land lord to inform him of our new, unwanted house guests.

4 days later he came over bearing poison and traps. They don’t seem to be working though. They are still running around and ruining my existence.


 In other scary news, this weekend I saw the most terrifying thing of my life. Even more terrifying than the time that I was lying on the cold floor taking a hangover-power-nap, and I opened my eyes to find that my roommate was standing over me in her bathrobe, legs spread. I saw her beating heart, I swear. It was funny later, but at the time I was scarred.

Anyhoohoo, my sister and I went out to my family’s ranch to go fishing and such. At the time, we were actually letting her pet turtle go in the creek, because she has this thing about keeping animals in captivity until they are full-grown and accustomed to snacking on chocolate and fresh strawberries, and then deciding that life would be better for the animal if she sent them out into the wild to let them try to fend for themselves.

So there we were, watching Rex the turtle sit in the exact same spot on the bank of the creek for forty-five minutes. My sister tried to coax him into the creek by throwing weiners into the water (which my dog promptly jumped in and ate) and saying things like “Go on Rexy, go into the water… you’ll love your new home.” We were fully engrossed in watching the turtle do nothing, when all of a sudden we heard a loud swoosh.

We both looked up just in time to see it  submerge from the water in all of it’s horrifying glory. I still don’t know what “it” was, but I’m telling you- it wasn’t a creature of God.

It was furry, at least four feet long,  had a very long tail, and I swear I saw red eyes and giant fangs. It only came out of the water for a split second, but it was enough to make me nearly drop my video camera in the water, and even my non-swearing sister said “Holy fuck what was that!!???”

water chubacabra

After the initial panic ceased, I came to the conclusion that our eyes had been blessed with seeing a mythical water chupacabra.

But my sister? She said “maybe it was a sea lion.” In a fresh water creek.

Who knows though. Her guess was as good as mine.



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  • caaarli

    I loled SO HARD at this entry for multiple reasons.

    Could the chupalupa be thiiis: ???

    I hate ants so much. Once, I left a small watermellon on the counter and by the next morning, they had completely invaded it. Did you know they use aphids like we use cows? IT'S CRAZY.

  • Steam Me Up Kid

    Maybe it was a muskrat? I vote muskrat. Are we voting?

    You have ONE cheat food? Interesting. Just one cheat food. Hmm.

  • ScoMan

    I'm pretty sure what you saw was my pet rabbit Maynard which I released back into the wild a few years ago.

    I guess that creek is a popular spot for letting pets go.

  • ambermurphy

    Ants on the ground, ants on the ground. Walking round town cause there's ants on your ground.

    Yeah, um. Lack of sleep seems to be getting to me.

  • Pollypoptart

    This sounds horrible! Ants are fairly harmless, I guess (they're one of the few insects I don't freak out about) but an invasion of them while you're trying to pee sounds terrifying!

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    This was HYSTERICAL!

    For the ants, buy some cucumbers (those are vegetables, found in the produce aisle of the grocery store….you're young enough you may not have eaten them in a decade). Peel long strips of cuke skin and put them around your food cupboards, etc. Let them stay there after they've dried. See if it helps. I used them in my own first place.

  • Travis

    I have a solution for the ants. Take some borax, or any other poison, and mix it with sugar water. Instead of eating it on site, they take it back to the queen. Dead queen, confused ants that need to eat, you have the sugar water, they don't figure it out in time.

    Problem solved.

    Kind of a nursery rhyme type thing.

  • thatkindofgirl

    I second Travis's borax + sugar water suggestion. That's what I used while I was under siege from tropical rat mites — who, PS, also love staging bathroom attacks.

  • JDatIDoThings

    I was a little disappointed that this post did not describe a HUMAN bitch roommate, but I do appreciate the photo of the motherfucking ants AND the amazingly detailed drawing of the water chupacabra.

    Possessed otter? Deranged beaver? Drowning squirrel?

    No, I'll have to go with water chupacabra. It's the only explanation that makes sense.

  • shine

    Maybe it was a beaver?

  • hillbillyduhn

    So um, why was your mate standing over you in her bathrobe??? You saw her heartbeat!! LOL!

  • Ed Adams

    Fucking ants. Bastards!

    At first, I thought maybe you had crabs. Or roaches. Or those little pinchy water bugs.

    Too bad you didn't get that waterdemon on video. You'd be rich & famous-er.

  • mylittlebecky

    holy jesus, mary and joseph… you keep those em effing ants with YOU! do NOT send them here because i had to deal with that shit last year and NO THANK YOU! eff that es in the a-hole!

  • Sara

    I bet it was a nutra rat! My fiancee made me google a picture of one earlier this week, and I almost died a little inside. I can't decide if they're cute or something that will rip your throat out while you're sleeping. Since then, I've been afraid every time I open my closet door that there's going to be a nutra rat on the other side staring at me.

  • lralln9

    I have an official request for a retraction…

  • Nikki

    Is that actual video footage I see?! Perhaps it was a beaver? We had an ant problem in college. Had to make sure we always wiped the counters down and didn't leave out dirty dishes. A word of advice. When you kill one, it sends of some sort of smell that sends for more to attack whatever killed it. It's better to let them take that poison back to their big fat Queen.

  • JustMe

    We sprayed our NYC mice with windex until we couldn't take it and bought a cat. Later, the cat freaked out.

    Traps probably would have been cheaper.

    Also…it could have been a beaver?

  • Kacy

    Eww…your friend and the robe scarring. Gross! It brought me back to the day when I was napping at my best friends house and she thought it would be funny to flash her ta-tas my way- only she went above and beyond the call of duty and got right in my face with her braless bossom and that's what I woke up to. I'm scarred, too.

    Hopefully, those pesky ants get to packin'!

  • Candice

    But did the turtle survive?!

  • OG

    I'm pretty sure that the chupacabra doesn't know how to swim (I read that in a book – true story), so unless it was wearing floaties – I'm going with otter or beaver.

  • Andhari

    OH WOW if they've reached my room, I WOULD SCREAM.

    Please tell me you stomped on some :p

  • dividebyzero

    Er…a sea otter maybe? 😛

    But try to get some bug traps from Wal-Mart or something, works well. Or just some good ol' fashion RAID.

  • Sherri

    Here's a little tip: get some Kosher salt and sprinkle some in your cabinets, at the corners. If you find the spot where the ants are coming in, put a line of Kosher salt and they won't cross it. It works, for reals.

    Your drawing is funny! It reminds me of Allie's stuff at Hyperbole And A Half. [I'm too tired to link it]

  • Sada

    If it makes you feel any better, my new house has ants AND SLUGS. Slugs! Inside my fucking house!

    I've been baiting the ants with boric acid and sugar water, and they're definitely more under control (not gone yet, but I'm going to keep poisoning those a-holes until they surrender). It's also much better for the environment than most commercial ant poison. Here's the recipe if you have a spurt of non-laziness:

    And I also vote for nutra rat. Those things are a scourge upon the earth.

  • badassgeek

    Can I get a framed copy of that last picture? Brilliance.

  • tobra

    I think someone is just upset at the whole bathrobe/hearbeat comment! 😉

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  • kathryn

    Oh, you poor thang. I (of course) can totally relate to these stupid, tenacious, annoying little ants. Those traps don't seem to be doing anything. The only thing that seems to help is spraying the shit out of them with toxic kill-'em-immediately-and-everything-else spray.

    How is it that you almost dropped the video camera but didn't catch this mythical creature on tape??

  • CarissaJaded

    I don't know… it seemed way, way bigger than that little fellow!

  • CarissaJaded

    haha definitely not a rabbit. I wish.

  • CarissaJaded

    We are trying the cucumbers this weekend! And yes, haha- I know them well…

  • CarissaJaded

    question.. if we leave borax out… and the dog eats it, will it die? It gets on my nerves a little, but I don't want it to die. Just the ants…

  • CarissaJaded

    It IS the only thing that makes sense. I'm still having nightmares!

  • Clevelandpoet

    ah the mythical water chupacabre.

    side note: While reading this I recreated the scene in the x-files with the chupacabre where the dude yells “no soy hombre yo soy chupacabre” yeah all alone I just yelled that.


  • verybadcat

    if the ants are red and they are itty itty bitty, they might be sugar ants. if they are sugar ants, you need this clear gel poison and lots of it. i think it's called terro or something, and it comes with these itty bitty cardboard squares you put the clear gel poison on. fucking bugs. i don't park my ass on their ant hills, they can stay the hell outta my house.

    don't know what you saw in the river, so i cannot recommend a poison for it. 😉

  • The Faux Trixie

    Found from from uncorked.

    Um, ants are the worst because they never go away. I wish I had some exterminating trick, like put out a grapefruit rind (that works with those centipede things that inhabit every apartment in Chicago), but I don't. I guess this whole comment was worthless.

    At any rate, I'll be coming back

  • The Faux Trixie

    Found from from uncorked.

    Um, ants are the worst because they never go away. I wish I had some exterminating trick, like put out a grapefruit rind (that works with those centipede things that inhabit every apartment in Chicago), but I don't. I guess this whole comment was worthless.

    At any rate, I'll be coming back

  • Blwallace

    when wild animals approach a chicken pen, they run around the pen and racoons reach in and pull the chickens heads off.