My Life In Numbers… And Yet Another “Breakup.”

8- The number of weeks that have passed since I’ve moved into this house.

2-The number of times that I’ve washed my sheets since I moved in, or any of my clothes for that matter.  (We don’t have a washer or dryer)

2-The number of times I thought my roommate LA used her secret powers to dissapear since I’ve moved in. (We have really weird accoustics in this house so I can never tell where her voice is coming from. It’s really scary when you think you have known someone for 9 years and you’re just now discovering she has the ability to dissapear.)

9-The number of times that our ghost has scared the living daylights out of me since I’ve moved in.

148-The number of pimples that I have on my face due to stress and poor diet.

2-The number of bottles of face wash that I’ve owned in my lifetime.

8- The number of boxes I have yet to unpack. Most of them have books in them, and it’s only when they are all packed up and available that I actually want to read them.

45- The number of times that I’ve cheated on my diet since moving in.

45- The number of times that I’ve said “Tomorrow I’m starting my diet again, for real.” psssha

123,433,123- The approximate number of Jelly Bellies that I’ve consumed in the last 2 months.

3- The number of times that I thought that our new coffee maker was broken and was spilling water. Turns out that I was just ambien-preparing the coffee late at night, then woke up and made it again in the morning not realizing I had already prepared it the night before. For those of you who are unaware, when you put double the water in the coffee tank, the water spills out a little hole in the back, causing crazy people to believe that the coffee maker is broken.

9- The number of days since I’ve been on

3-The number of times that I’ve signed on to Match. That shit takes up a lot of time, that frankly I don’t want to spend answering emails from strangers. I have gone out with one guy a few times which has been really fun… I just don’t understand how people have the mental energy and time to put into dating multiple people…

48-The number of times that I’ve gotten out of my current shower and had morbid thoughts that I was probably going to slip and crack my head open because I don’t have a bath mat.

135- The number of times in my life that I’ve wondered if Paul Rudd is actually a vampire. (That guy never ages, seriously)

4-The number of times in the last month that I’ve had weird dreams that somehow involved the Mac guy from the “I’m a Mac” commercials. I have no explanation for this one.

50- (At Least) The number of wine bottles that have been consumed since moving into this house.

3-The number of weeks since I have last gotten paid. I’m going on no monies at this point.

4- The number of times I’ve said that giving out massages with happy-endings might not actually be that bad of a moonlighting gig.

3- The number of big gigantic ketchup bottles that I have finished in 2 months.

2- The number of boys that I was not actually dating that have broken up with me in the last week. One was documented here, which I still feel a little guilty posting about since I’m a really really nice person. The other happened shortly after. It was actually the first comment posted on that particular post…

I have copied and pasted it below for you lazy bones who don’t want to go and see it for yourself:


Jake 1 week ago

Dear Carissa –

I thought I would keep your weekend on par. Please take this as your official Gay Boyfriend BREAKUP. I feel totally disconnected from you. The only time we’ve hung out since we broke up as room mates, despite my numerous attempts, was at the St. Patrick’s Day Parade…which neither of us remember. Sorry, I really just don’t see us going anywhere. Hopefully we’ll still talk occasionally.

Pee Ess. I won’t be offended if you start seeing other gays.

Pee Pee Ess. Now taking applications for new hot mess girlfriends!


For those of you who don’t remember, Jake is my gay best friend/ex-roomie. He’s the one who used to blow dry my hair and make the “whheeee whheeee” sound when I wanted to overeat. He used to break in my high heels and would  cook me dinner every night. I miss him. We weren’t so much peas and carrots, but we were definitely something like ketchup and baked potatoes.

I miss the way he used to sing “la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la .. ooooooooeeeeeeooooooooooooo,ooooooo ahhhhhhahhhhhhahhhhh (Lovin You, as performed in National Lampoons Vegas Vacation) No one, I mean nobody can hit that high note like he can.

On the same subject, if we break up, who will sing “I will Always Love You” at my wedding???? That is assuming someone will marry me of course.

I admit it has been hard to keep up a long distance (30 miles apart) relationship going, but I’ve had a lot going on… plus this thing goes both ways. I don’t see Jake coming to see me every weekend, or calling me every night. Isn’t the boy supposed to call the girl? Ok, Ok.. maybe the same rules don’t apply in a gaylationship. But still… I’m hurt.

Against All Odds

I thought it was a joke at first, but in the last week I have been getting numerous texts and Facebook posts that have lead me to believe that he is serious about breaking up. It upset me a lot, but it wasn’t until what went down on Facebook last night that I realized I needed to take action.

I have no idea how to do that thing where you screen shot facebook, but this is  how the status updates went down…

Jake ____ would like to officially announce to the world that I’m ignoring Carissa____. It’s been a long time coming…ooooooover “it”…whatever “it” is, or was!

Although this isn’t the first time that Jake and I have argued, it IS the first time that I have realized just how much of a serious problem us breaking up could mean.  Not only am I missing out on good times with my favorite goy on the planet. (Goy is my word for gay boy, duh.) But I am also potentially setting myself up for a scandal. It hit me like a thousand cactus pricks in my ass (no pun intended) that not only does Jake own the domain name for “CarissaJaded,” but he also has the sole ability to keep me from ever becoming president. Let’s be honest, I may not be the most obvious gal for the job, but I’d like to keep my options open.

So my response?

Carissa ___ Jake ____is over me. If you get a chance please tell him I love him very much. This whole thing saddens me. Mostly because he holds the key to my sanity, and also a few extremely scandalous videos.

I’d like to make it clear right now that these videos are not of the Paris Hilton variety. While they may show slight boobage, they were filmed during a time when I was over a hundred lbs heavier than I am now, and they wouldn’t be pleasant for anyone involved. Not only that, but there may be footage of me eating ice cream by the gallon, using an ice cream scooper as a spoon. #AVeryFrighteningImage
It was only a few seconds before he responded again…

Jake____ would also like to let everyone know to stay tuned tomorrow night for some awesomely scandalous pictures AND videos of Carissa___ tomorrow! It’s going to be AWESOME! Can we say T&A?!

While he has yet to post any scandalous videos, I would like to approach this situation with the upmost caution. Meaning? I’m about to go freaking “My Best Friends Wedding” cray cray trying to get my GBF back in my good graces. I’m willing to write and perform a song, a sonnet…. ANYTHING!!! I need some ideas people. I am clueless when it comes to men, much less when it comes to goys. How do you get your Gay Bestie back!?

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  • ScoMan

    The numbers were great. It's good that you keep track of all of these things, and I'm assuming that somewhere you have documented evidence that those figures are correct at the time of writing.

    You and Jake seem to have a lot of fun together which is cool. I'm not sure how you win him back, but I hope you do.

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    CJ, I actually am concerned for you. Those numbers, while a clever blog post, add up to 10 pounds of $h** in a 5 pound bag! I don't want to be all old lady and mom-ish, but maybe if you started with the higher numbers and began to turn them around just a wee bit, things would be better?

    You can always email me if you need to vent.

  • Ed Adams

    MMmmmmmm……..Ice Cream.

    Sorry, I have no ideas on the gay friend stuff.

  • herding Cats

    Unfortunately, I know how you feel. Not with a gay bestie, but with my college bestie. Once I moved six hours away, stuff happened between us and the distance seriously hurt our friendship. It sucks :/

    I think you need to call him and figure out if he's just playing around or if he's being serious. I think he's pretty much missing you a lot and wanting your attention in the worst (and best) of ways.

  • verybadcat

    hmm. maybe you could beg his forgiveness and ask him to help you shop for sundresses? offer to get him a pedicure (if/when you get paid) as an olive branch? i'm not entirely sure how to win a gay boy bestie back….

    fyi, i sleep in my makeup, eat like shit and drink like a fish, but using clinique seems to keep my skin in better shape than i deserve, and it isn't expensive- a bottle of face wash has lasted me the better part of two years.

  • Nikki

    Oh My God! You're right! Paul Rudd never ages. That's going to bother me all day. What about that friend of yours that actually kinda looks like John Cusack. He already knows your vices. You need to look to your inner circle for a good time.

  • BobbiJanay@Kid to a Grown Up

    Good Luck.

  • beckeye

    Grow a pair. No, seriously, I think that would get him back.

    I keed, I keed. My ex-gaymate (gay roommate) moved to LA a couple of years ago and took my nephew (the dog) with him. I miss them both. This reminds me that I need to get out there for a visit soon. Of course, I must get a job first.

  • Candice

    Hahaahaha. Yeah, I can't get into the whole online dating scene. There's not enough men in town.

  • lifeonahanger

    um. you love jelly bellies too??? that much?? this is getting weird…..
    now i feel like i should do a numbers post…hmmm………

  • Travis

    Cheese and rice, lady. I didn't understand half of the things that were in this blog. But I do love the numbers system. My life has definitely been about numbers here lately.

    We need to be emailing each other about how you were able to stay strong for so long. I need all the help I can get at this point.

  • Carissa Jade

    haha I'll do it alright! Muuuahahah!

  • Carissa Jade

    I know it PJ! These last few weeks have been insane. Im making it my number one goal to get things back on track, though I may have exaggerated just a teensy bit.

  • Carissa Jade

    What? Well I need you to inform yourself on the gays ASAP!

  • Carissa Jade

    hmm I may have to try out Clinique, as for Jake.. you have some very good ideas! You must have a goy in your life.

  • Carissa Jade

    haha I don't understand half of this post either, looking back. But for sure, email me anytime.— I need some encouragement getting back on track. These last few weeks have not gone so well….

  • Pollypoptart

    I don't think you've lost your best goy. There's still fun banter even in those facebook msgs. I think you're safe. :)

  • Sada

    Leave it to the gay boy to one-up the straight dude by breaking up with you via BLOG COMMENT. Well played.

    p.s. I'm sure you guys are just in a fight. It can't end this way!

  • ambermurphy

    See, the worst thing about pissing off your gay bestie is that they have so much dirt on you that they should never be allowed to become your enemy. At least in my case.

    As for yours, I don't know what to tell you. Do you really want him back? I'm mad at him for even attempting to break-up with you. Maybe you should just get a rebound gay bestie, shop with him all the time, and make Jake painfully jealous. Then, he will come to his senses.

  • Jake

    Umm I think I HAVE called and I HAVE attempted to hangout, remember when Denny was out of town! The few times I've called it's “Hey, I'll call you back” or that painfully annoying voice mail; actually you got a new phone so it's just generic now.

    It's okay, we're just two different people going in two different directions…maybe one day our paths will cross again and hopefully we'll be sober enough to realize it's happening.

    Btw, I finally want to take you up on your guest post offer, I have a GREAT idea. I want to do an ode' to Carissa and post all the awesome pics and videos I have. :-)

  • bard

    I could use a massage.

  • Karisa Tells All

    1)You have officially consumed more ketchup than face wash, which could be contributing to your 148 pimples.
    2) you have a ghost?
    3) here's how to get your goy back: keep using gortmanteaux (that's gay+portmanteau) such as goy, gaylationship, etc. Here are a few more for you: Gaytor= gay waiter, guncle=gay uncle, gactor= gay actor, ggrandpa=gay grandpa

    Good Guck! (that's gay luck, btw)

  • floreta

    aw your gay friend sounds fun!

    and i've had weird dreams about the mac guy too!! lol, were they sexual?

  • JD at I Do Things

    OK, first of all, this:

    Turns out that I was just ambien-preparing the coffee late at night

    cracked me up. How many things have I “vicodine-done”? I'm still finding out. Blog posts I don't remember writing. E-mails for job opportunities I totally ignored. I just hope someone doesn't hand me a baby and say, “You vicodin-birthed this baby, now take it.”

    I'm sad for you and Jake, but it sounds like he's willing to keep the dialogue open. I wish I had a goy. I used to . . . maybe I should hunt him down. Good luck. I'll be keeping an eye out for those videos.

  • Andhari

    Love the numbers of wine and jelly beans consumed. Haha. I have so many pimples due to stress these days as well. I wonder what can I do to not have them anymore. acne cream really doesn't work and facial hurts!

  • Andhari

    Love the numbers of wine and jelly beans consumed. Haha. I have so many pimples due to stress these days as well. I wonder what can I do to not have them anymore. acne cream really doesn't work and facial hurts!

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