A Fan Letter to My Greatest Love (Not who you’re thinking)


Dearest Ketchup,

Is Ketchup OK? Or do you prefer Catsup? For now we’ll stick with Ketchup…

I’m not trying to come across like a creepy fan here, but I feel like it’s time I came clean with you about a few things.

I'm not picky about which spoon I am.
I heart cuddling.

 I have been a huge, HUGE fan of yours for a  very very VERY long time, and I think it’s time you understood the extent of my love for you.

Just so you know, I’ve only written a few fan letters in my life. One was to Jonathon Taylor Thomas, one was to Keith Coogan (yes this Keith Coogan) (and it may have been like last year on Myspace) (Because I LOVE him and “the dishes are done, man”) and one was to Seth Green. I was really fucked up watching Robot Chicken when I wrote the Seth Green one, so I’m not even sure it should count. I haven’t EVEN written John Cusack a fan note yet. Oh I’ve sent him a few ambien induced tweets, but still. What I’m trying to say is, Ketchup, is that you are one of the elite.

We could pick out yummy recipes together.
We could pick out yummy recipes together.

I’ll be honest with you, it started out as an innocent crush. Growing up, I would casually put you on fish sticks and chicken nuggets. Even now, when the idea of fish sticks pretty much makes me want to hurl, I would probably eat them if there was enough of you smothered on them. I would probably eat anything with enough of you smothered on it. Maybe not snails or poop though. I have to draw the line somewhere.


I could teach you how to dance...


I know part of the appeal may come from the fact that my grandparents never really approved. On Thanksgiving, my cousins and I would have to hide you under the dinner table because they thought it was innapropriate to eat you at the table. I still have to do the same whenever I go out to eat steak dinners, apparantly its even rude to ask for you. But I do every time.




I’m pretty poor, Ketchup, but  no matter how poor I get- I cannot go without you. I always buy the big bottle, though I’ll take you whatever way I can get you. I especially love the Whataburger **fancy ketchup. If it ever came down to it, I might be willing to hold up a Whataburger to get a hold of you.



I put you on chicken, I put you on beans.

I put you on eggs, I put you on greens.

 I put you on potatoes-fried, mashed and baked,

I put you on sandwiches and on  yummy crab cakes.

 I put you on carrots, I put you on rice-

I bet if I put you on cookies it would even taste nice.

Whether it’s Heinz 57,  Hunts or store-brand

I’ll always put you first, ahead of any man.

Or on my man? That might be fun too…

But even if I did, I’d only be thinking of you.



I could probably go on here forever, but there are some things I want to save for the bedroom kitchen.  I kid. Although, you have may heard that on a recent trip to Uncle Julio’s I told my tamale that I would have sex with it if it had ketchup on it, but I want to take this slow. That’s how much I like you.

That being said, I really hope you’ll get back to me so we can “catch up.”


I’m sure you get that all the time. I really do hope you know I’m being genuine and  I’m not sort of tomatHOE.

Ok I’ll stop.

I love you,

CarissaJaded (your biggest fan)


I know this might be a little weird for you, but I also love cheese and tabasco sauce so I was thinking  that maybe one of these days… nevermind.


**If you do not know about Whataburger fancy ketchup please send me your address and I will send you one. I’m serious. In fact I’ll do a giveaway. Yeah…. comment here and one of you will get a fancy ketchup in the mail.


**I’m serious about the ketchup, but there will be an ACTUAL giveaway later this week. It’s supercool and I’m really excited about it so stay tuned.


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  • http://www.ftcs.wordpress.com/ Clevelandpoet

    I want some damn fancy ketchup!

    that ode made my evening by the way.

  • herding Cats

    Whataburger???? I'm curious! Also, I'm pretty sure that's my all-time favorite poem. Awesome.

  • CarissaJaded

    Well thank ya sir. I think I'm going to work on a rap love song for ketchup next. I'll send you some but then you'd want to move to texas.

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com Kirsten

    I WANT A KETCHUP. We dont even have whataburger here but I heard its awesome. Also I loved this post. I lol'd. Please take more glamour shots with the ketchup. Also make out with it. Thanks. I'm not creepy btw.

  • ScoMan

    My brother used to put ketchup on everything growing up. EVERYTHING.

    We all thought it was because he loved ketchup.

    Last year he confessed it was because he hates my mums cooking. Since moving out of home he's stopped using it.

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    This is one of my favorite all time CJ posts! And your ode to ketchup? Sublime!

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    It's never, ever, ever Catsup. NEVER.
    You're too cute!

  • http://microcows.blogspot.com Elliott

    I miss Whataburger, there might be one in Florida but I don't know where that would be. Despite my sparing and careful use of the red stuff, I have a collection of Sonic ketchup packets that were going to be a prize for one of my blog contests that never materialized.

    And sometimes, ketchup on pot roast is the best thing ever. And my grandmother approved.

  • http://microcows.blogspot.com Elliott

    My grandmother had a squeeze bottle that said 'Catsup', as a child I thought there might be a difference…

  • badassgeek

    That poem was seriously incredible.

  • http://www.postcardsandpassports.com/ meg

    is whataburger a fast food chain? i've never heard of it.
    i also love ketchup. in fact, one year I got a bottle of it for christmas, with a anonymous card from “Mr. Heinz”. it had a picture of a ketchup bottle with a top hat and bow tie on it. It was a high/low point in my life.

  • LivitLuvit

    That's the same bottle B got me (two of) for my birthday!!! Twinsies!

  • jeneypeney

    “I know this might be a little weird for you, but I also love cheese and tabasco sauce so I was thinking that maybe one of these days… nevermind.”

    You. Are. Hysterical.

  • brittneymclain

    OMG!!! This was the funniest ever!!!! Lmao!!

  • thatkindofgirl

    haha, you're adorable. Ketchup and I have never gotten along, but for many years I've been under the spell of its cousin, barbecue sauce. Drool.

  • ktcotton

    Even though I hate Ketchup and get disgusted when I see you pile it on EVERYTHING, I must admit I almost died laughing at your amazing poem and snapshots of love! True Love is a beautiful thing 😉

    & for the record I love you ranch dressing, you make every meal better and you are way cooler than ketchup!!!

  • darkfighterdoken

    Yo I love Ketchup too and I would love to try that fancy ketchup (I'm only sending my address through an email though just to be save). My email is darkfighterdoken@yahoo.com

  • http://hillbillyduhn.blogspot.com/ Hillbilly duhn

    LMAO ketchup on your man… I wonder if that's what my hubs feels like for cheese in a squeeze can and he wanted to put it all over my boobies…I'm thinking now it wasn't about cheesy boobies and licking and lopping, but instead, it was all about the cheese… Now I'm sad… and here I thought he really enjoyed the cheesy boobies….

  • http://www.ishineoutloud.com/shine shine

    Not all ketchups are made equal. But Whataburger ketchup IS awesome.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com/ Candice

    Most beautiful poem ever. *tear

  • http://thedailydoseofreality.blogspot.com/ Ian

    This is some funny shit. If you get married to that ketchup bottle I won't judge. Just save me some of it for my burger please.

  • tatorhead328

    Ketchup, cheese, and tabasco sauce? If you end up talking Ketchup into it, you should probably record it and post it on youtube.

  • http://www.carmasez.com/ carma

    there is a whataburger the next town over – did not realize I've been missing out on this delicacy all this time!!!!

  • ambermurphy

    Ketchup is good. However, I've never been a fan of cat soup.

  • likeagiraffe

    this is… the best ever. EVER. I LOVE KETCHUP. hilarious!

  • http://microcows.blogspot.com Elliott

    You're just not cooking it right…

  • http://www.uncorkedv.com/ *uncorked

    You might be insane. Just saying.

  • blacklog

    An Italian friend of mine caught an Indian friend using Ketchup in her cooking – he was not impressed.

    Thanks for dropping in and leaving a comment. It was a bit strange as I had accidently hit the publish button before I had completed the formatting for the blog. When I saw your comment had arrived it was like someone dropping in while the house was in a state. I was rushing around trying to finish off the cleaning, hope it was not a complete mess for your visit….

  • SeanRamblings

    As a Pittsburgh native, I'm happy that you have a bottle of Heinz ketchup. If it was Hunt's or some other inferior kind of ketchup, I may have had to stop reading your blog!

  • beckeye

    HAHAHA…this reminds me so much of my best friend. The first time I ever had her over for Thanksgiving dinner at my family's (years ago), she put ketchup on her turkey and I thought everyone else was going to pass out.

  • http://vegetableassassin.blogspot.com/ Vegetable Assassin


    I can give you the number of a good psychiatrist… :)

    Ketchup rules. If you don't like ketchup you're probably a serial killer, that's my motto.

  • http://www.lucysreality.com/ Lucy

    I'm a Henz 57 girl but Fried stuff only, I mean carrots and rice, wow!!!

  • lifeonahanger

    OMG OMG whataburger ketchup….AMAZING.
    I also wrote to JTT….curious….
    A certain someone I know calls it “tomato ketchup”

  • lacochran

    You make a cute couple, I'll give you that, but *I've* been doing ketchup for years.

  • http://mommywantsvodka.com/ Aunt Becky

    Um. I need Whataburger ketchup immediately.

  • http://senseofstyleiseternal.blogspot.com/ Kayla

    This is pretty funny cause I actually Hate Ketchup. But I eat bbq sauce on everything!


  • http://littleinsomniaclolita.blogspot.com Andhari

    Hahaha you're hilarious!

    I love ketchup and chili sauce, I put them on anything and I'll be super cranky when they're not around during a fried food fiesta :)

  • http://cathyhasantsypants.blogspot.com Antsy Pants

    I love this!! The poem is brilliant. Cute pics too, you two make a lovely couple

  • http://www.kidtogrownup.com/ BobbiJanay@Kid to a Grown Up

    That is so funny, the only kind of ketchup I will eat is Whataburgers.

  • http://matthewjenks.blogspot.com/ Matt_J

    Wow, am I sorry I missed this one when it originally came out. I must say, awesome.

    And, I should totally get fucked up while watching Robot Chicken and send Seth Green a love note, too. Er, um, fan note. Yes. Fan note.

  • http://batcrapcrazy.blogspot.com/ daffy

    Um….yeah….I really have nothing…..the red stuff is good. I'm glad that someone is in love with it. Everyone deserves that kind of love at least once in their life!

  • http://batcrapcrazy.blogspot.com/ daffy

    Um….yeah….I really have nothing…..the red stuff is good. I'm glad that someone is in love with it. Everyone deserves that kind of love at least once in their life!