I’m not who I thought I was.

I’ve always considered myself a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of gal. You know, the kind of girl who doesn’t need to set plans far in advance. The type of person who you could call on for a last-minute night out.  The kind of person who never has a routine, who is fine doing whatever is thrown at them.

Yeah, that was me. Or so I thought.

Turns out I was wrong. Mostly…

I am laid back, and I will do whatever is thrown at me, and I am up to trying new things… just as long as I can fit those things nicely into my daily routine.

There. I’ve said it. It’s something I’ve been in denial of for the last few years. I haven’t even been able to admit it to myself, in my own brain. This week, however, I have had no choice because it has been repeating itself in my head like a big snare drum or my mother’s pet cockatoo.

I am a creature of habit. I must abide by the routine.

I haven’t always been this way. There was a time in my life when I was ok without a routine because my life required me to be. One day I would come home and eat and early dinner, and the next I wouldn’t eat until eleven at night. One morning I would have class at eight am and the next morning I would sleep until one.

I’m not sure if it was work, or starting to exercise  and drastically changing my diet, or just taking a little bit more control over my life that influenced it- but at some point in the last few years I became a habitual person.

Every week day, I wake up around 7am:15am and head to work at 7:30. I eat every day at 11:45. I leave work at 5:00 and head straight to the gym. After I work out, I come home, eat dinner, take a shower, spend at least an hour writing something and then either play on the internet or watch a movie. Every so often I forgo the gym and eating dinner at home, and will meet friends for drinks or go to the movie theater, but not often enough to where I feel out of control.

The last few days as I’ve been preparing to move, things have gotten crazy. I know for most people it probably wouldn’t be such a big ordeal, but for those of you who know me or have been following me for a while- let’s all think for a moment about the “hurricane” that is my life.

I know I just admitted here to all the internets that I do, in fact, have to have a routine- but there is practically nothing else in my life that is in order. When I say that my life is a mess, I’m not speaking metaphorically. I mean that the things in my life are a fucking mess. I promised myself that with this move, I would finally attempt to organize my “tangible” life, which is no easy task.

My car is a disaster. My jewelery is in knots. There are receipts, letters, keepsakes, and pieces of paper with random thoughts and ideas jotted on them- stuffed in drawers and piled in stacks around my room. I have had to do about 30 loads of laundry, and half of those clothes are 8 sizes too big and have been in the back of my closet for the last year and a half. I have at least 30 half-pairs of socks, which I just don’t understand.

I’m starting to feel a little better with each task that I complete, but at the same time peeps- I’m going freaking crazy!!! I’ve had to make several  trips to the store to get boxes or trash bags or cleaning supplies. I am extremely ADD so I’ve started a million different tasks that I haven’t yet finished, which just makes everything feel chaotic. Even when I’m not staying on task, I’m thinking about what I need to be doing- or most often, what I’m not doing that I would like to be doing.

I haven’t worked out in nearly a week, and I have eaten out (and off my diet) for nearly every meal.  I haven’t gotten to read or write much, and I have the opportunity to start writing for a really cool site and it really sucks that I haven’t yet been able to put the time into it that I would like.

I have been getting to bed even later than usual and I haven’t been sleeping very well. And now I have this pressure that I have put on myself to get my entire life organized- and I ONLY HAVE 2 MORE DAYS TO DO SO!!!

I know I’m not going to be able to finish everything, and that’s OK. I do want to make this move a new beginning of sorts. The last couple of weeks I have decided to step out of my “box”  and try new things and I want to continue to do so. But at the same time, I want to try to adapt to a more orderly “tangible” lifestyle.

One of several tornadoes observed by the VORTE...
Image via Wikipedia

I’ve realized that I’ve become immune to messiness, especially when I’m in good spirits. But when I am down, the disorder begins to suffocate me. I think this change could do wonders for my mentality. I want to take a little more time concentrating on the little things, and not so much time skipping over things just so I can live the way I’m used to.  Maybe instead of a “hurricane,” my friends will start to call me “tornado“… or “thunder shower.”

Yet here I am, venting to you guys in this non-though-out, probably incredibly grammatically incorrect post, because I HAD TO. I feel much better now, though I do feel slightly guilty that I have spent nearly twenty-five minutes sitting here in front of my computer writing utter nonsense.

Thanks for lending an ear, good people of the inter-web.

I most likely will not be back until Tuesday, and let’s all hope that by then- I’m a little more organized, a little more sane, and back into my (slightly adjusted) daily routine.

I think John Cusack (My boyfriend) will approve.


And completely unrelated, there are quite a few of my lovah’s out there who have recently given me awards. Don’t think I have forgotten about you. One day, in the not so distant future, I WILL do an award post,

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  4. In which I vlog and am a klutz
  5. Hovering over the cuckoo’s nest. And that’s OK.
  • http://www.untidy.ca/ Carli

    Mr. Clean is a LIAR!

    Good luck on your organization quest! I usually feel better when things are arranged into neat little piles, too.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Carli you're back!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! I am sure gonna try. But alas, here I am back at my computer… Oh wells.

  • http://rdingcats2.blogspot.com/ Herding Cats

    Don't even worry about it. Moving is THE WORST. I am totally a routine girl, and when I moved twice last year, I thought I was going to die. Hang in there!

  • http://www.holdtheweaksauce.wordpress.com/ Cheddar

    Way to come to terms with the routine thing. I wish I had a routine. I'm almost jealous of people who do. According to my car payments, real job, rent, age, etc., I'm an adult, and yet as a result of unpredictable work hours and possible insomnia, I often find myself eating cereal and grapefruit for dinner at 11:30 at night. What?

  • ambermurphy

    I can so relate. I've always been a clutterbug. Even as a kid — my room was always a mess. I used to promise myself that when I had my own place (and more room for my things) that I would keep it orderly.

    Yeah. That so didn't happen.

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    Take it out, put it back; lay it down, pick it up; use it, replace it; soil it, wash it; owe it, pay it; borrow it, return it; launder it, fold it and put it away; damage it, repair it; can't repair it, dispose of it; no longer use it, donate it; forgetful, write it down; completed, cross it off……

    It's basics and one step at a time. One drawer or shelf a day is all you need to work on. You can do it.

  • http://microcows.blogspot.com Elliott

    This is always the problem with moving, it gets in the way of those routines. I have either gained or lost about 30 pounds each time we move, depending on whether I just forgo eating altogether or grab greasy gut bombs at 1 AM because I just can't stand it.

    It will get back to normal. (And I know you know that, and this panic is only temporary, but somehow I felt it necessary to reassure you anyway.)

  • http://perfectlycursedlife.com/ Kimwithak

    Moving is probably the most annoying thing in the world to do. Packing and unpacking are tasks best left to other people.

  • http://www.outofbevshead.com/ Bev

    Routines are good, but sometimes it's good to get a little crazy too. Makes it so much nicer to get back to normal…. 😉

  • graygrrrl

    I am the exact same way! I would love to forgo certain weekly events in favor of something new and different, but that means doing something new and different. My life is like a cozy old sweater complete with holes. And I wonder why I never meet new people/boys (couldn't have anything to do with my “stranger danger” feelings).
    My suggestion- make a list. Lists are like love letters with bullet points. It is so satisfying to scratch off another task. It helps keep me focused in a world of shiny objects and lets me see exactly how far I have to go.
    Good luck on the move!

  • JDatIDoThings

    Best of luck with your “new life.” I, too, have been trying to make changes to my routine It's hard! For example, if I don't exercise between 9 and 11, forget it! I can't exercise at ALL.

    In other news, one of your Google ads says, “My Baby Eating.” This first struck me as meaning something like “My Baby Eating Habits Revealed!” But that's probably not what it's advertising, sadly.

  • http://www.ishineoutloud.com/shine shine

    Please. If I don't do things in the exact same order in the shower, I'll end up washing my face with shaving cream. I wish I were joking.

  • http://www.nataliecottrell.blogspot.com/ Natalie Cottrell

    Here's an idea: you get the wine, we bring the mad organization skills! I really do love to organize and I'm really good about staying on task (unless, as Shine or Gofahne will tell you, there's something shiny dangled in front of me). Even if you just want to tackle one project at a time, we're just a text/call/email away, hun. Mwah!

  • http://www.nikkidz.blogspot.com/ Nikki

    Better Thunder Showers than Thunder Thighs…which is what my family used to call me. You fell off the wagon for a bit. You'll get your groove back. Stella did. Hang in there little buddy.

    And hey… THANK YOU so much for your twitter love with Bryan and my little contest. Becky told me, feeling the love for sure! You're awesome!

  • edadams

    Patiently awaiting your return.

  • http://dibblyfresh1.blogspot.com/ Sadako

    Definitely feel the routine love myself. I'm not super tidy or anything but I like doing things on a schedule, going to the same places, doing the same things…I'm very Monkish in some ways. Hate change! (I know, I know, I should take a note from Miss Frizzle. Take chances, make mistake, get messy!)

  • CarissaJaded

    AHHHH twice in one year!? AH hells no!

  • badassgeek

    Sounds like you need an assistant.

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com Kirsten

    Vent all you want! Writing helps me vent so much.

    Also I'm a creature of habit with my schedule too. If I dont have time to sit down relax and go on the computer every night after work I go crazayyy

  • hiphophippie

    Oh man, I go kuuuuuh-razy when my life is in disaray!! Which always happens during a move. I'm so annoyingly habitual and anal freaking retentive that it's actually probably really good for me when a wrench is thrown into my routine. But I hate it!!! Hahaha!

    Good luck hot stuff!!!

  • http://thetell-notmakingthisshitup.blogspot.com/ Alyxmyself

    May I suggest buying inezpensive binders with plastic lseeves and putting the random pieces of paper based on “personal”, inspiration”, “to do”, etc? It helps :) and good luck! its gonna be okay!

  • http://livitluvit.com/ LiLu

    Oh lady. I am SO this way. Especially the jewelry in knots… sigh.

  • http://thetell-notmakingthisshitup.blogspot.com/ Alyxmyself

    May I suggest buying inezpensive binders with plastic lseeves and putting the random pieces of paper based on “personal”, inspiration”, “to do”, etc? It helps :) and good luck! its gonna be okay!

  • http://livitluvit.com/ LiLu

    Oh lady. I am SO this way. Especially the jewelry in knots… sigh.