Do you want to be a hot mess? Are you jealous of the fact that week after week I do really ridiculous things that have made my friends nickname me “Hurricane Carissa?” Do you want to spend at least one day a week living out your own version of The Hangover? Do you want to be the focus of some really embarrassing stories that your friends will tell for weeks years to come?
Well probably you don’t, but just in case you DO – I have compiled a list so that you can be just as awesome as I am!!
*** Do not try to achieve “hot-mess” status unless you have some good friends around to make sure you don’t take it too far. You will also need some people that you can count on to help put your life back together once it is all said and done. You also will want to surround yourself with patient friends, who know how to have a good laugh.
*Start out your Friday night by jinxing yourself. It’s pretty fail-proof if you utter the remark “I’m not drinking very much tonight,” that you will actually drink that much and probably more.
*Begin the night with double vodka soda’s.
*Supplement drinks with shots.
*Do a few performances at a karaoke bar, including the “always a crowd pleaser” “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Old School version.
*** A karaoke performance is not complete if you don’t include a leg kick at some point.
*Talk to any person who is willing to talk to you, and tell your entire life story.
*Make your new bar friends look up what you proclaim to be the “funniest blog in the world,” (mine) (which I know is certainly not the case) and make them save it to their phone.
*Go back to the microphone and sing “What A Wonderful World,” in the voice of Louis Armstrong. Again.
*End said performance by saying something like “SORRY IF THAT SUCKED AND IF YOU THINK SO WELL THEN EFF YOU BITCHES.”
*Wake up in the morning 30 minutes before you need to be somewhere that is forty-five minutes away.
*Realize that you left your phone at the bar.
*Realize that your wallet is also missing.
*YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR ENTIRE PURSE AT A BAR.
*Drive back to bar and recover your life.
*Arrive at new landlord’s house to sign your lease 45 minutes late so that he is no longer home.
Put your money in his mailbox, call and leave a message to let him know that you’ve done so.
*Don’t hang up phone after you leave message, and accidentally record yourself saying something to the likes of “this effing blows, we get up early to get this shit taken care of and he isn’t even effin here.”
*Meet up with a friend and drink two of her mother’s Mikes Hard Lemonades.
*Proceed to go to lunch and have 2 bloody marys.
*Take a 3 hour nap.
*Wake up and go to a bar for dinner and drinks at about 6, having not showered and wearing the same clothes you wore the night before.
*Text people that you definitely have no business texting, and that you shouldn’t even be talking to.
*Get your phone taken away by a friend, but it’s for the better.
*Leave the bar at around 10 and pass out on a friend’s couch while everyone else is watching a movie.
*Wake up at 8 with a dead phone, having no clue where you are.
*Luckily, you will still have time to make the sausage biscuit breakfast at Whattaburger.
*Go to see Valentines Day, looking, feeling, and smelling like three day old dogshit.
*On a Sunday afternoon proclaim with pride that “I haven’t showered since Thursday night!!!”
*Get in your Hurricane car and drive back to hurricane room, where you will ponder on these events and then the ones that you don’t remember so much about.
*Blog about it all so that the whole world has the opportunity to read about your awesomeness.
*Do things to help you forget your night/s.
*Relive it all again when a friend posts pictures of you in your worst state possible.
There you have it, somewhere around 30 easy steps to be a hurricane.
Happy Monday folksters!!