Craigslist, I’m counting on you!

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock or somewhere in my car, you’ve been on Craigslist.

Time out… Let’s take another look at my car and make sure you’re not in there.

cwvDm9asA3Lw9atmAbl5etGTDgNo? Well we really can’t be sure, can we? You haven’t even seen the back seat yet. And I’m not going to bother with that because quite frankly it disgusts me to look at.

Anydisgustingness, I keep hearing about how this Craigslist world is such a magical place. I spent a million hours on it a day when I was looking for a jobby-job. As a result I never got a job, but I did go on many interesting interviews. However, it seems like everyone else that I know in the whole-wide-world has had magnificent success on Craigslist. I have friends who have sold cars in an hour, found great deals on iphones, and it seems some people have great success finding hookups. I’ll admit, I’ve spent quite a bit of time perusing the Men seeking men section. It’s quite amusing.

I know I’ve mentioned that I’m moving in a couple of weeks, and I have no idea where. Actually, there are quite a few things I need to work out in the next few weeks… I have  things to get rid of, I need a bed, and I’m not sure how I’m going to survive outside of my current living situation.

It’s very bitter sweet. I currently have 2 roommates, two of them being my two favorite gay boys in the world. Now they are moving off to live on their own, and while I’m super pumped about living with my BFF LA, who is going to blow dry my hair when I’m too lazy to do so? Who is going to make high-pitched pig oinks to deter me from eating a brownie? Who the hell is going to stop me from leaving the house looking like a homeless person?????  And once again… where am I going to live???????

In an act of desperation, I’ve decided to turn to Craigslist for answers. I know what I’m looking for may not exist, but if everything I’ve heard about Craigslist is true- I figure it’s worth a try!!!

Housing wanted: Looking for house/condo/castle/bungalow/log cabin/mansion

Location: DFW

We are 2 girls looking for housng for rent in the DFW area. We would like to be close to Fort Worth, but I work in Butt-Effing-North Dallas, so preferably something in the middle of the two. We could probably afford anything up to $1,300- but would really like to stay in the $600-$900 price range so that we have more money left over for booze and DVDs. We need a minimum of three bedrooms, a large back yard, a pool and hot tub (with a hot pool boy included,) a wet bar, 2 master bathrooms, jacuzzi tubs, a fountain, a statue somewhere in the yard, a two car garage, 2 living areas, an office, an exercise room, a wet bar, and a bidet.

Neither of us are very clean, but we promise to stuff everything in our closets if the land-lord ever needs to stop by. Actually we would prefer a land-lord that lives out of the country. Must be pet friendly as my roommate will be bringing her poop-eating Basset hound, and I will be buying a new rat in the near future. Or maybe a ferrett, I haven’t decided yet. I would reallllly like a monkey, but I’m not sure that is legal.

We are friendly neighbors, and expect the same out of anyone who lives near us!! To be more specific we would really like to live next to hot single boys. They must like to drink beer and know how to fix things and it would really help if they know how to cook.

On the other side, we would like to live next door to an old lady who likes to make ice tea and bring us left-overs.

We aren’t very loud but do like to sing and hold dance parties in our living room. We may not pay rent on time every month, but if we don’t, we promise to have super good excuses.

Can’t wait to live in your home!!

Roommate wanted: Looking for gay roommate to fill some  big shoes!!

Location: DFW

Heeeeeyyyyyyyy Lovahs!!!!!

Do you need a place to live? Do you like to clean and lot drink wine? Do you know every word to the Rent soundtrack?? We may be the roommates for you!!!

I am losing my gay best roommate, and I need a replacement ASAP.

Must love singing, watching Glee, and indulging my taste for cheezy romance movies. I sometimes forget to unplug things like hair rollers or flat-irons, so I need someone who will leave for work after me, and who will check for these things. Must be computer savvy, and know how to fix my phone when it freezes up. It is imperative that you like cheese… a lot. You must like/and know how to break in a pair of high heels in short amount of time. Must lovvvveeee to do dishes, or at least hate the way that I do them- so that you will do them yourself. It would be a great plus if you enjoy organizing things on shelves and know how to clean up an exploded toilet.

In addition your duties will also include: making sure I pay my bills, cooking all of my meals, blowing out my candles that I leave burning, figuring out how to put the tv on DVD mode, making the internet work on my computer, cleaning up glass when I drop my wine, ironing my hair with the clothes- iron when I want it really shiny, telling me when I’m being a bitch, reminding me to take back my movies, and telling me that you have all the symptoms as I do when I think I’m dying so that I don’t think I’m going to die alone.

I can deal with the bugs that need squishing, but I will need someone who will not tell anyone if I drunkenly decide to pee in an empty water cooler in the garage. I’ll keep your secrets for you too!!

Can’t wait play board games and sneak wine into art house movies with you!!!!


Jobs/Volunteer/Intern: Life Coach/decision maker needed

Location: DFW

I am a single, indecisive girl looking for a companion to help me through life!! You can be male or female, but I am (mostly) looking for a platonic relationship- so if you’re male it would be best if you’re asexual.

Job Description: Make every decision for me.

Details: Your job will be to make sure that I make no more silly mistakes in life, though if I do- you will be responsible for them.

Must be able to make quick, smart, decisions. These will range anywhere from big-life changing decisions (should I text, or should I not text) to small decisions that may or may not have an impact on my life (what should I eat for dinner.)

Skills: Nutrition, fashion, boys, social networking, facebook updating, dealing with drunk people.

Compensation: None.

___

Wish me luck!!

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  • http://laughstooeasily.blogspot.com/ Dani

    Hey if you can find your dream house/gay roomie/life coach anywhere, it is the magical world of craigslist…that is as long as you are willing to wade through the ocean of creepos you will also get.

    But hang in there, you cant make a living situation omelet without breaking a few creepo eggs, or however that cliche goes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Thomas-Lopez-Jr/902540312 Thomas Lopez Jr

    Priceless. All kinds of awesome. Good luck!

  • http://www.livingwicked.com/ LivingWicked

    “Do you need a place to live? Do you like to clean and lot drink wine? Do you know every word to the Rent soundtrack?? We may be the roommates for you!!!”

    IF I ONLY LIVED IN THE DFW AREA!!!!!!! I LOVE WINE!!!!!!

  • http://www.ambarsthoughts.com/ Ambar

    jajajajajaja funniest thing ever!!! But seriously, I got my job through Craiglist :)

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    I have never used Craigslist. I tried to browse it once and got no where. It is dark and a bit damp living under a rock.

    I adore the photo of you and your car's interior. It's the juxtaposition of comedy and tragedy. 😉 That's our word for today: juxtaposition. 😉

  • dearjennymac

    Who is going to make high-pitched pig oinks to deter me from eating a brownie?

    HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. This made me laugh out loud.

  • http://microcows.blogspot.com Elliott

    That's actually a fair simulation of my car, on a good day. I sincerely hope that you'll be posting the responses you receive to these ads. Oh, and if by some long shot I ever get to visit the Lone Star State again, remind me not to drink out of anything that may have done time in your garage…

  • http://edsfunnypages.blogspot.com/ Ed Adams

    Good luck with your “searches”.

    lol

    P.S. Clean your damn car!

    P.S.S. You're a cutie.

  • http://cathyhasantsypants.blogspot.com Antsy Pants

    You have a gift….for writing awesome ads. Brilliant! If you dont find a house/roommate/decision maker I will be shocked.

  • Jakerz

    LMAO! Great post Carissa. Denny and I too will miss our part time job with FEMA. The hurricane clean up has been a daily adventure and there is still a lot of work to do; but dammit, it’s been FUN!

  • http://www.thatstangly.com/ Candice

    Come live with ME!!! I cannot wait to hear the reactions. You're gonna post them, right?

  • http://www.uncorkedv.com/ *uncorked

    I would totally live with you if I was still in FW. My fat ass would deter you from the brownie.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1620191204 facebook-1620191204

    Too funny, I'm a wine drinker (and other alcohol beverages too)…a LOT, but I'm extremely clean…making of the remake of “The Odd Couple” LOL, good luck on the roomie adventure.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1620191204 facebook-1620191204

    why am I a FB number…it's ME Alicia!!!!

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    I totally fit the bill perfectly for being you gay roommate… if only I were in DFW area, and gay, and a male. It's be PERRRFECT. Good luck to you!! :)
    PS, I know I'm so behind, but I just read your Biggest Loser fiasco and wanted to tell you how amazing the story was!! (I mean beyond being utterly frustrating and whatnot, the fact that you figured it all out for yourself and on your own (I'm talking more about the eating disorder) is really awesome and something to be proud of. Ok sappiness over. And done with inside the parenthesis).

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    I totally get you looking to Craigslist for help, but I have two words for you:
    CRAIGSLIST KILLER.

  • http://www.onesteptorecovery.com starzskymoon

    Please tell me you actually posted those.

  • http://vegetableassassin.blogspot.com/ Vegetable Assassin

    Dude, your car and my boyfriend's car are twins. I sneak out there sometimes and throw all that shit in a garbage bag and toss it in the dumpster because I can't bear the thought of all that trash lying around and I don't even have to sit in it! :)

    Also, you got it right. One MUST budget for booze and dvds otherwise what IS the point of life? Shit, there's been weeks I've had nothing in my fridge except a moldy carrot, some half empty condiments and a six pack of Corona.

  • lifeonahanger

    i'm super nervie about your car girl…..i'm an ocd clean freak. my best friend from college is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge slob, and once in college, she went to class, and i had spent the night, and when she came home her room was IMMACULATE. yeah, i'm kind of a pro!
    I have some hottie toddie guy friends in DFW I could set you up with…hmmm…..
    BUT FIRST SKIP, RUN, JUMP, LEAP over to my blog and be flattered because I holla'd at you TWICE and you better have listened to that song by now…….
    if i know of anyone in d-town looking for roomies, I'll let you know!

  • http://www.nikkidz.blogspot.com/ Nikki

    I'm totally showing my Husband this picture of your car so he stops harrassing me about the tissue paper I keep in the back seat.

    On the bright side…if you are a homeless person, you have more of a reason to look like one! Good luck Lady!

  • http://techparent42.blogspot.com The Technical Parent

    I love Craigslist. I have sold two cars through it, both in less than 30 minutes each. I also bought a brand new Nintendo Wii through it for $100, still sealed in its box. Sure, it was stolen, but what do I care? I got a Wii for $100.

  • shineoutloud

    You are HILARIOUS. If I ever need a Craig's List ad, I'm coming to you.

  • Pollypoptart

    Good luck with your search, C!!!

  • ambermurphy

    OMG! You stole my car.

  • http://momsaysthink.blogspot.com Adrienzgirl

    Carissa, I am just going to say this. Cause we’re friends and I love ya. And friends can tell each other anything right?

    Girlfriend….that is some nastiness up in yo’ vehicle! Clean that shiz! QUICK!

  • alissa75

    Good luck! I've never really founding anything actually useful on Craigslist myself, but lots of entertaining things.

  • kimwithak

    Hilarious! Craigslist is the place to be it seems.

  • http://30isthenew13.blogspot.com/ Sada

    …telling me that you have all the symptoms as I do when I think I’m dying so that I don’t think I’m going to die alone.

    Of all the hilariousness, I think that bit was my favorite. It's too bad I don't live in the DFW area either, as I am pretty handy with toilet repairs and shelf organization–though I don't have much stomach for the rom-coms.

  • http://www.TheConstantComplainer.com/ The Constant Complainer

    LOL. Be careful on there, girl. Some people swear by it, but I cautiously use it…

  • craiglistpostings99

    Ouch! That seems pretty bad :/ You are really going through a rough time, just hang in there and keep moving ahead, if there are bad times then the good time will be nearby. Good Luck!

  • craiglistpostings99

    Ouch! That seems pretty bad :/ You are really going through a rough time, just hang in there and keep moving ahead, if there are bad times then the good time will be nearby. Good Luck!

    Regards,
    craigslist posting service

  • craiglistpostings99

    Ouch! That seems pretty bad :/ You are really going through a rough time, just hang in there and keep moving ahead, if there are bad times then the good time will be nearby. Good Luck!

  • craiglistpostings99

    Ouch! That seems pretty bad :/ You are really going through a rough time, just hang in there and keep moving ahead, if there are bad times then the good time will be nearby. Good Luck!

    Regards,
    craigslist posting service