TMI Thursday: The time it got stuck (not what you’re thinking)

As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

Before I get started, there are a few thoughts I need to get off my chest (as if I didn’t do enough of that yesterday.) I skipped last week’s TMI post, not because I am out of awkward, embarrassing, situations to share with you- but due to the fact that I’ve been thinking a little bit about how much I’ve shared… or rather, over-shared in the past. I’ve said it a thousand times before, but for the most part-I don’t care much if people judge me for what I post here. It’s my life, these things have happened…. similar things have happened to everyone, (right?!?!) just not everyone is willing to share them with you. And maybe they are smarter for it.

I recently got into a conversation with one of my best guy friends about my blog. I rarely talk to my real life friends about what I post,  mostly because while I’m glad they are reading, I sometimes like to pretend that they don’t know all of my deepest thoughts and the crazy things I think about daily.  My friend told me that from a guy’s (his)  point of view-my TMI posts have sometimes gone a little too far… I’m not saying he is right, but seeing as though more than half of my readers come to my site from Facebook, (I don’t know who you are, only where you come from) and 99.5% of my Facebook friends are friends and family that I know in real life, I’m not always so sure I want these people reading about my periods and “accidents” and past hookups. Not that it really matters what I want, if they want to- it’s out there. But still, it’s just something that I’ve been pondering ever since I went public with my blog. On the other hand though, I love reading other people’s stories… and I’m a very open person, so chances are I would tell you these things in person anyway.

Anyway, it’s just something I have been thinking about… but not enough to quit these oh-so-fun posts altogether, because who am I? Yeah, I thought so. But I do apologize if I have offended you in any way, and if that’s the case… then don’t read it!

______

So today’s post IS actually one of the periodo category, but an innocent one. But still quite embarrassing.

Fella’s, feel free to make your exit now  if this makes you uncomfortable. Or anyone else for that matter.  (I wouldn’t like John Cusack reading this after all.)

You may rememeber the traumatic experience that I had when I first started at a very young age. If you don’t feel like clicking and reading (you lazy ass) I’ll give you the short version.

Basically, I started the summer that I turned 10 while I was on vacation visiting family. By myself. I had no idea what a period was, and I basically thought that I was dying from some kind of weird cancer that made me poo out the wrong hole. It was terrifying, really.

So a few years later when I was going into the 8th grade, I was still quite innocent about the  whole “woman-hood” experience. I was really getting into dance and had just made the cheer leading squad.

All of you ladies know that pads are just the devil, especially when it comes to any kind of physical activity. Plus they are just gross. Who wants to sit around on their junk all day? Anyways, I won’t get into that now, but at the time I was still (like most young girls) in the pad-stage.

Because I was having to wear tights and a leotard to my dance classes and bloomers with my cheer leading uniform, my mother decided it was time to grad-ee-ate to ye ole tampon. Another notion that to a 12 year old, was really just too much to take in. I remember sitting there, reading the instructions on the back of the box, not being able to fathom actually conquering the task.

After a few failed attempts at insertion, I finally had to ask my mom for assistance. After some detailed instruction and a few more failed attempts, the task was finally done.

Some may say that you become a woman when you start your period, I think it is really when you put in your first tampon. HURRAHHH!! I was a proud woman.

For a few hours, that is.

After a few uncomfortable hours, it was inevitably time to take it out, and attempt the whole procedure again… this time with hopes that I could actually do it with ease.  So I went into the bathroom with my confidence in store. I found the little stringy thing and gave it a tug.

Nothing.

I tried again.

Wouldn’t come out.

You know that feeling you get when you walk out on the alligator pier at the zoo and you stick your head between the gates to get a better look at the alligators and then your head gets stuck in between the bars, and you are for sure you are going to get eaten as an afternoon snack???

Well I do. And it’s scary. This wasn’t quite as scary, but it was still up there.

To make a long story short, I cried once again to my mother, (my poor mom) who (I will spare you the details) basically had to remove it for me. And it wasn’t an easy task.

We knew something wasn’t right with the situation, so a few days later my 12 year old self had my very first appointment with the gyno. Not. Fun.

I still remember that appointment as being one of the most uncomfortable hours of my life, and I partially blame that day on my fear of doctors. Sooooo… he (yes, he) checked out the lady bits, and afterward called my mother and I into his office for a meeting. I was as nervous as a fat girl waiting to be picked for the kickball team, and I unfortunately  know this feeling from experience too.

“Well, it seems that since she started her period so early, the um, hole, was not completely developed.”

What????

“Yes, when it is time for a girl to start her menstrual cycle, the skin over the hole falls off, hers only partially fell off- which has made it impossible to wear tampons.”

(I’m sure he said this all in a way more “doctor-ly” manner, but this is how I remember it, sue me.)

WHATTTTTT?

At this point he drew me a little diagram of a circle with a line straight through the middle of it. “This is what yours looks like.” He then drew a circle without a line through it. “This is what it is supposed to look like.

This confirmed what I knew to be true since I was 2 and had to start wearing an eye-patch for my lazy eye.

I was a freak of nature.

“It’s really not that big of a deal, but she won’t be able to… “have babies” unless she undergoes surgery.”

So now, I was not only a freak, but I also wouldn’t be able to have babies??? I may have only been 12, but I thought that babies might, maybe, perhaps-ly be something I might at least want to think about in the future. I went into panic mode as my mom set up the appointment for my surgery. I didn’t say another word until I was safe in the passenger seat of my mother’s car.

I started sobbing. “So… I might not be able to have babies??” This was all too much for my little brain to handle.

My mom, once again, had to set me straight. “It’s not so much that you wouldn’t be able to have babies, but one day you may want to do the act that you do in order to make babies. And yes, you will need to have the surgery in order to do that.

Oh.

I ended up going through with the surgery on my hoo-hoo, which I really don’t remember… Except for the fact that after I came to, many of my family members came to visit me and I was quite embarrassed that they all knew exactly why I was in the hospital. I also made the mistake of telling my best friends at school, who told their friends… so when I returned a few days later walking funny, I’m pretty sure everyone knew why.

Awesome.

So yeah. I have that.

Share

Related posts:

  1. The Final TMI Thursday: I Bait My Own Hook (In-ur-endo) (That’s what she said)
  2. TMI Thursday: Squat Got Copped
  3. TMI Thursday: A few of my hated things
  4. TMI Thursday: Thank God for friends, to hell with enemas!
  5. TMI Thursday: Email roast style. In which people hump weird shiz.
  • Pollypoptart

    Oh dear – that would indeed be an embarrassing reason to be in hospital – and have everyone know about it!

    I think I had my period for about three months before I actually realised that's what it was. Which was a bit dumb of me, considering I was thirteen and knew I was due it!

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    I can't fathom the trauma you experienced at such a young age! You poor kid! I would've needed therapy. And I wouldn't have left the house until I could walk right either.

    I feel terrible that you had to suffer that. Really.

  • http://techparent42.blogspot.com The Technical Parent

    You know, I've sat through and watched two emergency c-sections, but for some reason that made me queasy. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten breakfast. Not sure that I'll be able to do that now.

    So, what do I say here now? Umm…congrats? ;^)

  • moooooog35

    LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA LA NOT READING THIS LA LA LA LA

  • http://www.lifeofanewlywife.blogspot.com/ Tara

    Oh gosh! Your poor little 12 year old self.

    And yes- pads were awful!

  • edadams

    WOW.

    That sucks.

    Hope all is better now.

  • Pingback: TMI Thursday: I Think the Cloud Was Cumulus | Livit, Luvit()

  • debbie_suburbsanity

    I am so feeling for your poor 12 year old self! That is waaaaay too much to handle at that age.
    Came over from SITS.

  • http://www.onewaydown.com Mary

    Oh my dear lord…I didn't even know that was possible! Vagina surgery? No fun!

  • http://thinkinfyou.wordpress.com/ thinkinfyou

    OUCH! I don't know who I feel more sorry for,you or your vagina!

  • http://www.nikkidz.blogspot.com/ Nikki

    Couldn't you just…have sex? Wouldn't that make it all better? We are kindred spirits for sure. Although I didn't have surgery on my hoo ha…I had a lazy eye and went through the whole pad/tampon in your leo experience. And, one when I was about 13 I had to go to the gyno for other reasons that have to do with “baking” and my Grandparents were visiting. Of course they were worried and wanted to know why I had to go to the dr. Yea. I wasn't very comfortable with my Grandpa knowing that stuff. I feel for you.

    In other news. Share away dear! We've all had those experiences and we like to hear that we're normal (okay semi normal) too!

  • http://lifeintheleftlane.wordpress.com/ Bing

    Oh that is horrible, especially when you are 12. I know someone else who had to have that same surgery and the doctor told her “it's like elephant skin down there and no man is getting through that unless you have it removed.” Needless to say, the surgery was had.

    Also, I would be mortified if my entire family came by to visit. That is so NOT cool!

  • http://www.thatstangly.com/ Candice

    Whooooa! I've never heard of such a thing, that sounds awful. Poor gal. The whole gyno thing is uncomfortable any age, never mind being 12. Geeeeez! But at least you can have sex now, YAY!

  • lifeonahanger

    oh lord, i just simultaneously laughed out loud and cringed in pain. like a lot of pain. OW.

    tampons scared the crap outta me for the LONGEST time….ugh

  • http://shamrock-on.blogspot.com/ Jeney

    Ohhhhh man that sucks.

    I never would have been able to face my friends or family after that. I was waaaay too awkward and self conscious as a child. Kudos to you for not needing therapy after that!

  • leethehotflashqueen

    I could not even imagine…seriously…I had no idea there was some kind of hole opening or whatever…who knew??

  • http://jmb1980.blogspot.com/ Just Another Momma

    awwwww, that would have been horrible . . . :( for you and your mom.

  • http://www.spleeness.com spleeness

    omg!!

    I'm sitting here with my jaw on the floor and tears streaming down my cheeks, both horrified and lmao.

    You are my newest favorite blogger!!

  • http://lucyslifeinsuburbworld.blogspot.com/ Lucy

    You had the ultimate nightmare, omg. Every girl's fear, the tampon getting stuck, you poor thing. I am totally running out of TMI Thursday posts. My children read my blog and there are things I just won't share with them EVER!!!

    In addition, somethings are more humiliating at diffierent times for different reasons, so I think the humiliating stories may not resonating with everyone but what is humiliating or was a humiliating experience at one time well, is hard to share or go over again and I think it is rude when someone says, ” that isn't humiliating” Who is the judge of another person's threshold. Gee, didn't mean to rant on your blog!

  • badassgeek

    Wow. I had never heard of that happening. That would be quite frightening.

  • http://cathyhasantsypants.blogspot.com Antsy Pants

    This is crazy. There's skin over the hole? And it falls off?

    The day I got my period I was supposed to go to ballet class after school. Luckily my instructors husband was a doctor so I wasn't embarrased to tell her why I wouldn't be coming to class.

    The first time I put in a tampon I just used one of my moms….it was a super plus, probably not the best one to start with.

    Enough about me, I have a friend with 2 uteruses(sp?) uteri? Anyway she's pregnant with her second kid in the same uterus that she was pregnant with her first kid. I don't know why I told you, I just wanted to stop talking about tampons.

  • ambermurphy

    I had to have out-patient surgery on my own who-ha. It was only a couple of years ago (for pre-cancerous cells.)

    I thought it was pretty embarrassing then – and I was 26, so I can NOT even imagine the horror you must have gone through dealing with that as a teen!

    :( But I'm glad it's all better now. :)

  • http://30isthenew13.blogspot.com/ Sada

    I vote that having your girl-bits cut up should rank higher on the trauma scale than the eyepatch. All in favor say yea?

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com Kirsten

    hahaha I had a similar first use with a tampon..getting it in that is.. luckily my body let me pull it out. Wow, surgery. That is rough!

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Oh! My heart…..it's breaking for the little-Carissa! You poor thang! What a terrible time you had…becoming a wo-man…..you learned a hard lesson early.

    We get hit with all the shit.

    I'm glad your mom took care of it right away, instead of having it hanging over your head. Yikes….

  • hiphophippie

    Dooooood, awful!!! So traumatic!!! I'm backing cookies for your 12 year old girl. :) :) :)

  • EricHouston

    Just another bullet to add to my list of why I'm glad I came out with a penis.

  • http://www.therapyiseffinexpensive.com Zan

    Aw, you poor thing! How mortifying! *hugs* It was bad enough you started at 10 (!) but then you had to have SURGERY to open your hoo-hoo? Lord forgive me when I whine!

  • http://www.ftcs.wordpress.com/ Clevelandpoet

    damn you women for being able to handle things I'd probably never be able to. I will say I hope John Cusack (haha sack sorry) reads this it'll just bring you closer when your his girlfriend. Look at it this way most women now would love to have a doctor make them walk funny or at least marry them…what exactly is wrong with me?

  • Shy_and_innocent

    Oh god, poor girl.
    I have a slightly more embarassing reason to have been in a hospital though.
    So I'd had my appendix removed. A few days after that my stomach started to hurt again. Until it got so bad I threw up and cried out of pain like I hadn't done in years. My parents gave me a ride to the ER, I almost passed out walking in because I was in such pain. We thought I might have gotten an infection from the surgery. The doctor x-rayed me and he saw in my intestines… shit. I was so constipated because my digestion had been off after the surgery, that I had to go to the hospital.
    And then my friends visited me and I had to tell them why I had to go to the hospital.
    One advise though: If you ever get into the situation, choose the clyster over the laxatives they give you in the hospital. The outcome is pretty much the same, but those laxatives will make you wanna vomit by just smeling them.

  • http://littleinsomniaclolita.blogspot.com Andhari

    Oh my god, I would've died of shame in front of the doctor. Poor you. I didn't start wearing tampons until the first year of college, which is sad :p

  • http://hijinksgalore.blogspot.com/ Princess Pointful

    Man, it sometimes freaks me out that we have to deal with such realities at a young age. 12 is just a kid… I can't imagine even having to think about my fertility/childbearing at such a young age. I was just freaked out by the fact that I could biological have children to begin with!

  • http://www.ambarsthoughts.com/ Ambar

    jajajajajaja WOW!! and awwwww poor thing, to have to go through all of that crap at 12.

  • http://vegetableassassin.blogspot.com/ Vegetable Assassin

    Holy shit, girl. That must have been excruciatingly embarrassing for a child! I remember when I started – I was 12 and the pad was the size of a small condo in Miami and we had to wear short shorts in gym. That was no fun. It was like walking with a brick in your underwear. None of those slim little slips of things you get nowadays. And I was way too terrified to deal with tampons and putting things UP THERE. ICK!

    You know, to this day I really detest pulling those suckers out. It just creeps me out for some reason. It's like playing tug of war with my own 'mary'.

  • http://www.ambarsthoughts.com/ Ambar

    jajajajajaja WOW!! and awwwww poor thing, to have to go through all of that crap at 12.

  • http://vegetableassassin.blogspot.com/ Vegetable Assassin

    Holy shit, girl. That must have been excruciatingly embarrassing for a child! I remember when I started – I was 12 and the pad was the size of a small condo in Miami and we had to wear short shorts in gym. That was no fun. It was like walking with a brick in your underwear. None of those slim little slips of things you get nowadays. And I was way too terrified to deal with tampons and putting things UP THERE. ICK!

    You know, to this day I really detest pulling those suckers out. It just creeps me out for some reason. It's like playing tug of war with my own 'mary'.