TMI Thursday: Squat Got Copped


As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

As I sit here writing, I am actually extremely close to having a TMI experience. My stomach is churning. I’m not sure if it’s because of the antibiotics I’m currently on, or because of the nearly 2 cups of peanut butter I spread over celery sticks last night in an effort to wain my sweet/carb tooth. Or it could be the gigantic bowl of beans I just ate. It’s most likely a combination of all of the above.

Refraining from eating carbs and drinking wine this week has resulted in my overindulging in protein in a not so healthy way. I’m not sure if this lifestyle is any better.

But that’s not my story. I’m gonna try to keep this short, because I may have an episode of emergencias de frijoles one way or the other in the near future. EEEEEK.

This particular tale occurred once again back in my days o’ college, or back when I was a still drinking. Which if you’re paying attention, was anytime before this Monday.

My friends and I were out in our college town, having our typical college night full of chugging nickle-natties and blasters. (Blaster= Fry St. code for Jager Bomb.)

I started out the night in typical “Hurricane Carissa” fashion- by dinging my best friend LA’s brand new (I mean within the first week brand new) car door against another car. She was a little peeved, but after the first few drinks and a few rants, she let it go.

On this particular night, we (read: I) were particularly boozed up. We made our way around all the bars and shortly before they closed at 2am, we decided it was time to call it a night. LA was playing designated driver for the night, mostly because she wanted a chance to drive us around in her new ride, but also because after the first bar it was apparent that neither I, or our other friend KT would be able to do the job.

Before we had even gotten to the parking lot, I made a loud announcement… “I have to pee.”

KT and I lived only a few blocks away, so they both quickly waved away my announcement and continued towards the parked car. Just as we were arriving at LA’s new car, KT’s ex-boyfriend spotted her in the parking lot. The details are blurry, but I do know that a heated argument started up between my friends and her ex’s group of friends. I stood a little behind the group, trying not to fall over as I looked longingly over my shoulder at the bars across the street, where I knew I could find a toilet street to squat over.

At some point during their argument, a couple of cops approached our group and started asking questions. Knowing I was not in a particularly good state of mind, and also that I didn’t have the best luck with the fuzz, LA sternly told me to go and get in the back seat of the car and to stay put.

“But I really have to go to the bathroom! Can’t I just run into one of the bars real quick,” I slurred. Or something to that effect.

“Absolutely not. Go and get into the car,” LA told me again as she pushed the clicker thing to unlock the door. “And do not get out of the car, no matter what.”

It all seemed a little dramatic, but at that point, I knew that my friend probably had better judgment than I, so I decided to follow her orders.

I got into the back seat of LA’s new car and settled in. I kept myself low in the seat as to not call attention to myself. The last thing I needed was to be interrogated. After about 5 minutes of waiting, I started to get a little restless… and my level of having to pee reallllly started escalating. I remember looking  out the back window and saw that the cops were now making my friends do the standard drunk tests. Walking the line and what not. Or at least that is how I remember it.

I contemplated getting out of the car and running to the nearest bar to relieve myself, but I knew that probably wouldn’t end well, so I ultimately decided to stay put for the time being. At this point I was going between squirming unrelentingly, and literally holding my crotchal area, trying to keep it in.

After about 5 more minutes I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had no choice. It was either pee now, or pee now. There was no longer the option of forever holding my pee.

My options were limited. I couldn’t run for a bar, I would surely be stopped en-route. I couldn’t get out and pop a squat, that would surely end with a public urination ticket, though at this point I hardly cared.

I crawled up into the front seat and started rummaging around.

AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH (heaven sound effect)

There it was, sitting in the cup holder… glowing in the dim light of the parking lot.

A 32oz wide-lip bottle of Lemon-Lime Gatorade.

I could do this.

I carefully unzipped my pants and pulled them off where they settled on the floorboard of LA’s new car. I put both feet up on the back seat, and shuffled then out until I was in frog squat position. I positioned myself so that my face was away from my group of friends, who were still talking to the cops.

And then I positioned the bottle.

Just as I was relaxing into my squat and gearing up to make careful aim, I heard a loud bang from behind me that caused me to lose my footing. Luckily, I hadn’t yet completely relaxed my urinal muscles.

I turned to see a cop shining his light through the window, where only seconds before my bare-behind had been. I quickly pulled my pants back on and hung my head in shame as I opened the back door.

The cop grabbed me by my arm and asked if I had managed to “do anything.” I told him that I hadn’t, and that I still really had to go. I think he must have felt bad for me, because at that point he swiftly drug me over to my friends, looked at LA and said “I’m not even gonna tell you what she almost just did in your car, but yall need to get her to a restroom.”

Everyone was so relieved that they were finally able to leave that no one even mentioned what the cop had said about me. We quickly left, and LA drove us home where I was finally able to pee.

We all lived happily ever after.

Until a few months later when LA was telling the story about the cops in the parking lot to another one of our friends. It was all fun and laughs until she got to the end. She stopped abruptly and looked at me with fire in her eyes.

“What DID you almost do in my brand new car????”

Oopsie. But you know what? It was not as bad as it coulda been.

-John Cusack’s girlfriend.

If you missed my vlog a few weeks ago where a tell a story in which I wasn’t so lucky, check it out here.

______

I posted this yesterday, but not many people responded so I’m posting it again.  I’m stubborn like that!!!

I’ve been thinking a little bit about the future of my blog. I’m  close to 200 posts and will hit my 6 month bloggaversary in a few weeks, and I want to try something a little different. I have often been told that I have a story for pretty much every subject (that’s just my life) so I think in order to get me writing about things other than John Cusack, I would like to ask you to do a little blog assignment.  I give you dear readers, the task of asking me any questions you want to know about little ole me (and I will answer with complete honesty unless you’re a dick) , stories you would like to hear extended versions of (My 100 things post might give you some ideas,) or any other subject matter that you would like to know my opinion on (or a poem about)…. and if I don’t have an opinion on the matter, I’ll get one!!! Just send an email to me at carissajade@gmail.com, tweet me, or pop it off my comments. Thanks and I love you guys!

I also plan on doing a giveaway in the next few weeks, so keep your eyes open. I promise I won’t be giving away one of my decoupage art pieces. Unless you want one I could decoupage something of your request.

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  2. TMI Thursday: Everything comes down to poo (not mine)
  3. TMI Thursday: Thank God for friends, to hell with enemas!
  4. TMI Thursday: Barf-o-rama
  5. TMI Thursday: My P-phone and how I lost it
  • http://rdingcats2.blogspot.com/ Herding Cats

    Okay, two things:

    1. This story is awesome! I think you and I would have been serious drinking buddies in college.

    2. You lost 112 pounds?! I want to know how! That's so wonderful – good for you girl!

  • Pollypoptart

    Hahahaha! I'm impressed you were able to even CONTEMPLATE peeing in a car – I am physically incapable of peeing in anything but a toilet!

  • lifeonahanger

    um holy shit, I died laughing…Once in college, my exbf (then bf) came to visit me and there was this building that “everyone” would go hook up on the roof of. I happened to have like a million classes there and knew how to get to the roof. I got particularly sloshed that night and decided we needed to go hook up “on the roof”…..as soon as we got up there I was like “umm…it's frickin freezing mr. bigglesworth” and my bf was all “oh, but I thought I was gonna score” and I was all like, “actually….I need to tinkle”…so I did…on the rooof. So I broke the mold, instead of getting some ass on the building…I exposed mine and tinkled…magical I know….

    Hmm…as for a question for you…ever peed in your pants/your bed after drinking???

  • http://lorablogs.blogspot.com/ lora

    That's hilarious!
    Visiting from SITS…and still giggling!

  • edadams

    That cop could have been much worse.

    Of course, he was probably worried that you would just pee on his shoes if he made you wait to long.

  • ambermurphy

    I loved the way you told this story. I mean, it's funny in and of itself, but it's the way you told it that really had me busting my gut. I can just picture you facing the rear of the car, sitting in the console, putting your feet on the on the backseat and squirming until you could do the frog-squat-crouch.

  • lifeofmb

    OMG, this is great. I love the cop's reaction.

  • http://techparent42.blogspot.com The Technical Parent

    1) That's a good one. Glad you didn't get ticketed.

    2) Don't cut out carbs! Especially if you're exercising. First, eat protein, then eat carbs; they increase your blood glucose and cause an insulin spike to make nutrients reach your muscles faster so they can repair. (I have a secondary blog for my own fitness experiment, The 365 Day Get Fit Experiment, if you're interested. I touched on this topic last night, actually).

    3) If you can talk about it, I'd like to hear more about “The Biggest Loser” sequestering. Mostly because we watch the show and we think something is always faked.

  • Pingback: TMI Thursday: Sharing is Caring… Albeit a Little “Rocky” | Livit, Luvit()

  • adrienzgirl

    I can't believe you didn't piss all over that car when the cop hit the window! OMG! Too funny!

  • http://megsrantsandramblings.blogspot.com/ meg

    bwahahaha, that is hilarious! oh man, there is no way I would be able to aim into a bottle while sitting in the back of a car intoxicated…I'm impressed that you were going to try! alsooo, good title!

  • http://hillbillyduhn.blogspot.com/ hillbillyduhn

    LOL! You were busted.

    Gosh, guess I'll have to think of some questions to ask you…

  • http://matthewjenks.blogspot.com/ Matt_J

    Being the caring and compassionate drinking buddy that I am, I always made amends for the ladies in the group(s) that needed to use the facilities before we went to another site. I mean, I'm genetically engineered to whip it out and toss a wizz wherever I need. That doesn't mean I need to make others wait just because.

  • http://www.nikkidz.blogspot.com/ Nikki

    bahaha! My Mom did the same thing in her water bottle when we were trying to find a parking spot at the state fair. I remember my 7 year old self sitting in the mini van wondering what she was doing. The TMI in that is that she took the bottle home and boiled it to steralize it. Wouldn't doubt that she still has it!

    Thank god it was a “wide mouth” gatorade bottle 😉

  • hiphophippie

    Ohhhhh daaaaaaaaamn!!! That is priceless!!!!!!!! Hey, when you gotta go you gotta go! I love this line, “It was either pee now or pee now,” hahaha!

    Hmm, as for idea to blog about…what about walking us through a day in your life, both on a weekday and on a weekend. I'm sure that sounds mundane to you, but we would like to know! :)

    Also, it's almost my 6 mo. blogoversary too! End of January!

  • kendall_A

    That was lucky he felt bad for you. This is part of why I don't get drunk when I'm not at home/at someone else's. That and I make bad decisions.

    The most pressing thing I want to ask is for this recreational tazing story. Details please.

  • http://www.bellabroccoli.wordpress.com/ Meghan

    Haaaahhahahaha I'm dying at 9:45 AM. Thanks love! This is one of my favs, but the wide mouth gatorade detail hadn't made it in before- classic!

    http://www.bellabroccoli.wordpress.com

  • bramchar

    This post proves one of my pet theories, that no matter the obstacle put in front of a drunk they will find a way to solve it. (not that I have any experience with drinking or anything….)
    Thanks for the TMIs!

  • clevelandpoet

    the more I read here the more I adore you.

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com Kirsten

    hahaha I laughed out loud. I thought that when the cop knocked on the window you were going to miss your target and spray the car. Luckily that did not happen.

    74. At the age of 11, my life-long dream of meeting Jonathon Taylor Thomas was fulfilled.

    TELL THAT STORY. I would have said the tell the NSYNC story where Joey wanted to see your boobs but then it said he was just kidding :( He probably wasn't though..

  • tobra

    If I ever get a chance to hang out with you and LA, I'm never riding in her car. It seems to be your toilet!

  • shellthings

    That was hilarious! I was thinking that you were going to pee right on her seat!

  • http://livitluvit.com/ LiLu

    Yayyyyyyyy, your site's working again! Phew.

    And also, at least you made it… the sight of the cops probably would have made ME pee my pants.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1788392286 facebook-1788392286

    I blogged about you and new years resolutions today, Car!

    http://www.bellabroccoli.wordpress.com

  • http://www.onesteptorecovery.com starzskymoon

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • lacochran

    You mooned a cop! LOVE it! But, then, I'm not the LA who's car you almost ruined. :)

  • Lralln9

    After reading this, I’m a little worried about all of the “toilet” stories we have. I also am a little worried about about my car. I think you owe it a detail…

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    I have successfully peed into a water bottle (NOT a wide opening either) while in the drive through line of Taco Cabana. Just FYI.

    I want to know about when/how/with who you lost your virginity! Muahahah

  • http://jmb1980.blogspot.com/ Just Another Momma

    Love it!!!! That's a great TMI.

  • ktcotton

    I had totally forgotten about this magical night… Stupid ex-bf, he often bugged me! Despites LA's designated driver status that night she was far from sober, but she and I passed those drunk tests with flying colors :)
    The best was definitely the look on that police officers face when he handed you over to us after finding you almost peeing into a bottle! I still can't believe we didn't get in trouble that night… Gotta love Fry St. memories :)

  • http://www.thatstangly.com/ Candice

    Bahahhaaha! I can't believe the cop let you get away with it. Awesome. Last night I went to a movie and had some beers beforehand, and pretty much had to pee right from the previews. TORTURE.

  • CarissaJaded

    Thanks girl!!

  • CarissaJaded

    hahaha i love that story!!!

    I am gonna answer your qustion soon too!! Thanks!

  • CarissaJaded

    Thanks girl!!

  • CarissaJaded

    hahaha i love that story!!!

    I am gonna answer your qustion soon too!! Thanks!