I usually write here just for fun… To hopefully induce a few laughs, and if nothing else, to amuse myself.
Every once in a while though, I start to feel the angst building up in my soul and I know that putting it down on computer is the only way I can self-therapatize. (it’s a word in my head, for my head.) I used to use a paper journal for these kind of thoughts, but I kept leaving it places and that lead to more embarrassment than I care to deal with these days. When I’m feeling this way, I usually type out a few emo-induced paragraphs and then erase it later when my mind is clear. I’m not quite sure where this is going so there is a good chance that could happen today.
I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. Really it’s probably been more like months, but I only let myself really work through this stuff every so often. I should probably get a therapist or a hamster to talk to or something so it doesn’t even happen even this often.
A lot has changed for me in the last year. I was recently thinking of what I was doing last year at this time, the way I was feeling… and it nearly made my brain spontaneously combust.
From the outside, maybe not much has changed. I still have most of the same friends, hang out at most of the same places, and I still have the same job. I still wake up questioning my decisions and the paths that I’ve chosen to take at this point in my life. I still get angry that some aspects in my life aren’t going the way that I would like. And I still don’t know where I’m headed.
But the more I think about it, I know that the past year has been a year of growth for me.
I’ve overcome some internal battles and come to terms with major changes in my life. I am learning to live a healthy life and to work through things in healthy way. I’m learning to choose my battles and to let things go. I know that I’ll always be a people pleaser, but sometimes it’s hard enough just to please myself, and that’s ok.
I cried a lot, but I laughed a lot too. I pretty much wear my emotions as a “kick me” sign on my back, and last year I took quite a few blows.
My family dynamic has changed. Relationships have changed. Friendships have changed.
I have changed.
What really surprises me is how so many of these things have worked themselves out without me even realizing it. Things that, just six months ago I thought would plague me forever, have not completely disappeared…but I have somehow come to be at peace with them.
I thought these were all things that I would have to really work at, and in some respect, I do… but for the most part this peace has come without effort.
Whenever people say “you learn from you mistakes,” it has always sort of gone in one ear and out the other.
I think I finally get it, though I’m not sure there even are mistakes.
I have learned from every experience, both happy and painful. Situations rarely turn out the way I intend or envision, and I’m learning that that’s ok.
I’ve shed some skin and I’m ready to keep on keepin on.
Even though I may not always take the right road, I know that eventually I’ll get there. And when I finally do- I’ll be a little smarter, a little tougher, and a much much better person.
(All the while with John Cusack by my side)