This should probably just be titled “Dear Diary”

I usually write here just for fun… To hopefully induce a few laughs, and if nothing else,  to amuse myself.

Every once in a while though, I start to feel the angst building up in my soul and I know that putting it down on computer is the only way I can self-therapatize. (it’s a word in my head, for my head.) I used to use a paper journal for these kind of thoughts, but I kept leaving it places and that lead to more embarrassment than I  care to deal with these days. When I’m feeling this way, I usually type out a few emo-induced paragraphs and then erase it later when my mind is clear.  I’m not quite sure where this is going so there is a good chance that could happen today.

I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. Really it’s probably been more like months, but I only let myself really work through this stuff every so often. I should probably get a therapist or a hamster to talk to or something so it doesn’t even happen even  this often.

Forrest Path
Image by maaniemi via Flickr

A lot has changed for me in the last year. I was  recently thinking of what I was doing last year at this time, the way I was feeling… and it nearly made my brain spontaneously combust.

From the outside, maybe not much has changed. I still have most of the same friends, hang out at most of the same places, and I still have the same job. I still wake up questioning my decisions and the paths that I’ve chosen to take at this point in my life. I still get angry that some aspects in my life aren’t going the way that I would like. And I still don’t know where I’m headed.

But the more I think about it, I know that the past year has been a year of growth for me.

I’ve overcome some internal battles and come to terms with major changes in my life. I am learning to live a healthy life and to work through things in healthy way. I’m learning to choose my battles and to let things go. I know that I’ll always be a people pleaser, but sometimes it’s hard enough just to please myself, and that’s ok.

I cried a lot, but I laughed a lot too. I pretty much wear my emotions as a “kick me” sign on my back, and last year I took quite a few blows.

My family dynamic has changed. Relationships have changed. Friendships have changed.

I have changed.

What really surprises me is how so many of these things have worked themselves out without me even realizing it. Things that, just six months ago I thought  would plague me forever, have not completely disappeared…but I have somehow come to be at peace with them.

I thought these were all things that I would have to really work at, and in some respect, I do… but  for the most part this peace has come without effort.

Whenever people say “you learn from you mistakes,” it has always sort of gone in one ear and out the other.

I think I finally get it, though I’m not sure there even are mistakes.

I have learned from every experience, both happy and painful.  Situations rarely turn out the way I  intend or envision, and I’m learning that that’s ok.

I’ve shed some skin and I’m ready to keep on keepin on.

Even though I may not always take the right road, I know that eventually I’ll get there. And when I finally do- I’ll be a little smarter, a little tougher, and a much much better person.

(All the while with John Cusack by my side)

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  • http://rdingcats2.blogspot.com/ Herding Cats

    Man you sound like me! I was just thinking about how much I've changed this year. I've grown away from some of my friendships and redefined new ones, but it's all been in my best interest. Sigh, the life of a 20-something huh?

  • http://www.nikkidz.blogspot.com/ Nikki

    Growing up truly sucks. But I wouldn't take anything back because it's shaped who I am today. Okay maybe a few things. Yep definitely that one… I wish I could have had all the knowledge of myself I have today, 10 years ago. Keep your chin up, go on new adventures, do things you wouldn't normally do (with in reason dear ;). I think this is going to be an awesome year for you. Wait…let me think…yep! It will be.

  • hiphophippie

    AWWWWWWWWesome!!!! You're truly incredible. Keep on rockin' the shit out of life!

  • http://shamrock-on.blogspot.com/ Jeney

    “What really surprises me is how so many of these things have worked themselves out without me even realizing it.”

    You know, my grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever received in my life. “You know, Jeney. Things always work out. They may not work out the way you wanted them to or they way you planned… but damnit, they work out.”

    Hang in there, girl. Life is one crazy ride; just keep leaning with the turns. Things will always work out, even if it isn't the way you thought they would.

    (…damnit!)

  • lifeonahanger

    amen sista. And, plus, with JC on your side, anything is possible!

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    This was so well-said. Congrats on growing so much this past year! I feel that people spend so much time worrying about certain outcomes, or how they can control situations… they lose the meaning of the journey as a whole. We've never met personally, but I'm super proud of you.

  • http://watchoutworldimatwentysomething.blogspot.com/ JustMe

    If you can continue to see how much the Universe is working FOR you, then you're one of the lucky ones. Change can always be good. :)

  • Awood

    Well said! 2009 was a pretty tumultuous year for me. My Dad kept telling me that “the destination isn't what matters most…it's the journey to the destination that makes life worth living!” I've been buying into that more and more each day. 2010 should be the year to relax and enjoy the ride!

  • Pollypoptart

    Weirdly enough, I came to a similar conclusion myself recently – but I don't have a boyfriend as awesome as yours. (If you get tired of JC, can I have him please???)

  • leethehotflashqueen

    I think that was my all time favorite post that you have ever written. Eloquent.

  • http://lifeintheleftlane.wordpress.com/ Bing

    It's great to realize how much you can personally change and grow in a year.

    “Even though I may not always take the right road, I know that eventually I’ll get there. And when I finally do- I’ll be a little smarter, a little tougher, and a much much better person.” <–I can't agree with you more. Plus sometimes it's more fun to knowingly take the wrong road!

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Well….uh, YEAH….of course John Cusack will be at your side…

    Sounds like you've done a lot of soul-searching lately…and it also sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself, too….

    Life is an ever-changing ride, sweetie. Nevah say nevah….anything is possible.
    And what's right for someone else may not be the right path for you!

  • ThePeachTart

    It's nice to reflect on the past year and be able to see the growth. Good for you.

  • badassgeek

    Like you said, things rarely work out the way we want them to. When we look back at it, though, we are more or less satisfied with the way it all turned out.

  • ambermurphy

    ha – i remember those days of getting it all out on paper… and then my sister finding it. definitely more humiliating than the whole blog world reading my deepest darkest. :)

  • http://andreadisaster.com/ Andrea

    Well, John Cusack should always stick around. Good luck with everything that comes.

  • http://www.thatstangly.com/ Candice

    I'm reminded again about how we're soulmates, as I do the EXACT same thing (writing down paragraphs and then deleting them) and I was going to write an emo post earlier but then changed my mind. Anyway, yes, it's funny how pieces of the universe all fall together, isn't it? Always be proud of what you do…you're awesome!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Thanks Candice!! I love you girl!!! You always make me feel bettah

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Yes. HE. Should.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Oh yeah…. never again the paper journals. The worst was when i dated a deaf guy and i used my journal (which was in my purse) to write things to him. I accidentally left it there, and when i realized it i went back to ring the doorbell to get it… he was already reading away!! NEVER. AGAIN>

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    It seems that it is that way, surprisingly enough! I never really got that until recently…

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Thank ya maam!!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I will take that advice, nevah say nevah!!! Loves it!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    It is… oh the wrong road sometimes leads to the BEST roads!!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Thank you Lee!!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I think google has figured me out… I suppose you can have him part-time!

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com Kirsten

    This wasn't angsty at all but so well written! It is weird how things just work themselves out like that and things fall into place. It is much nicer than worrying about them!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Ahhh yeah. I think Aeroesmith said it best… “Lifes the jouney, not the destination.” But your dad didn't have to go all druggy on everyone and quit the band.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I hope so!!! Love you girl!! You're on of the ones who inspires me to put these “feelings” driven posts out there!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I do still tend to worry, I just don't realize that one day I stop without realizing it!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Sighhhh this is true.. I'm glad you can relate!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I sure hope so!! Love you Nikki!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Thanks Buffy!!!! You are awesome right back. I always leave your page feeling I've learned something!! Even if my learned-ness has something to do with Paris Hilton. But seriously, your blog is my newest obsession!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I think you and your grandad are correct…. or I really hope so!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Thanks Sherri!! I know that I am at fault for trying to control situations… but it is something that I am reallllllly working on! We really should meet one day!!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Your right. JC does make it all possible!!

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  • lralln9

    Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

  • lralln9

    Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.