Decisions, Decisions


Yeah… I don’t do them well.

I know I posted the other day about how I truly believe there are no mistakes… and I still believe that. I really do.

But that being said- when it comes to choosing between one thing or another, or whether or not to do something, or even thinking about the fact that I have a choice in the matter… sometimes I  feel like I suck big, hairy, man tits.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Although I have licked one before on a dare. Or under the influence of alcohol… I can’t remember.

I’m pretty sure I spend half of my life debating in my brain whether or not I should do something. When I finally decide what I will do, then starts the debate as to how I should go about it. And then once I finally do the thing in question, I analyze for hours as to whether or not I made the right decision. And then I analyze what other people might be thinking of my decision. And whether or not I should even care.

I was originally going to post my test-ad for Craiglist, trying to find a free Life-Coach (with benefits?)… but WordPress hates me and I lost it, and I was too lazy to try to recreate it, so you get this instead.

Lately it seems I have some big decisions weighing on my shoulders. Like, where the hell am I going to live in 3.5 weeks when my lease is up? Should I just bite the bullet and move to away  and give this comedy stuff a shot? Should I go back to school and get my masters?

I really related to Shine’s post yesterday about her struggle with censorship on her blog. Every day before I hit publish, I sit back and try to think about who I could be offending. I wonder if people in my life who read this will assume that I am talking about them. I debate about whether or not I should even be sharing the shiz that I put out there, or if it is better that I keep my crazy head to myself.  As much as I have talked about this and have tried to adopt Shine’s philosophy of “it’s my blog and I’ll write I want to,” I know I will still contemplate these things.

It’s not always even the big things that get to me. In fact, usually it’s the little insignificant things that get to me the most.

Let’s reflect over a few of my small yet majorly time consuming decisions that I struggle with daily, shall we?

And yes… I realize I’m quite ricockulous.

*Whether or not to wear a jacket: I leave jackets places as often as Perez Hilton fucks is an asshole, and jackets are expensive. I have to constantly weigh out whether or not having a numb body is more important than losing an 80 dollar coat. Plus, half the time, even if I want to wear a jacket because it is 33 degrees outside (like it is now) I don’t know where any of them are. So then I have to decide if I should invest the time to look for said jacket, or just make a freezing cold run for it. And more so?  Dude. I live in Texas. You never know what a fall/winter/spring day will bring. If I wear the jacket, I usually end up with sweaty armpits. And if I don’t? All my arm hair, plus an additional 3 inches grows back.

*Whether to get the hell up and ready, or push snooze 14 more times: I’m not even sure why I bother with this one. But I do, every. single. morning.    My alarm goes off at 6:30. I snooze until 6:40. This is the time when I start debating whether I should get in the shower, blow dry my hair, watch 20 minutes of Good Morning America while I think about fixing my hair but usually don’t and  instead choose to eat a grapefruit in bed. Or whether I should continue to snooze until 7:15 when I will jump out of bed in a panic, throw on dirty clothes, brush my teeth, grab a banana, and run out the door with my clothes inside out. 99.98767899936 percent of the time push snooze at least 9 times and I show up at work looking like a person from underneath the stairs.

*Whether or not to go out: This is always a question that requires a lot of thought. I mean, if I choose to go out, that usually means that I have to shower (which I detest) and that I have to find something to wear. Then I have to think about whether or not I am actually in the mood to be social. Do I have money? Are my eyebrows plucked? Is there even anyone going to be there that I want to talk to? Am I having an ugly-face day? Not that these questions really matter much in the real decision making process… It usually all comes down to who is guest hosting  SNL tonight? and do I have beer at home?

*What to eat for dinner: For my roommates and I, this is literally the most difficult decision that we have to come to as a group, daily. The texts usually start somewhere between 2 and 3pm, once lunch starts to wear off. Our conversations are pretty much always the same.

Me: I’m hungry, what should we do for dinner?

Jake: meeee toooo… I’m craving Mi Cocina!

Me: We can’t afford Mi Cocina, plus then we’ll have the runs, and have to run afterward to burn off that 5000 calorie Limbo Taxi we will have.

Jake: urghhhhhhh….. well what do we do?

Me: I’m having 3 pieces of un-cooked rice.

Jake: I’m having 8 baked beans so that I can keep full longer.

Me: I’m having water.

Jake: I’m having air.

And then we usually decide to meet at home to discuss our options before we go to the store, which usually results in us sitting around for two more hours starving… so we either settle on fish and veggies that we have in our freezer, or we wait another additional hour before we go to the store, each of us emerging with a tv dinner and a bottle of wine. But it’s all good because by that time, I have already eaten off all of my fingers and I’m not even hungry anymore.

I really just want a feeding tube. I think that would solve everything.

*Do I, or don’t I applaud at the end of a movie: Yes. I’m a clapper. What? I like showing my appreciation. Plus it feels really validating when you clap first and everyone else joins in. But you always risk the chance that no one will join in, causing you to be the lone-idiot-slow clapper.

*To drink or not to drink: I more apt to go with the “to” on this one. I still have at least five minutes of internal debate.

*And more importantly, to ambien or not to ambien: This debate doesn’t have to do so much with actually taking it, it’s more as to whether or not I will actually get into bed after the fact. And after I take it, the decision is really no longer up to me.

*Whether or not to speak up: Dude, this is the worst. I’m an honest person. I believe in telling the truth, but there are some situations where I am just at a loss as to whether or not I should speak my mind or put myself out there. I’m talking about in multiple types of situations, with friends,with guys, at work… whatever. I never know what to do when friends who ask for my opinion about a situation, especially when I know that telling someone the truth could possibly hurt them. I also constantly struggle with putting my feelings out there when I know it could result in getting hurt myself. I decided a while back not to play games, and lately I’ve been taking more risks with my words…. Still not sure how well that is working out.

*Whether or not I should check my bank account: A lose/lose situation. I check it and am either completely bummed or I see that I actually have money and then proceed to overspend. Or I don’t check it and proceed to overspend. Conundrum.

*To pee, or not to pee: Well, I don’t usually think about this too much. I usually just go when I gotta go. Preferably in a toilet, and not as a result of a sneeze. But right now I feel that I have to go, but I really don’t feel like getting up until I finish this, and I also know that the toilet is going to freeze my ass off, and I actually kind of like my ass. But after thinking about it the last few minutes, I think I’m going to go ahead and pee so I don’t sneeze and accidentally pee my pants or something.

Happy Weekend party people!


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  • Pollypoptart

    You never fail to make me laugh, Carissa!

    Oh and this? *Whether to get the hell up and ready, or push snooze 14 more times

    I totally identify with that one. In fact, there may be a post in the works about it soon…

    And the conversation about what to have for dinner . . . priceless!

  • Nikki

    I have this problem too. Which exactly why I don't have throw pillow…in the almost 5 years I've lived in my house.

    Sounds like you have some hard decisions to make 😉 I gave up working out this morning to sleep in…then I hit snooze a few times and gave up washing my hair. Thank God it's casual Friday so I didn't have to iron anything!

    Hope you have a fabulous weekend full of tv dinners and wine. Thanks for the laugh! Now I have to pee…

  • Vegetable Assassin

    You want to know what is scary about this entry? Almost ALL of those points could have been me. I am always scared to check my bank account. I prefer to be in denial. Also, the dinner thing. I hate making decisions. And Ambien? If only I had some. I used to take it. I love when you pop one then do something in the house and a half hour later you're all loopy and high. They don't all do it but the occasional pill will make you feel really weird in a good way.

    I don't applaud at movies though. They're movies. Applauding is for deviants. Congratulations. :)

  • Cheddar

    Seriously, making decisions is the bane of my existence. What to eat for dinner, whether I should look professional or just hobo it up, to go out or not, which cheap wine will taste the best, whether to fold that laundry on the bed or just sleep under it. Life is so hard.

  • hiphophippie

    Fecking hilarious!!! I mental arm wrestle myself over this same shit constantly. Especially the drinking and Ambien part. The other night I lied in bed for 5 hrs not being able to sleep, but trying to decide if I should take an Ambien. Seriously, wtf? I'm insane. Completely insane.

    You have to keep me posted what you decide about your move!!

  • thatkindofgirl

    Oh my gosh, I also have the hardest time making myself check my bank account. It's just so depressing!

  • Herding Cats

    Wow, I have so many of these debates in my head each day. I suck at decision making. I learned in grad school that the average teacher makes at least 500 decisions a day. I blame this stat for what happens when I go home – which is when I usually forfeit all decisions to my bf and zone out/stare at the wall.

    By the way, you are hilarious AND smart. Can't you be a comedian with a master's?

  • JustMe

    Pushing snooze isn't really a choice for me.

    It's essential.

  • kathryn

    You're such a nut. And I mean that in a simpatico-kinda way.

    I spend a lot of anguish on things as well. Probably more ppl do than don't. I HATE checking my bank account…hate remembering all the birthday cards I forgot to send…I haven't opened my Christmas cards yet! Why, you ask? Because I didn't send any out this year and I feel like shit for that. Now, when I open 'em, I'll feel REALLY bad. Even worse, there's probably some green in some of them for da boys, so now they're late getting out Thank you cards that THEY don't even wanna send and my friends/relatives are probably already pissed.
    Where's my ambien?
    Where's my wine?

    Feel any better??

  • Jessica

    I'm not entirely sure what a life coach is…but I'm pretty sure I can be one. Also? The dinner question? HATE. IT.

  • Sada

    You are hilarious. No indecisiveness about that.

  • Daffy

    I had a bazillion briliant and witty comments as I read through your post. However, at this moment I can not remember a damn one of them.

    I laughed several times

    Out loud even

    Shook my head in acknoledgement, agreement and understanding.

    I even knuckle bumped you (virtually of course) with a YOU GO GIRL….

    My head hurts now. I thinkk I'll go debate over which drug I should ingest

  • justmakingmyway

    Huh. Except for the jacket thing, (because it's minus 10 or something crazy right now, so that's not really a choice) and whether to go out or not, (because hello? young children = no choice on going out) I can relate to every other one of those points. We were apparently separated at birth.

    Oh, also my night-time drug of choice is Advil PM. Guess I need to get me some of the good stuff!

  • Candice

    Hahahaha, I do the EXACT same thing with the bank account. And I'm the worst decision maker EVER. We need Magic 8 balls!! That's the solution!! Did you get my email?

  • Zandria Winn

    I am totally with you on the “to speak or not to speak” and the bank account dilemma. I've literally had to bite my tongue to keep from voicing my opinion, and I've also had to try to forget that I even HAVE a bank account (ie leaving debit card at home) in order to keep from overspending. And what keeps me from holding my pee in is the fear of urinary tract infections. THEY ARE REAL. VERY REAL.

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    Being decisive is a habit, like anything else. You fake it 'til you make it.

    “To pee, or not to pee” that is the question. I laughed at the end!

  • JDatIDoThings

    Ah, decisions of the undecisive.

    I love the scenario of you and your roommates discussing dinner. I wonder if I could ever eat only 8 baked beans.

    This morning as I lay in bed I tried to decide if I really wanted to go out to eat at a breakfast place by myself. Pros and cons. Eventually I went — and it was the happiest meal of my life.

    Now I'm just rambling. But when it comes to whether or not I should go to the bathroom (#2), as is happening right NOW, there's usually no time to . . .

  • meg

    i think i also need a life coach.
    i tend to agonize over decisions ever after I've made them, annoying myself even further.

  • latenightdramaqueen

    HA I love it. I am one of the most indecisive people in the world. My friends hate me for it and give me crap for it ALL. THE. TIME. My parents also used to have to delay looking at menus at restaurants until I'd had approximately 45 minutes (OK, maybe less) to peruse and make my choice so our food arrived together. Or they'd just order and I'd order later and they'd sit and watch me eat. I've slightly outgrown that. Usually.

  • tristan

    Gah – the last three get me every freakin' time!

    I usually tend to be “that friend.” The one that tells the truth, gets cussed out or the cold shoulder or (my least favorite) tears – followed by lots of backtracking and reiteratinging my honest opinion the next day.

    I hate checking my bank account. Because even when I think I'm doing good and not spending money – my spousal unit is whoring out his debit card all over town.

    I'll hold urine in as long as I can. Then I remember the time I had that horrible UTI and the friggin' Dr told me it's because I hold it AND because I drink too much caffeine. Let's just say, I left wanting my money back…

  • beckeye

    I never question the snooze button. I hit it for an hour, until my backup alarm goes off, and I even usually snooze that one 2-3 times. Did I mention I'm always late for everything?

  • Ambar

    jajaja I'm with you on the bank thing aaand the alarm.

  • Bing

    I just had the same inner to pee or not to pee dialogue with myself. The bathroom at work is freezing and I wanted to finish your post before I went. Not off to the loo I go!

  • Bing

    I just had the same inner to pee or not to pee dialogue with myself. The bathroom at work is freezing and I wanted to finish your post before I went. Not off to the loo I go!