My life as a Lifetime Christmas Movie

Ok, I know I have expressed quite a bit of grumpiness regarding the upcoming Christmas holiday as of late. I  really do feel a lot better about things, a major thanks to all you guys who have given me many nice words… and I’ve realized there are a few of things that do make me quite happy about the holidays.

One of them I’m a little ashamed to admit, but I’m not one to hold things back, so here ya go:

ABC Family and Lifetime Christmas movies.

There I’ve said it. Yes, I have been quite excited with the upcoming premieres on Falalala Lifetime and the 25 Days of Christmas. I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept, unless of course-you have a penis. If that is the case, you’ve probably left by now, so I shall continue.

I always fantasize about movies. I put myself in them. When I’m driving, when I’m listening to music, when I’m talking to someone that I don’t want to be talking to, and all frickin day long when I’m at work. But when the holidays come around, I find myself doing so more than usual. And yes, I put myself as the the lead (taking over the roles of Tori Spelling or Melissa Joan Hart) in these incredibly cheesy, poorly written and acted Christmas love stories.

I’m not usually even a hopeless romantic.

Ok that might be a lie, but for the most part I’m pretty…well, jaded when it comes to romance and all that schmaltzy stuff. I don’t know if it is all of the Time-travel romance novels I used to read, the NSYNC Holiday album I listen to non-stop every so often, or if it’s just that I’ve seen too many of these movies, but  it really takes over me this time of year.

I am the first to admit that I’m not a great writer, but I’m fairly certain that some of my ideas are better than the stupid, could never happen in a million years, stories that you’ll see this season on cable t.v.

I’ve even come up with a scenario that I will share with you.

The Time-Travel scenario

Carissajaded is just your average normal Texas girl. She works  a boring job, and doesn’t really do much of anything that is interesting. She has a passion for books and movies, talking in accents, cheese,  and John Cusack.  One day, Carissajaded is rummaging through her grandparent’s attic, looking for a box of ornaments. She comes across an old trunk, and decides to look through it. In the trunk she finds all sorts of old relics. She finds an old Bible with her great great great great great great great great great grandfather’s name inside. She finds a sparkly pinecomb decorated by some old ancestor of hers. She looks carefully through old letters and photographs, when she comes across a snow globe. Something about it strikes her as peculiar.  It’s not like any snow globe she’s ever seen before… the ones with Santa, or elves, or the manger scene. No… this one has man with a pencil-mustache and a top-hat standing in front of a Model T inside of it, and it is inexplicably beautiful to her.

She shakes the snow globe, and as she does -the attic begins to rumble. A large old iron pot falls from a shelf above and knocks Carissajaded straight the fuck out. The last thing she saw before the world went dark was the man with a pencil mustache inside the snow globe… winking at her.

She awakes in a different world. She walks around some snowy streets and everyone looks at her strange. Everyone that Carissajaded saw was dressed like the man in the snow globe, and she thought they were the weird ones. That was until she looked down at her own clothes and saw that she was still wearing the Harley Davidson sweatshirt and blue tye-died leggings that she was wearing at her grandparent’s house.

Just as she was looking down, a buggy comes out of nowhere and nearly hits Carissajaded, but luckily pencil mustache guy (played by Dean Cain or Mario Lopez) sweeps in and saves her life!

She looks deep into his hazel greenish bluish brownish eyes, and thinks she recognizes him, but NO! That’s just crazy! It can’t be!

Carissajaded: “Is everyone playing a prank on me? Where am I? It doesn’t snow in Texas, and they don’t have buggies in the year 2009!!”

Pencil Mustache dude: “Baby, you’re not in Texas anymore… You’re in New Yawk and it is the year 1905… and why de’er do you speak such strange words M’damme?”

He helps her up and offers to get her some “appropriate wardrobes.”As he does so, he looks her up and down with those smoldering hazel greenish bluish brownish eyes…

Carissajaded thinks he is being a little forward… and then they ensue a snarky, yet very witty dialogue.

At first they hate each other because she thinks he is a dick, but he keeps showing up in this strange world to help her out. He even takes her in when she is freezing cold with nowhere to go and feeds her a grilled cheese sandwich with cheetos smooshed up inside. He shows her what a REAL Christmas is like, one where people really care about each other and money and bullshit don’t matter.

And then they do it, real sweet like, with the lights out and candles lit, and he whispers sweet nothings into her ears, (which by the way are the only ears within a like, 40 year radius that have huge gold hoops in them,) and it was perfect!!

But the audience doesn’t get to see all that… It is just implied.

That same  night after they finally did it. she is rummaging through a drawer at his house (because she is looking for… a bible to pray for her long lost family, not because she being sneaky looking for pics of his ex-girlfriend) and she comes across a snow globe. Only inside this one was a house that looked just like her grandparent’s house. She hesitated for a moment before she shook it and thought very good thought about her family. Just as the new world that she had grown to love started to fade, pencil mustache dude runs in and tries to stop her.

Next thing she knows, Carissajaded is back in her grandparent’s attic, holding the snow globe, her head still throbbing.

Just as she was able to focus on the world around her, she hears her grandfather hollering that the door was ringing. Carissajaded forced herself down those steep attic stairs and rushed to the door, still a little confused about what had happened the last few hours. (days? months?)  She opens the door, and there he is, dressed in a UPS suit.. only without the pencil mustache or top-hat. They stare into each others eyes, and though he has never met her before in his life… the magic is there.

Carissajaded’s grandmother butts in and insists that hot UPS dude (sans pencil mustache) MUST accompany them at dinner. He grins and bows, almost old-fashioned like, and says, “yes ma’am.. I would love to accompany you and… Carissajaded to dinner. A confused glaze comes over his face as he realized he already knew her name. The dinner is lovely and everyone laughs and sings carols.

Then grandma says he should stay the night as to not be out with the scary people in the neighborhood… He agrees and they all settle in for a night watching scary movies by the fire.

And then I just assume we live happily ever after.

But alas, here I sit in my faded Harley Davidson sweatshirt and tie-died leggings, knowing nothing of the sort will never happen…

But maybe?

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  • badassgeek

    You're right. There are some lame Christmas movies made for cable TV. Makes me glad to not have cable.

  • Tara

    That was awesome.

  • lifeofmb

    Haha. Love this. I'm guilty of thinking that cameras are following me sometimes, and I'll act a little out of character for fun.

  • CandiceW

    Bahahahaha, I <3 you. And I LOVE the Christmas specials! Not the new shit though…I mean National Lapoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, that sorta thing.

  • SeanRamblings

    Congratulations! I think you've got yourself a TV movie. Plus, I'm sure that the network will appreciate the fact that willing to incorporate product placement into the movie. I have no idea if Cheetos were around in 1905 (if not, how did folks live then?), but perhaps Frito-Lay will pay millions to convince people that they did!

  • JustMe

    See, I love holidays, but I basically HATE Holiday movies. “It's A Wonderful Life” makes me want to vomit up everything I've ever eaten.

  • Josh

    I have a penis. So I didn't read the bottom part of this post.

  • Matt_J

    Here's what I took away from this post:

    “You have penis…I fantasize…Melissa Joan Hart…”

    Is that about right?

  • meg

    haha, I would really love to see this movie actually! especially if dean cain were in it! dean cain!!
    “A large old iron pot falls from a shelf above and knocks Carissajaded straight the fuck out.”—->bwahaha, this sentence made me laugh a whole lot. i'm sure the people here think i'm insane.

  • Carissa Jade

    Oh yes there are some lame ones… but some are lame AND awesome.

  • Carissa Jade

    ha, thanks!

  • Carissa Jade

    Isn't it fun!? I guess it can be a little embarrassing sometimes!

  • Carissa Jade

    I heart you back!! I try not to be biased… I love the new and the old!

  • Carissa Jade

    haha Don't you think it would fit right in on ABC family? I dunno about the cheetos in real life 1905, but if I'm starring in it, we're eating some frickin cheetos! :)

  • Carissa Jade

    haha i usually am not all about the cheese… but I think sometimes the holiday movies put me in the spirit a little more… I know what not to get you for christmas!

  • Carissa Jade

    well i did warn you after all!

  • Carissa Jade

    Exactly what I thought you would get out of it!

  • Carissa Jade

    Um yeah, Dean Cain is my favorite… Him AND Mario Lopez were in a new ABC Family movie last week. AWESOME!

  • Sherri

    Dean Cain or AC Slater???? Realllly? I was thinking James Franco.

  • Dani

    Oh, Falalala Lifetime. I had forgotten about you (mostly because I am feuding with my tv).

    I will catch one or two of those ::cough:: quality ::cough:: films this season…possibly when I'm feeling particularly lonely…probably after a few glasses of extra-special eggnog.

  • Kirsten

    oh man that was great. Mario Lopez was totally the guy. But the Mario Lopez from Saved by the Bell when he didnt look as feminine as he does now.
    That was suchh a good Lifetime movie example. Please do more! Ok thanks.

  • CarissaJaded

    Well, I would have gone with Jake Gyllenhall, or James Franco, or John Cusack, or that cute boy from 500 days of SUmmer, but I didn't think any of them would do a Lifetime movie… Mario Lopez and Dean Cain? that's the only work they can get!!

  • CarissaJaded

    oh yeah… falalala lifetime is the bomb!

  • CarissaJaded

    I agree… Mario Lopez was wayyyyy hotter in SBTB… I was actually more of a Zach fan.. But Slater in tights? kinda hot!!

  • kathryn

    I loved this story! And it had a happy (and potentially hot) ending.

    MUCH better than those stupid Lifetime movies….

  • Belle

    Your attire sounds soooo comfy, if it's any consolation.

  • CarissaJaded

    Oh yes, as the creator and director and star of this particular lifetime movie… the ending was definitely hot. They should make them R rated in real life. Really make it the woman's network.

  • CarissaJaded

    I”m wearing it again tonight… and yes just as comfy, though maybe a little smelly…

  • PJ

    Disqus ate my first comment, which was long and FUNNY! Have I told you I hate Disqus?

    The first two sentences of your movie script were funny and sucked me right in. I read that whole entire thing….none of the skimming stuff some bloggers do…

    I was shocked, nay STUNNED, that John C was not your romantic co-star. This may call for a rewrite….

    BTW, have I mentioned that I hate Disqus?

  • PJ

    Disqus ate my first comment, which was long and FUNNY! Have I told you I hate Disqus?

    The first two sentences of your movie script were funny and sucked me right in. I read that whole entire thing….none of the skimming stuff some bloggers do…

    I was shocked, nay STUNNED, that John C was not your romantic co-star. This may call for a rewrite….

    BTW, have I mentioned that I hate Disqus?