Carissa’s Yearly Update Newletter

Hello Family and friends!

I hope the year has been good to you. At least most of you. There are a few of you that I hope got audited or something similarly non-life threatening but still a pain in the ass.

I had such an exciting year in 2009, I’m sure I’m not going to be able to fit it all in this newsletter, but since you’re all so curious as to what’s been going on in my ever so eventful life, I’m going to try.

Let’s see. Where to begin.

I started the New Year out last year in Galveston. It was a great time although I closely escaped head injury when I face-planted in the middle of a very nice hotel lobby in front of a wedding reception. Luckily, I came out of it with only a loss of pride and a black eye. We also shot each other with BB guns, which was quite a lot of fun, though not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

I continued working my low paying job, but  got to spend a lot of time reading about movies and preparing for the 2009 Oscars, at which I was successful at seeing every nominated film. I bet none of you completed such a task.

Near the beginning of the year I had a serious scabies scare. I thought for a few weeks that there were tiny little organisms crawling around in my skin, and I spent many an hour trying to dig and burn them out. Turns out it was all in my brain… but still scary. Scabies (even just the mental kind) are a bitch to get rid of.

Around February I leaned against a door at the top of a flight of stairs, and once again narrowly escaped a massive head injury. I may not have escaped it, but I tell myself I’m fine.

Somewhere around March I decided I was tired of being single and I joined While I was asked on several dates, I only met a bunch of losers who had such hobbies as “teaching their cats to use the toilet,” and “learning kling-on,” (which I actually thought was going to be kind of cool, notsomuch. )The most memorable date was when I took a guy to the comedy club that I perform at and ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a while. They proceeded to tell me in front of my date how I looked like I “had lost a whole person,” which I suppose was true, but was also embarrassing.

I quit that shit after a month.

Then I met this  guy at a karaoke bar who turned out to be a swinger.

I quit that shit after an hour.

I met a guy when put up a fake ad on Craigslist saying that I would build professional living room tents and treehouses for hire.

Never even called him back.

Probably my favorite spring night was the night LA and I went to see Joshua Radin and ended up taking the  band out after the show for a good time. The drummer was an excellent kisser,but I’m pretty sure he was on drugs.

There was some other shit too, but I don’t want to excite you too much.

So as you can see I’ve kept a really busy social life.

Hmmm… what else…

Around April I decided to watch the entire Godfather series in one weekend. I thought that was quite an accomplishment. And then the next weekend I watched Lonesome Dove, but I only made it about 2/3rds a way through the movie before I got bored.

Some time last spring my dad and sister let my pet rat out at my family farm because they got tired of taking care of it and thought it deserved to live in the wild… that kinda sucked hairy balls.

The summer is where things really got interesting. I spent most weekend days sitting out at my pool drinking beer and working on my tan. My roommates and I hosted a kick-ass Fourth of July Party which ended with me getting tasered (for fun, not by a cop.)


In July I started a blog where I got the opportunity to update my friends daily with the exciting details of my life…



ok! I know…

For Halloween my friend and I dressed up as “Ghouls Gone Wild” and I narrowly escaped another head injury when a stair skiing incident went awry.


I finally caught up on Dexter season 3 so now I can finally watch season 4… even though LA already told me the twist ending.


Well, I guess that brings us up to date!

Oh yeah, and last night I backed out of the date with the hot Turkish dude last minute. I know, I know… I still may go out with him next week… He was just way too cheesy, and I think I need to save my dates for people with whom I have more in common with than a love of incense. Instead I stayed home in my pjs with the roomies and watched “All About Steve.”

So yes!! That concludes a year in the life of me. I am so blessed to have so many good friends to share this information with. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

Love Always,

Carissa Jaded

And for those of you curious about the tree necklace, you can purchase one here.


Related posts:

  1. Post it note Tuesday and update for your face.
  2. TMI Thurday: A bloody confession.
  3. My favorite place.
  4. Post it note Tuesday, and damn girl where you been?
  5. A Story… and overcoming a life-long fear… (shuttup)
  • jenniferalaine

    Hahaha I totally watched All About Steve last night too! And congratulations on surviving so many near-head injury incidents!

  • meg

    oh my goodness, the trees all have names! Personally, I like Cleo.
    and yes, i must second the previous comment…good job on escaping all those head injuries! wow.
    oh, and no hot turkish dude date story! i was so looking forward to that…

  • hiphophippie

    Yeah, cheesiness is a major turn-off. I just can't deal with that. It's about the furthest thing from hot–such a pity when a fine piece of ass turns out to be cheesy! What a waste! Well Merry Merry and here's to an awesome 2010!

  • Just Another Momma

    Ghouls gone wild. I love it!! Sounds like you've had a pretty exciting year.

  • Sherri

    If anything, you should go out with Turkish dude for some blog-fodder!
    Your year was exciting and I wish you tons more in 2010, minus the taser-ing.

  • MoodyBelle

    Your year was quite eventful! I envy you..

    Anyway wish you and fam a Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays…enjoy to the max and drink as if there's no tomorrow! Cheers… 😉

  • badassgeek

    Sounds like you've had quite the year! I've escaped a few head injuries myself, in 2009.

  • nikki

    I am seriously hoping this is your brag letter for the year. Your family will be impressed 😉

    Can't believe you backed out of that date…although my experience with Turkish men comes with the pungent smell of BO. You'll have to confirm that one for me.

  • Kirsten

    Such a good newsletter. I hope you send it out in your Christmas cards. Please?

  • clevelandpoet

    oh man my goal to party it up with you! oh and the candy cane mojito is up at

  • Just Another Momma

    Left you a little somthin on my blog today. Merry Christmas!

  • kcgirlgeek

    I am a little irritated that someone told you the end of Dexter season 4. THAT person needs to learn to keep a secret.

    2010 will be better AND awesome. :) (I mean, not just on Dexter…in real life…heh.)

  • Pollypoptart

    Hahaha, loved this update, plus it's a good catch-up on the blog I missed before I started reading you!!!

    Here's to an eventful 2010 for both of us, eh??? :)

  • lralln9

    For the record, you asked me to tell you the ending and told me you were going to google it if I didn't tell you…

    Love you, friend! Happy Christmas!

  • lralln9

    Oh and Josh Radin tops my list too!

  • thebacksofmyeyelids

    Maybe you could begin 2010 with a post about your goals and objectives….maybe that you would help you avoid head injuries, avoid Turkish guy and kick LA in the ass for spoiling the twist ending for Dexter, season 4!

    We love our Dexter and no one, but no one can mess with that!

  • Kristin

    I'd say that was one eventful year lady. Seeing all the Oscar noms IS an achievement. I've never managed it myself!

  • CandiceW

    Happy holidays darling, sounds like a fantastic year to me! Especially with all the injuries. I took a nice hiatus from my Internet life, now I have about 230203920 blogs to catch up on.

  • LiLu

    Hahaha! I love the tree necklace!

  • winfield

    My advise is to get health insurance!

  • Jared

    You have a great site here. I have a site myself where people come from around the world to debate on popular issues. I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between us. If you would like to, please leave a comment under my “Compadres” page letting me know when you've added my link and I'll return the favor.

    Keep up the good work.


  • Yankism007

    A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
    Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”
    Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
    Without them we wouldn't be here.”
    Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
    To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?”

    Telephone Answering Service