TMI Thursday: Email roast style. In which people hump weird shiz.

As the queen of crass LiLu puts it:
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Lilu is out of town for a while, but she has provided us with a series of very special TMI Thursday post secret posts. Make sure to check them out…. And for more TMI than you could ever imagine, check out her TMI archives!

I’m doing TMI a little different this week. I have a friend “Moops” who has asked several times for me to talk about him on my blog.

Well sir, I’ll do better than that. You have officially been email roasted. TMI Thursday style.

The following are emails that I copied straight from an email  conversation that happened yesterday afternoon.

I wrote the first email to a group of my friends when I realized I was having a difficult time coming up with a post for today. Moops spent the better part of the afternoon traveling all over the country for work, so didn’t get to check his email until the damage had been done.

Luckily, he’s a good sport. (I hope.)

From Carissa Jade


to scuba,  Moops, LA,  Katie,

Hey friends,

Moops has been wanting me to talk about him in my blog for a while… As I am completely brain dead today,I was thinking that you guys could help me out with thinking of a good story.

I know there must be many stories out there that I could tell that would be considered TMI about our friend in question.

The first one that first comes to mind…

Remember when we were calmly talking in the living room, and out of nowhere Moops reached down his pants, into his butt hole and then proceeded to stick his fingers in my mouth???! Just because ” he had an urge!!!”

I almost had to kill myself by ingesting bleach.

I got him back on the river trip though. heeeheehehee

You got anything better?




This happened,

Outside the Coventry Apts. Justin met our across the hall neighbors in his tighty whitees.  He then helped the girl carry groceries from her car up flight of stairs in his undees.  He then slipped on the very top concrete stair and all of the groceries went flying out of the sack.  He was bleeding and scrounging for groceries in front of our new girl neighbor in his undees.  Her boyfriend then shows up as this is going on.




Orrrr……….Maybe I should switch gears and tell about the time Scuba pooed his pants. I was such a nice friend and told him I would do his laundry for him. I almost died when I saw the skid lake underwear in the laundry basket.




How about the time Moops puked on my couch then had to be taken to bed? Fast forward three hours and he comes storming down the stairs yelling at me me. Upon his return back up the stairs he proceeds to trip and stumble back down to the bottom. To top it off, he jumps up, glares and points his finger at me and says, “Yoooooooouuuuuuu”!




I have a quick couple…

How about the time Moops decided to tell us about his love for couches. He loves them so much that he use to have sex with them, sad but true. Moops use to masturbate by inserting his junk between couch cushions and go to town!

Or how bout the time we went to we walked into an apt. party of people we didn’t even know and Moops drank too much and as usual stripped down to his tightee whitees and the people were so put off they asked us to leave. We do and Moops begins to laugh. Of course we ask “what are you laughing at?” He then pulls out the tube of toothpaste he was so proud to have stolen. His grand revenge for getting kicked out was stealing toothpaste…

Then there is the time that Moops really impressed me. I had just moved in below him and had spoken with him a few times. My roommates were out so I went to go say hi. Moops opens the door and is unquestionably shit faced. We are watching T.V. and I’m telling him a story when he stops me and says “hold on.” He then leans over and pukes the smelliest blach puke onto his carpet, nearly getting it on his boy dog “Jager.” When done he looks at me and says “ok, go on.” Without blinking an eye! Bless his heart!

And then of course there is the time that he asked my somewhat crazy ex-bff to trim his pubes. She then convinces him that he should be blind folded for the event. She did this so pictures could be taken without him knowing. Blindfolded, naked, and holding a beer, Moops let this crazy woman near his manhood with a pair of scissors in her hand! Don’t worry she didn’t hurt him, she just trimmed, but it did make for interesting pics….




HAHAHA I forgot about some of these! Speaking of the puking (not that there aren’t already enough puking stories) I just remembered about the time that I woke up to find a pile of puke at the foot of my bed. That fool woke up in the middle of the night, stuck his head over the foot of the bed, and then straight up went back to sleep.

The funny thing about that night that he stole the toothpaste, is that I’m pretty sure that was the same night we may or may not have dipped someone’s toothbrush and razors into the toilet. Oops.

Oh. And my favorite… (which really needs it’s own post) The night he peed my bed, thank goodness I was on the futon that night (poor shae) That wasn’t really even the bad part. He took the down comforter home and promised to wash it. Three weeks later I go to his loft and that thing was was in his closet with all the other “clean” blankets… and sure nufff …it had never been washed.

And KT. When you get a chance, you must send me those pube cutting pics. I have no idea what happened to my copy. I know it was in my glove compartment for a while- though I have absolutely no idea as to why…




Wow, all of this makes me sound like a really great guy!  I’ll get abnoxiously drunk, puke, piss your bed, might fuck your couch and I might ask you to get some of those hard to reach pubes.  I want to hang out with me!!

Scuba,  speaking of fucking things this one is for you…

I believe this story epitomizes TMI.  This came out of one of those story telling sessions where everyone was boozed up enough to share stories from their sexual past, the story didn’t necessarily have to involve another person, solo acts were admissible.  I’m on a plane and I don’t want the guy next to me to see what I’m writing so I have to make it quick.

So it begins, Scuba, the horny young thing that he was went about the house looking for objects he could have intercourse with, nothing too disturbing or out of the ordinary yet, right?  On his quest for pleasure a furry young thing catches his eye, why of course, what better sexual companion than your favorite over stuffed teddy bear (it might have been a panda).  But hmmm, how to make this lustful encounter logistically possible?  Cut a hole in it!  With near surgical precision (I’m sure) Scuba proceeds to cut a hole ample enough to receive his penis.  Then,  he fucked the teddy bear.

The funniest part is that his mom found the stuffing from the procedure; he told her that a kid down the street went into a rage and stabbed his bear.  So to this day if that neighbor kid is ever mentioned his mom says something to the effect of “ oh that so and so , he’s the one who stabbed your poor teddy.”




It was a cow and he shared that story the same night you shared you love for couch cushions :)




hahaha ok, thanks guys. I’m gonna have to use all of this…


Oh yes, in case you were wondering… my friends definitely put the ass in class. Have a wonderful day!

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Related posts:

  1. TMI Thursday: My P-phone and how I lost it
  2. TMI Thursday: Barf-o-rama
  3. TMI Thursday: Squat Got Copped
  4. TMI Thursday: Everything comes down to poo (not mine)
  5. The scariest moment of my life (for once not an exaggeration) and why I am the worst person to be around when shiz goes down
  • Josh

    Wow…just wow.

    I have to say that I have never fucked my couch, nor would I want to. LOL


    Wow! Those guys sound pretty cool. I would like to hang out with them one day if i'm luck enough.

  • Matt_J

    The puking in the middle of the conversation could be my favorite story told.

  • Carissa Jade

    Are you sure about that? I hear it is quite nice. I also believe the same man in question had a little adventure with a pool floatie…

    And dude, thanks for the Wave! Now help me figure out what to do next please. :)

  • Carissa Jade

    My friends are awesome. But I'm not sure “lucky” is the word I would have used to get to witness any of the aforementioned stories.

  • Carissa Jade

    I'm pretty sure he has done that more than once… He's got it down to perfection. Smooth like that.

  • Josh

    Most definitely sure. What's the the inanimate objects? Fuck. I understand your hand can get a little boring after awhile…fucking change it up!

    Even drawing a mouth of a vag on your hand wouldn't be as weird as fucking a couch or a pool floatie! LOL

  • kirsten53

    hahah wow so many good stories here. One of my guy friends keeps begging for a mention on my blog. Maybe I should do one of these things to him.. he would probably beat me up but I think it would be worth it. He has some prettyy embarrassing stories.


    Has this “Moops” character ever considered a hooker. It sounds like a good ol central american hooker might do him some good! Just food for thought

  • clevelandpoet

    haha what a revenge stealing the toothpaste!

    This was all so made of awesome!

  • Carissa Jade

    Reveal your identity!

  • Carissa Jade

    haha you totally should. It is all pay back for the time he stuck butt juice in my mouth. and puked on my floor, and peed my bed, and got me kicked out of parties. If your friend is anything like mine.. he deserves it!

  • Carissa Jade

    I so stole that line from you and used it like five minutes before I saw this comment. Told you I would be using it daily!


    I'm a mutant who has sas, and listens to reggae. therefore, i combined these three things and became RASMUTANT!!!


    Real name is Mike McKlosky

  • Jessica

    LMAO! That was a great bunch of stories! Now they're wondering why I'm back here laughing. oops, gonna get fired!

  • brad

    i've heard of people getting stink-hand and then shaking peoples' hands so it smells like ass. but you got stink-handed in the mouth?!

  • ambermurphy

    Boys get to have all the fun. No fair. I wish I could insert myself into inatimate objects for my own pleasure.

    I adored the email roast. Kudos!

  • PJ

    Bug-eyed, jaw dropped….what words could possibly follow all that?

  • dearjennymac

    the scampering about in undies helping the neighbor and spilling groceries at the same time story made me laugh out loud.

  • CandiceW

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: I really wanna hang out with you and your friends. My god does this guy have any control over his orifices? I think my favorite was w hen he helped the girl with her groceries, freaking GOLD

  • kimwithak

    These are hilarious. I wonder what would happen if I sent out an e-mail like that requesting stories about me..

    nah…i don't want to know.

  • blunt delivery

    um, okay. yea yea yea emails shmemails… but um, more importantly… i just read your about me and i DIED laughing.

    you are my soulmate. now i know why no man could ever satisfy me.

    and what the crap!?? you do improv? SO DO I! i'm actually helping write a holiday comedy show for my town as we speak!

  • Andhari Sidharta

    LOL fuck the couch. You have crazy friends! Awesomeness.

  • Sherri

    Couch fucking…? Possibly the world's best form of birth control.

  • CarissaJaded

    haha thanks!!

  • CarissaJaded

    Um yes I did, and it was the most disgusting thing to ever happen to me in my life. Or pretty damn close.

  • CarissaJaded

    I know right? I would love to hump a stuffed cow,,,

  • CarissaJaded

    WTF? haha

  • CarissaJaded

    This guy literally used to never go a week without taking off his clothes drunkenly in public.

  • CarissaJaded

    DO IT! TX would love to have you!!

  • CarissaJaded

    haha, yeah I thought about asking for stories about myself… but I would have never posted that one…

  • CarissaJaded

    i knew i loved you too!! We will have to talk more extensively about this…

  • CarissaJaded

    Well I'm not sure everyone would think that humping a couch is awesome, but I sure do!

  • CarissaJaded

    hahaha so true. I would like to see commercials for that…

  • PJ

    You're out there!

    There's an award for you over at my place. 😉

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  • Gina


    Brings back some fun memories.

  • Gina


    Brings back some fun memories.

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