SUCK IT, Chad Kroeger.


I know I’ve touched on this before, but I don’t  really think I can stress enough how much I  would like to smoke a pack of cigarettes,  eat a bottle of fish oil plus 5 cloves of garlic, drink 2 cups of coffee, and then hold Chad Kroeger down and breathe in his face for 3 hours straight. *** I know first hand how well this torture works. This was pretty much my experience every morning growing up when my mom would hold me down to pluck my eyebrows. At least that is the way I remember it.

{{de|Sänger Chad Kroeger vor dem Stuttgarter L...
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At the very least, I would like for the entire world to realize that Nickelback sucks hairy balls!

You know what? That’s not even fair. I am not even going to pretend that I know enough about music to say that they are musically shitty, because I’m sure they have at least a little talent or they wouldn’t be winning Grammys and what not. I do know enough about hearing things to know that listening to Chad Kroeger sing is only about 3 steps away from being literally raped in the ear.

Which is precisely what has been happening to me all week.

I get it Jack FM. You play what YOU want. And that is the exact opposite of what I want about 17 times every day.

Every time I hear those first few chords and his whiny groan of a voice chime out with-“How the hell we end up like this?” a little part of me dies.

And yes, I realize that that this may seem a little hypocritical considering that am writing this a day after posting how horrible of a singer I am myself. But you know what? I don’t get paid millions and millions of dollars to entertain people with my voice. (Though I bet I COULD  get paid tens of dollars NOT to entertain my five co-workers in my office.)

It does please me to see that there really is a lot of Nickelback hate out there. I’ve probably  heard more people say that they hate Nickelback than I’ve hear people say they hate Kanye West. If all the hate, then why are they still all over the radio? I’m starting to be convinced that half the people who say they “hate” this band are just doing it to get on the hateorade bandwagon. Maybe it’s just become trendy to shout out your angst at a band whom you haven’t really even formed a proper opinion about and then go home and buy forty dollars worth of their music on itunes to see what the hate is all about, therefore leading the radio people to believe that people want to hear this Godforsaken music and cause them to play it all freaking day. (I only know this happens because I have fallen for it myself. Thank you Miley Cyrus.)

I’ll be honest. Maybe I haven’t given them a proper chance. It’s not like I’ve heard any of there songs besides the five that are played 13 trazillion times on the radio every day. Nor do I want to.

My hate comes from a very personal experience, one  not even related to their music, (though I still think their music sucks) one that Ive spoken of briefly before.

Back when I was in college, our football team made it to the playoffs  resulting in a bowl game in New Orleans. I was involved in  a drinking spirit organization that went to all the football games and drank cheered from the stands. During After the football game, I went down to Bourbon street to meet up with a friend who had moved away a few years before, and had also come in town for the bowl game.

We met at one of those little stands where they sell the big Hurricane drinks (you know those tall red drinks you can buy on the side of the street with an umbrella stuck in it??) We had  just retrieved our drinks (though I was probably already quite a few deep) when we decided we should take pictures to celebrate our reunion and to show off our Hurricanes.

There were three of us gathered and we all wanted to be in the picture, so I looked around to see if there was anyone around who I could trust to take it.

I approached a group of people nearby who were dressed anywhere from “homeless” to “douche-bag,” but seeing as there was no one else around, I decided to ask them anyway.

CJ: Would one of  you mind taking a picture of us? My friends and I all want to be in it?”

I spoke openly to the group. As I did, the group all shifted their attention to the homeless looking greasy man in the center, who was obviously their leader.

Homeless looking greasy man: “Well sure ladies, I wouldn’t mind that one bit.”

He left his spot in the group and walked past the camera that I held out for him.

CJ: Umm… Nervous laughter.

Homeless looking greasy man: Where would you like me to stand? As he is already edging himself between my friends and I, putting his arms around our shoulders.

CJ: Tehhehee… actually, we were just gonna see if you could take a picture of us! We haven’t seen each other in a while and don’t really want a stranger in our picture.

The homeless looking greasy man was taken aback. He clearly thought we were joking until we had reposed without him and I was once again trying to hand him my camera.

Homeless looking greasy man’s group finally took notice of what was going on, and all at once started talking.

“Do you know what you’re doing?? one of them said. “That’s fucking Chad Kroeger!!!”

CJ: Okkkkkkk? (and why do I care?)

“The lead fucking singer for Nickelback you bitch.”

CJ: Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh. (shit!… But still,  who cares? No reason to act like an asshole.)

Homeless looking Greasy man AKA Chad Kroeger: Fuck you, Fuck you bitches.

Then we laughed and ran away as fast as we could.

Looking back, I can understand that he may have been embarrassed to assume that we wanted a picture with him.

Regardless, to tell someone “Fuck you” for not recognizing you? Add in the ability to kill small children with the sound of your voice?

Suck it, Chad Kroeger. I’ll never forgive you.

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  • http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/ Mwa

    That must have been so embarrassing for him. Made me laugh, though.

  • http://thebacksofmyeyelids.blogspot.com/ PJ

    So incredibly funny! Leaves a cynic jones'in for more jaded rants!

    Hi! I'm PJ,host of the Amazon giveaway. You're one of my new followers and I like to meet and greet those I haven't met and gret yet! :) Welcome!

    I'm following along on your blog now too!

  • http://www.ftcs.wordpress.com/ clevelandpoet

    EPIC! He can suck it! Plus I'm really sick of hearing the story of why that crap band is called nickleback! I will from now on call him homeless looking greasy man.

  • http://watchoutworldimatwentysomething.blogspot.com/ JustMe

    His voice is biologically designed to make you want to kill him.

    …and his personality seems to be designed the same way.

  • http://matthewjenks.blogspot.com/ Matt_J

    I'm pretty sure that their sole purpose in life is to fill the void in Douchebag Rock left when Creed broke up.

    Now that Creed is back together…does that mean that Nickelback can go away?

  • http://hillbillyduhn.blogspot.com/ hillbillyduhn

    THAT was funny. The male population of my house may argue with you, they like that band, however, I can leave it. It doesn't do much for me. And they are no longer nickleback for me, they are the band that has the homeless looking dude in it, that has no class!

    p.s. thanks for the gay dinosaur joke, hahahaha, can't wait for hubs to get home and tell him it!

  • microcows

    Thankfully, I'm home sick today. I don't think I could have passed my reaction to your Chad Kroeger story off as work-related.

    And if you've heard five Nickelback songs, you're a more astute listener than I am, I thought they were all the same song. I think my daughter left a Nickelback CD in one of our cars, I keep it there to deter people from breaking into the car, since they'll feel sorry for me and my bad musical taste.

    Plus, douchiest backstory for naming a band. Ever. Uh, Eh-Ver.

  • ambermurphy

    Wow. What a douche, with even douchier music. I will always think of this story right before I quickly change the station when Nickelback songs come on the radio.

    (Except Rock Star. I kinda like Rock Star…)

  • http://francobeans.com/ f.B

    Probably the best story I've read this week. He probably thought you asking to take a picture/photograph was some joke because of their single, “Photograph.” Not that I know anything about that.

  • kimwithak

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for hating Chad and Nickelback as much as I do.

  • http://www.belleandnel.com/ Nel

    I want to stab myself in the ears every time he starts singing. He might be the cause of my migraines.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I hope he was embarrassed! Serves that asshole right, right?

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Nice to meet you PJ! Thanks for stopping by! And there are many more rants where this one came from!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Right? I'm telling you, I've seen him clean up (a little) but when I saw him he definitely looked homeless!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    How Did he get famous???

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    please please please make them go away. I cannot wait for the day when I see a “where are they Now” VH1 special on these guys.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    It seems more guys actually like them than girls. I don't know why. And I am so perplexed that he is writing songs for other artists now. And I think I heard Chad Kroeger is doing some collaboration with Timba land… WHAT?

    and you're welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    You're right. They all sound the exact same.

    And you're also right about people not breaking into your car bc of the cd! I just laughed so hard at that…

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Ahhhh Noooooo! Not Rock star! (but i do know all the words)

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    hahaha probably! that and the fact that his head is so big that he could be in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade!!

    of course you don't… :)

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    You're welcome!!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I would put money on it!

  • http://www.lifeofanewlywife.blogspot.com/ Tara

    Sounds like a reasonable reason to hate Chad Kroeger to me (I didnt even know that was that guy's name)

  • http://seanramblings.blogspot.com/ Sean

    That's awesome! It's not like Chad Kroeger and Nickelback are Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones. They're Nickelback! Now I can understand if the guys were upset if you didn't recognize Neil Diamond, but again this is Nickelback!

  • http://www.phronk.com phronk

    Holy crap! This is the funniest story I've ever heard in my entire life!

    I kinda thought that the whole “dumb asshole” act was just their image that they faked for the stage and interviews. But wow, I guess it's all real.

    I still get hundreds of hits to my blog from people searching for “Nickelback sucks”, because I wrote this: http://phronko.blogspot.com/2007/02/proof-that-

  • CarissaJaded

    I only know it because I make it a personal goal to find out about and bash everyone who says F.U. to me.

  • CarissaJaded

    AND this was like 4 years ago. So he had even less of a reason to be a douche!

  • CarissaJaded

    hahaha I love that you hate them too!!

    Oh yeah, I don't know about all of them, but I know Kroeger is an ass!

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Woah. He IS a douchebag…that was WAY out of line! It's one thing to be annoyed that you're not recognized, but to tell you to fuck off??

    Who does he think he IS???

  • CandiceW

    Chad Kroeger can most definitely suck a fat one. I agree with EVERYTHING!

  • http://bluntdelivery.com/ blunt delivery

    O M G

    i love you because i HATE nickelback. as soon as i hear him sing one solitary note my body breaks out into cold sweats.

    ugh.

  • CarissaJaded

    Oh he thinks his shit don't stink… By the looks of him, it definitely does!

  • CarissaJaded

    I can think of about twenty things i would like to make him suck. But I won't go into that as to not offend anyone!

  • CarissaJaded

    me. too. and ever since I wrote this, i feel like everyone I know has been singing them to get on my nerves. Or maybe it's my fault that I got them in their heads? Either way, I'm regretting this post!

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com/ Kirsten

    That is amazing. In 8th grade one of my friends looked like him. But she was a girl. Everyone called her Nickleback. It would be sad, but she was really into it.. I guess that makes it even more sad…

    either way very good story i enjoyed

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    She was happy to look like Chad Kroeger?? oh hahahaha that is sad!

    But I know a few people who think he is cute, so… i guess to each his own!

  • http://andreadisaster.com/ Andrea

    I read somewhere that after The Beatles, the second biggest selling non-American group this year was… yep. I still don't understand.

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    Nickelback is one of the WORST bands on the face of the planet [next to Creed] and if you ever decide to “give them a chance” I will hunt you down and ram rusty forks into your ears. :)

  • http://twitter.com/joshuawking Joshua King

    This has to be one of the most epic posts ever. haha. Chad Kroeger sucks hairy, unwashed balls.

  • http://twitter.com/drlulzington Dr L.O.L. Lulzington

    Anyone who thinks Chad Kroeger is a douchebag is a friend of mine. That must mean I have a lot of friends!

  • ktcotton

    It was even longer than four years ago, we were still not of legal drinking age, making that band almost unknown at that point! I love that story and that whole crazy trip!

  • http://twitter.com/NikkiM1976 Nicole Miodus

    What a dickhole douchenozzle.

    I fucking hate Nicklecrap.

  • http://lifeintheleftlane.wordpress.com/ Bing

    Haha, I hate Nickelback too and this story makes me hate them more! What a bunch of dicks!

  • http://30isthenew13.blogspot.com/ Sada

    Oh my god, this was amazingly hilarious. I can only hope that you run into Scott Stapp next!

  • Wren

    I'd prefer the rusty forks.

  • loquita23

    Haahahaha! This story totally made my day! If he can prove he's immortal and his shit don't stink, maybe THEN he would have grounds to act like that. Otherwise he's just a supreme douche!

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    well, That's because the singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger (who, … Why Do People Hate Nickelback and is Chad Kroeger Really that Ugly?

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  • a peralta

    who are you to judge anyone. We are all the same the one I feel sorry for is you. Fat ugly is that what you are I bet I am right. May it all go back to you lets see who laughs then.

  • Lilmmcutie17

    get over it, you prob. dont remember the story very well since you were drinking