Weekend Letters


Dear State Fair of Texas,

We need to have some words.

Before you think that this is all going to be bad, I did have a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed petting the llamas and watching those baby piglets drink from the mama pig. Who knew pig-nipples could be so big?

i heart llamas
i heart llamas

piggies

Additionally, I really actually enjoyed the diving pirates show. So much that I think I may learn how to dive so that I can join them. Oh sure, it was a little cheezy and I’m a little out of their goal age demographic… but I have a love affair with pirate jokes and this made me very happy.

pirates
RRRRRR you serious?

But I do have a few bones to pick with you…  First, I left feeling a little like you ass-raped me a little bit, or at least took advantage of the fact that this was my first time.

I knew you weren’t cheap… but 10 tickets for a tiny beer? Over twenty dollars to ride the Ferris Wheel? And with so many yummy treats with each turn of my head, how do you expect me to resist eating a turkey leg, roasted corn, popcorn, and a tornado tator? You can expect me to forward you a few health bills, as I am positive my stomach will never be the same.

And also, you really should have a warning on a few of your rides that says “Not meant for persons over the age of 26,” because I feel a little bit like my head is going to fall off of my neck I meant it when I yelled “I’m never going to ride a ride again,” and also when I said “I’m too old, too old for this you mother fucker- stop the ride.” And guess what? Nobody stopped the freaking ride.

Alas, even though I am still a little mad at you- I was thankful for all the good people watching that you provided. . I think I saw several people who  (judging on appearances) spend their entire years salary on the fair.

Until next year,

Going to the gym 4 hours a day for the next 3 weeks.

_________________________________________________________________________

Guy who sold me the John Lennon Necklace at the fair,

I don’t care what my friends say- there is something very attractive about your long bushy beard. My friends all said that they think it would be smelly, but i tend to disagree. I  could also smell that patchouli oil even from the other side of the counter, and I love it!
I have spent my morning researching different images that I want to order on necklaces from you. If only I can find your business card.

My necklace was definitely one of the better parts of the day, as was your beard.

My new favorite necklace.
My new favorite necklace.

I wonder if I could squeeze in a trip to Denver. Maybe I’ll see you at your next show!

Sincerely,

Not a stalker

_________________________________________________________________________

To all other patrons of the state fair,

If you went into the indoor arts section and happened to purchase a flattened glass necklace from a man with a very long beard, would you kindly check and see if you picked up a business card? And then just forward me that email address.

Thanks so much,

Not desperate

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear zombie shirt boy,

I really did enjoy talking to you the other night but I know I acted a little weird the following day. I feel I should explain. I don’t really remember the last part of our conversation and I erased my drunk text messages because I don’t like to feel shame…  but in the event that you got a message from me that said “I am already in love you” 3 hours after meeting me- please either assume that

A. Some stranger broke into my house wearing a banana suit, ate a block of cheese, held me up with a hack saw and then stole my phone and must have texted you himself.

or

B. I was just joking! I’m funny like that!

I’m also sorry if I made my friends called you… I’m sure that was a little awkward.

I’m not usually crazy and I’ll leave it at that because in my experience the people who have to say over and over again that they are not crazy, are usually the craziest.. and I am definitely not crazy.

I understand if you never want to talk to me again but it was very nice meeting you and I think your super cool.

I love you,

I like your facebook picture,

Sleepless in Dallas,

I‘m available every night this week,

Can we at least be friends?,

Not a desperate crazy stalker

___________________________________________________________________________

My dearest kidneys,

I’m sorry. Very sorry.

Love,

NEVER DRINKING AGAIN

___________________________________________________________________________

To several of my Facebook friends who I saw at homecoming,

Sure I know it has been a while, and I probably look a little different than you remember me… But I remember having several conversations with you back in college. I even knew some of you well enough that I considered you a real life friend.

Regardless, I was super offended at how many of you I waved at, with no response. I mean, even if you don’t recognize me- DO YOU NOT WAVE BACK AT STRANGERS? How rude can you be!? I try to smile at all the strangers that pass by, and even more at the ones who are at my college homecoming because there is a chance I know them.

Let me refresh your memory. I’m in the one in the middle. You saw me this weekend. You looked me in the eye, you asshole.

homecoming

Maybe I don’t have much of a life, but even though we haven’t seen each other for a while, I try to keep up with your life. I look at your pictures from Vegas and your new baby just took his first steps, congrats!! I know every time you have been drinking because facebook friend, you tell me and I listen.

Well I, for one, am not going to stand for this abuse. If you don’t even look at my pictures enough to recognize me- then why are we “friends?”

So just a heads up, don’t be surprised if you get deleted from my friend list. Not that you’ll even notice, but still.

Your not aging as gracefully as I would have thought,

Needs everyone to love me.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1788392286 facebook-1788392286

    Go bury your virtual face in that patchouli beard, baby!

    meltingvisions@gmail.com

  • http://www.geniuspending.com/ Jay

    Ah yes, another beardophile. Your kind is most welcome here.

  • http://www.whosmydaddy.wordpress.com/ Carly

    $20 for a Ferris Wheel ride? Seriously? Thank God for people watching and llamas!

  • http://blog.digitalroom.com/ Girlie | Digital Room

    I enjoyed reading your weekend letters especially the letter for your kidneys. It was so hilarious!

    The llamas in the picture looks so cute, I want to take it home.

  • CandiceW

    $10 BEER??!!! That's OUTRAGEOUS. I hope it was magical. I love beards, by the way. Don't you just wanna take one and rub it all over your body?

  • CarissaJaded

    hehe what is it about the smell of patchouli that I absolutely cannot resist?

  • CarissaJaded

    and beards! I see you have one yourself. It says a lot of good things about a person…

  • CarissaJaded

    It may have even been more. Yes, it is ridiculous!

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    I'm thoroughly jealous of your proximity to the State Fair. Not jealous of your proximity to heart and liver failure. Just kidding!! Sounds like a fabulous weekend… even if your liver disagrees. What the frick does it know!?

  • CarissaJaded

    Aw shucks, thanks! I too, I guess I have a thing for patchouli, beards and llamas…

  • CarissaJaded

    Beer is always at least a little bit magical. I guess I have a thing for patchouli, beards, llamas and beers. and i might be a little drunk now.

  • CarissaJaded

    ZBeer is always a little bit magical. I couldn't have said it any better about rubbing beard all over your body. Its like a crunchy sponge.. or something..

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Aw…sounds like a mixed bag at that fair. I hate rides that make me wanna throw up/get off now/make my head explode. Damn the man that wudn't stop the ride and let you off.
    The food's supposed to be greasy and expensive…that's how they afford their 2nd homes in Aruba.
    Ya like beards, eh baby???
    Try researching him on the internet…he's out there somewhere!

  • CarissaJaded

    umm i just realized that you actually gave me the email address…. that is actually weird. i don't know how you did that but thank you!!

  • thatkindofgirl

    Madam. Madam. I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about these letters.

    Thought the first: Beards. I dunno, dude. I'm not like super into my partner's mega-hygiene or anything like that, but beards are trouble. They're scratchy and smelly and the first time said dude eats a cannoli and gets powdered sugar in said beard, the relationship is over.

    Thought the second: in re: zombie shirt boy, dude, I am 100% there with you. I eventually just gave up on checking my texts after drinking. I'd rather not know what my Mr. Hyde self does when the good parts of me are, y'know, passed out. I've adopted a policy of forcibly quieting my friends when they threaten to tell me what an ass I've made of myself. Also, glad to see I'm not the only person who occasionally hops the Stalker Express to Crazy Towne (I'm, uh, a little obsessed with this phrase). I'm usually the one lurking behind a newspaper near the rear exit, keeping tabs on men who carry interesting books.

    Thought the third: God, isn't it the best when you meet up with d-nozzles from earlier in your life and note that the sands of time have RAVAGED THEM?! Schadenfreude is delicious.

  • CarissaJaded

    I've never really gotten the opportunity to get upclose and personal to a beardface' but I can see where they can get a little messy. I just imagined little popcorn kernels and velveeta shells stuck up in a beard that was coming in for a landing.

    Oh I totally do the same thing with my friends. I prefer not to have anything to do with my friends the morning after a night out because I would rather not know that I flashed my girly parts to twelve strangers or that I nearly fought a girl for cutting in line in front of me at Whataburger. And I never, Never check the text messages or call history. Everyone else can think I'm an ass… I'm the only one who REALLY counts.
    And “Stalker Express to Crazy Towne” is definitely a phrase I will be using, because, after all, I've already purchased a life-time pass for a first class ticket.

    And yes. Revenge really is served sweetest via a wrinkly face and balding hairline…

  • yoganinjamama

    *facepalm*

    you are one funnay bitch! in fact, let me just come out and say it: “i am already in love you”.

    haaahaaa :).

    OH. and i was really excited to see your john lennon necklace. he was sorta like jesus. but better. my second tattoo was “imagine” on my right forearm. it's big and black and all calligraphy, and 5 years later, i'm still in love with the tattoo.

    my third tatttoo was also a tribute to john lennon. i have “like a cloud beautiful sound” across the top of my back. it's the translation of the chop mark from his artwork.

    i think i made a loud excited noise when i saw the photo of your necklace. and i may have done a “fist pump”. i'm good at those, btw. i wrote a tutorial on the perfect fist pump.

    OH. and the llama love, i feel ya there too. currently one of my boy's favorite bed time stories is “llama llama red pajama”, which is a wonderful piece of literature, if i do say so myself.

  • http://awkwardchair.blogspot.com yoga ninja mama

    *facepalm*

    you are one funnay bitch! in fact, let me just come out and say it: “i am already in love you”.

    haaahaaa :).

    OH. and i was really excited to see your john lennon necklace. he was sorta like jesus. but better. my second tattoo was “imagine” on my right forearm. it's big and black and all calligraphy, and 5 years later, i'm still in love with the tattoo.

    my third tatttoo was also a tribute to john lennon. i have “like a cloud beautiful sound” across the top of my back. it's the translation of the chop mark from his artwork.

    i think i made a loud excited noise when i saw the photo of your necklace. and i may have done a “fist pump”. i'm good at those, btw. i wrote a tutorial on the perfect fist pump.

    OH. and the llama love, i feel ya there too. currently one of my boy's favorite bed time stories is “llama llama red pajama”, which is a wonderful piece of literature, if i do say so myself.