TMI Thursday: The itch that cannot be scratched

As the hilarious Lilu always says***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check back to Lilu’s Archives… You will laugh your ass off!

Ok people, you know the rules. If you are in any way related to me, have a high opinion of me, get grossed out easily, or most importantly- are of the male variety- it might be a good idea for you to leave now.

Like really…This one is not for ones who are easily grossed out… skiddadle!

Too far? Perhaps.

Yes indeed, kiddos- Today’s topic is…. Yeast Infections!!!

You hear that?

That was the sound of me losing about 300 Facebook friends and all of my followers on Twitter.

Oh well.

(Who am I kidding? Nowhere near that many people read this…)

If you are a woman, and have taken antibiotics or left a swimsuit on too long, you’ve probably had one. I am lucky enough to have only had a few, but my experience with them was bad enough that I have moved them up to #2 on the list of things that I would rather eat 7 boogers to avoid. (and I hate boogers with a passion.) I know there is nobody who enjoys them, (except for maybe a self-hating masochist) but I feel my hate affair with yeast infections is an especially passionate one.

I probably didn’t pay close enough attention in my Human sexuality class, because when I woke up one morning  and felt like a Queen fire ant had decided to settle her colony in the lower region of my body, the possibility that it could be a yeast infection didn’t even cross my mind. Of course I came to the conclusion that most naive girls would… that I had contracted some nasty, horrible, itching disease! I didn’t want to tell any of my friends about it, so I called my mother.

I was only a Junior in college at the time, and I think my parents still preferred to believe that my “true love waits” ring was planted firmly on my finger. This made it exceptionally difficult for me to tell my mother, between sobs, that not only was I a huge slut who had “done more than make out” with a boy, but I had also caught a disease that made me want to tear my eyeballs out of my head. She was surprisingly calm and made an appointment for me to see a doctor.

It only took a few minutes after my doctor checked out my lady bits, before she told me the diagnosis. I prepared my self for the worst.

After she told me, I was quiet for a few seconds as I let it all sink in.

A yeast infection?


I couldn’t even be happy that I wasn’t diseased, because I gave up my parent’s pristine view of myself… for a yeast infection???

Nevertheless, I picked up my medicine, went home and put it in, then spent the next 6 hours lying upside down on the couch with my feet up in the air, in hopes that that would expedite the process.

Since that day, I have vowed to go to great lengths to avoid experiencing the dreaded Y.I again. As I have told you before, I have a teensy bit of an obsession with Web MD. You’d be surprised at all the useful  interesting information out there to prevent Y.I’s .. Plus  it makes me feel better to know I’m being pro-active. I make sure I remove any wet bathing suits as soon as I get out of the water. I even change after a hard work out. I try to eat a diet rich with yogurt and miso soup. I take AZO yeast prevention pills, Pro biotic supplements, and Cranberry pills.

This picture was taken a few weeks ago at a bar. These are items that go everywhere with me.
This picture was taken a few weeks ago at a bar. These items were in my purse.

(Yes, I’m aware that I probably shouldn’t follow the home remedies I read on the internet, nor do I need to take so many pills a day… but who am I not to take advice from strangers?)

In case your curious, I have also found some options on the internets for home remedy just in case you do get a case of the “rip out my vajayjay-sies.”

*Honey… You’re supposed to essentially smear it on your netherlands. From what I can tell, it doesn’t do anything but make your legs stick together. But it does smell delicious.

*Vinegar… poured into the bathtub. It doesn’t do a damn thing except make your whole body smell like a foot.

*Yogurt… You’re supposed to put it in there.  I don’t even really like to put yogurt in my mouth all that much.

*Hydrogen Peroxide... I use hydrogen peroxide nightly in my mouth and it kind of bubbles.  hmmm….

*Garlic… Keeping out vampires and yeast infections since 1703. (but you also have to put this shiz up there.)

Whatever you do ladies, no matter how crazy you may feel… Do not, I repeat DO NOT reach for the round brush on your bed side table.

*** I just realized that this was the second TMI that I have posted about devastating events involving my wa-nana where I had to cry to my mamma. Neither my relationship with my mother, nor my relationship with my lady parts are usually so dramatic.

And in other completely unrelated “Too Much Information” news, today when I was taking a shower, I noticed that I have seriously been neglecting mowing my upper thighs. I mean seriously, if I were to show you a picture (I won’t! You’re welcome!)- you would definitely think I were a man right now. It is definitely time for a little upper leg maintenance.

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  4. TMI Thursday: Thank God for friends, to hell with enemas!
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  • Pingback: TMI Thursday: My New Favorite TP is Called “Babbling Brook” | Livit, Luvit()

  • Matt_J

    I would caution against the hydrogen peroxide up there method. I can only imagine the fire of a thousand burning suns feeling that would induce.

    If you do go the H2O2 route, be sure to use the dilute stuff (3%) because the 30% solution is explosive.

  • LiLu

    You could not pay me enough to put yogurt up my snatch. That is all.

  • thatkindofgirl

    Dude, I so dislike yeast infections. For some reason, I always only get them when I'm getting my annual pap — but they're never full-blown enough for me to notice. Inevitably, I'll be worried about getting the herp or vaguely suspect I might be preggers (oops) and then get a worried message from my gyno later telling me to: “Call back. There's something we need to tell you.”

    Come on, guys! It's just a damn yeast infection!

  • Kirsten

    Y.I. – I can sooo relate. Had them most of my teen and adult life. I am pretty sure my DH would like the honey!

  • lralln9

    I would like to see the contraption that would need to be invented in order to get all of that stuff up there…. Hmmm. I'm getting ideas already.

  • scarletbegonias

    When working at a hleath food store in college, I once had a lady come in looking for Y.I. remedies. While I was directing her she told me she tried putting a glove of garlic up her vag and it “burned like hell.” Needless to say that is one method I will never be trying myself.

  • CarissaJaded

    That's kind of what I was thinking. but it does seem like the cleanest method!

  • CarissaJaded

    I especially wouldn't try the kind with the fruit in it…

  • CarissaJaded

    oh the dreaded call back from the gyno. they might as well just show up at my door with an orchestra playing the Darth Vader theme from star wars.

  • CarissaJaded

    I actually did try the honey method. It felt… interesting… to say the least!

  • CarissaJaded

    mmmm. I would love some greek food right now. greek salad… maybe a Gyro.

  • Sherri

    Okay, first of all, you are the cutest person ever. Really.
    Secondly, I've never had a yeast infection so I could be wrong, but Hydrogen Peroxide? YIKES. My girly-part just retreated up into my… well, deeper girly-parts.

  • CarissaJaded

    oh. good to know. I was kind of thinking that sounded like one of the better home remedies. I know you can also take garlic pills to prevent from getting one, or so I hear…

  • CarissaJaded

    Sherri you're too nice!

    ha, right? What I want to know, is who was crazy enough to try these out in the first place. Like one day some chick was like…”my vag itches.. maybe it would help to put a little butter on it… nope that didn't work.. maybe squeeze cheeze…. nope, Oh I know- Garlic!”

  • significantowl

    I finally got my lazy butt over here from That's Tangly, and I am glad I did, because I've been giggling an awful lot. I'm definitely adding you to my reader! :)

    Now, back to the topic at hand – I also thought I had contracted some sort of horrible disease the first time I had a yeast infection, so I went to outpatients – I couldn't handle waiting several days to see my family doctor. After telling the nurse something was wrong 'down there' she goes to talk to the doctor before he comes in. A few minutes later he comes in…and he's young and incredibly handsome, just completing his residency. We had a lovely chat about the book I had brought with me, and then he asked if it was ok if he examined me… so Dr. Handsome had a look at my poor yeasty bits, wrote me a prescription and sent me on my way, mildly embarrased and thinking about how that is not the way to meet cute doctors. I was a server in a cheesy restaurant back then, and a week after my hospital visit I had a new table in my section – and at this new table was Dr. Handsome. I forced another server to take it and hid out in the kitchen for while. I just couldn't do it – Hello good looking man who has seen my vagina, here's your burger, enjoy your meal, oh and by the way thanks for clearing up my yeast infection, those pills worked a treat? – Nope, couldn't do it.

  • thebareessentialstoday

    Wow, with all those remedies in your purse, you must have had a really rough experience with yeast monster. Thankfully I haven't had one in a really long time (I just feel the yeast forming as I type this.)

  • CarissaJaded

    Oh nooooo hahahaha ! That is a great story though! So maybe a little worth it? Thanks so much for coming by!

  • Carissa Jade

    haha.. I think I'm just a little paranoid. If I had health insurance I would probably be at the dr everyday. Probably half the times I had one it was “fear induced.”

  • CandiceW

    Were all those items ACTUALLY in your purse?!

    I think I'd rather tell my BOSS about an STD before I'd call my mother.

  • Ms. Terri

    Honey?? Well, you could always get the kind that comes in those little straws. That would make for some easy application!

  • Carissa Jade

    Oh yes. I carry a big purse. I'm kind of a vitamin-junkie…

    Oh I'm pretty sure I was in a state of panic when I called her…

  • Carissa Jade

    hmm…good call! I would like to see that marketing campaign!

  • complicatedv

    Hmm…I'm a little weary of putting garlic up there. It might forever turn me off from Italian food – and I do love me some zuppa. And vinegar in the bathtub? Yeah, no thanks. I spend a lot of money on perfume so as not to smell like a foot. Thanks for stopping by my blog today!

  • spleeness

    haha! The first time I had one, it was absolute torture. I remember wanting to stuff some dynamite right up there and just be done with the whole thing. You captured the agony perfectly!

  • kathryn

    Well, the guys are just gonna LOVE this topic.

    Yet, we've all been there….too often. Just another reason I enjoy being a giiirl…..
    Thank God they came out w/OTC stuff when it does hit…no more doctor visits.

    Poor US…it never ENDS!

  • CarissaJaded

    Thank you in return! I also cannot imagine putting a clove of garlic up there. Especially if it has the same effect as it does on my breath!

  • CarissaJaded

    Well thank you! Just thinking about this today has gotten that Kings of Leon song “This sex is on fire” in my head. But instead of the word sex, it is the word vag. Truly disturbing.

  • CarissaJaded

    I'm hoping the guys left at the warning… And thank goodness I now know what it feels like so I don't have to go running to the dr!

  • Daffy

    I'm SO with you on this and I would like to execute a swift kick to your shin for not getting your first YI until your juinor year in college. I think – no, I KNOW, there was one year of my whole life that I actually had a YI every other month. I KNOW… stop thinking that… I wasn't a pole dancer… turns out I was an undiagnosed diabetic…but thats not the point…the point is that I'm totally with ya on being a HATER and I presently have the rip out my vajayjay disease. Haven't had on in probably two years. DAMN it sucks! BIG HAIRY IN GROWN FUGUSED TOENAIL TOE JAM! FO REAL!

    Oh, and for some reason I can never reply to the comments you leave on my blog. I get the no-replycomment thingie and it makes me sad. Your comments rock!

  • Belle

    Is it weird that I'm hungry now?