TMI Thursday: My pee pee is pooping!!


As posted by Lilu: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

(Make sure you check out Lilu’s  TMI Thursday archives, to read some of the funniest stories you never wanted to hear.)

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Well, since last week I managed to mortify my recent self with a period story, I decided this week to take a stab at a much younger, much more naive version of myself.

The summer after fourth grade, my parents decided to let me go visit some family in New Mexico for a couple of weeks to celebrate my tenth birthday. When we arrived at the airport, I remember telling my parents that my stomach hurt. My mom assured me that I was just having “first flight jitters,” and that as soon as I got there I would feel just fine.

Was she ever wrong! I remember feeling like complete butt (the 9 yr old me wouldn’t have said “I feel like shit or ass”) for the first few days. All I wanted to do was curl up on the bed in pain, and I had no idea why I was dying inside. Why had I thought it was a good idea to go on vacation without my parents?

I tried really hard to act as if everything was ok. I forced myself to go on bike rides and to join in games of football, even though it felt like someone  was jabbing a pogo-stick  up my hoo-ha. I was with my boy cousins and was going through a bit of a tom-boy stage, I didn’t want them to think I was a prissy girl.

About two days after I got there, I was crouched over on the toilet in pain. After I managed to squeeze a little pee out, and I wiped (front to back, just as I was taught.) Then, just as any other normal human does, I took a looksy at the toilet paper before I dropped it in the pot. I remember a feeling of dread passing through my body, even when I first saw it.

Fuck me sideways! (I would have actually said something more along the lines of Holy uh-oh Batman! )

There was totally poop coming out of my pee pee hole!!

I checked several times to make sure I hadn’t mistakenly number two-ed a little bit. Nope, the back end was clean as a whistle.

I may have been young, but I knew something wasn’t right. I also knew there was some sort of connection between the feeling that my uterus was trying to jump out of my vagina, and the fact that my vajayjay was having a horrible case of diarrhea.

Over the next few days, it only got worse. Every time I went to the restroom, I would see the dreaded brown poop spots in my panties. I was in a state of panic. I didn’t want anyone to find out that I was plagued with something that made poop come out the wrong hole, so I denied my strange behavior, stating that I was just home-sick.

Every time I went to the restroom, I would remove my soiled panties, crumple them up into a tight wad, and tuck them into the large pocket on the front of my suitcase.

At the ripe age of  (nearly) ten years old, I began spending a  good portion of my day excavating my private areas, searching for a reason why in God’s name this could be happening to me.  This may have been the beginning of my current recently conquered state of hypochondria, but I began to obsess over what kind of disease would cause my vagina to doo doo.

After a few days, things returned back to normal and I was able to actually enjoy my birthday.

A month later I was back at school, having a grand ole time- when it came back. Once again, I was in fear of  dying, but mostly I was scared that someone would discover  that I was a freak of nature.

For the next few months every time  my symptoms would return, I would carefully tuck my dirty underwear away into my suitcase to ensure no one would accidentally come across them. I took to folding up toilet paper and and putting it in the crotch of my underwear to yield some of the damage. I never let on to my friends or family that I was probably dying from a poopie vagina. It wasn’t until around Thanksgiving when my family was getting to ready to go out of town again,  that the truth finally came out.

When my mother approached me carrying my suitcase in one hand, and an armload of panties in the other- I immediately burst into tears.

“MOMMMMMYY !!! I’m so sorrry!!! I’m so sorry!!!! I’m dyyy-sob-ing!!!”

She hugged me and tried to calm me down. When I was finally composed enough to talk, she asked me why I thought I was dying.

“I poop out my peepee hole…. not all the time… I didn’t want to tell you…”

My mother smiled and gave me a huge hug while I stood there confused.

mom:“Honey, you’re not dying, and that’s not poop. You’ve just become a woman! You’ve started your period!

And this, my friends, is why I am a huge advocate of sex-education in Elementary School. Do your kids a favor, tell them about the birds and the bees before they convince themselves that they crap out their pee-holes.

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  • http://livitluvit.com/ LiLu

    Oh my lord.

    I totally missed the part where you said you were nine…

    And thought you had elephant gonorrhea.

    (Like swine flu, but way grosser)

  • mylittlebecky

    aaww, that's so heartbreaking… poor little niney

  • CarissaJaded

    Nonono hahah, I was a little worried I didn't make it clear..Maybe I need a huge disclaimer at the top…

  • CarissaJaded

    Its all good. I'm pretty much over it, only think about it.. like once every two days. :)

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    Gah!! I'm so glad this ended up being your period. I thought the story was going in the direction of “and I was SO embarrassed that I never told anyone till this day!” and I was going to have to scream at you and give you a lecture about going to the hospital RIGHT NOW. Phew… :) Glad your pee hole is only doing the normal stuff.

  • http://www.booshy.wordpress.com/ Jessica

    TEN!?!? You started at TEN?

    I am…really sorry. I started at like…16. I know. I'm weird that way…still am, actually…

    Oh, and we've created a whole “buff-tober” page…to keep you abreast… :)

    http://www.booshy.wordpress.com

  • deeptesh

    ooooooooooo….interesting…really….n innocent.C my blog too.

    http://www.deepteshpoetry.blogspot.com

  • http://www.twitter.com/todayatwork Jake

    Umm, LOL, I have a question… Just how many pairs of panties did you have? I know these days you're lucky to have like 4 then it's totally Commando for Carissa; so if you were throwing them in the good ole' suitcase, didn't you run out?

  • thebareessentialstoday

    Aww, that was endearing and I'm sure kind of scary for you as well. My parents didn't talk to me about my period either…pretty old skool!

  • CarissaJaded

    yeah, way too early. luckily i got boobs then too! Im def. in on Bufftober, God knows I need some inspiration! The weather starts turning and all I want to do is curl up in bed!!

  • http://monkeytoesnus.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    Hello, came here by way of Lilu…

    OMG, poor you. And although that was hilarious, I can honestly say I had the same thing happen to me. Not fun. 😉 So I sympathize.

    Great blog you have here, by the way! :)

  • CarissaJaded

    Rather than the 3 for $25 Victoria Secret panties that I now love, back then it was more of the 7 for $6 days of the week variety.

  • CarissaJaded

    scary yes! I guess they thought they had a few years before they had to go through that talk.. Parent FAIL.

  • CarissaJaded

    oh, im glad too. that would have been really bad had the story turned that direction.. especially at age 9.

  • FallenAngel915

    Oh, you POOR THING…starting your period at NINE?!

    But maybe this will make you feel better; I work at a medical call center, and I remember a woman called up here and said that she was literally pooping out of her vagina. Yep. Literally. Pooping. Out. of. Her. Vagina. It turned out she had a rectal prolapse.

    Feel better?

  • CarissaJaded

    OMG!!! oh no that is awful!! I had no idea it was a real condition. I'm thanking my lucky stars right now! Thank you! that did make me feel better!

  • http://quirky.nu/ Carli

    Oh GOD! You poor thing! What a horrible way to find out about the magical nature of women.

    (I only had the period talk with my Mom because I accused her of having a weak bladder because there were pads in the garbage)

  • empathy

    I came over here after seeing your comment on hyperboleandahalf. Her story had me laughing and yours had me crying. My experience was similar to your most of all. I bet lots of people tried hiding it from everyone, but growing up you just think everyone else did it right and knew what was going on. I don't think I ever ended up having a talk with my mom, who was doing a lot of coke at the time. I borrowed femanine products from my dad's girlfriend. I even had an older sister who never talked about it! Ug! I won't be as “crunchy” as Allie's mom, but I hope I can do it right (and less traumatic) for my kids.

  • http://twitter.com/NikkiM1976 Nicole Miodus

    Wow, I am late to the pooping pee hole party, but…Carissa, we could be sisters you and I.

    I started mine at 11. And I thought the same thing. “why is there poop where the pee should be?”

    I didn't wait a month though…I was screaming for my mom immediately. And then she of course called everyone in the family to tell them that I was a “woman” now.

    I died of embarrassment that day.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LUNNKMP6WW3K2MJ4ZYJUHTQU2Y athikities supabiola

    The Gonorrhea is very dangerous, but you can protect it easy. I was found great website to advice you at http://www.treatmentforgonorrhea.com/

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/LUNNKMP6WW3K2MJ4ZYJUHTQU2Y athikities supabiola

    The Gonorrhea is very dangerous, but you can protect it easy. I was found great website to advice you at http://www.treatmentforgonorrhea.com/

  • http://catfest.wordpress.com Catfest

    Awful! I, too, found you through Hype&1/2. Found that through CakeWrecks. I was a nine-year-old “woman” myself :/ I never understood that part. Yes, I was technically able to have babies, but NO THANKS! Even now. I just have the fur kind and loves ’em dearly.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003158528310 Kayla Rawson

    im 13 and i still havent had my period :(

  • Queene

    This was a creative writing,could have done without the language. The story had enough substance in it , it did not require the profanity. Maybe you should sell this story, I thought it was funny, cute, yet enlighting for parents to stay on top of things when it comes to sex, periods etc…

  • Ebbrownie606

    Wheni first started my period i thought i didnt wipe my but comepletey and it was in my undies i changed my undies and it happend again then i realized i started my period.

  • Xxmissxxlaciexx

    I was nine or 10 when I started in fourth grade I told my teacher so I called my mom from school and told her so yeah my teacher was so happy