TMI Thursday: (My birthday present to my best friend) It was a dark and stormy night…


As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site today for her special post secret TMI edition, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

***Carissajaded here. As today is my best friend LA’s Birthday, and I am poor, I granted her the only wish I could. Oh yes, I have handed my blog over and given her the opportunity of a lifetime, to tell the most embarrassing story she can about me. And she knows a lot. I am not allowed to edit this story in any way. I now hand the mic over to LA!

It might have been a regular hungover Sunday afternoon.  Either way, it’s a great story.

I should take this one small moment to say, this is not a CarissaJaded.  I was given an opportunity today to “guest blog” because it’s my birthday. I’m taking full advantage.  Karma is a bitch.

And without further ado… I need to start at the beginning.

We had a friend who was soon to be married.  I know, I know… To many, that’s the scariest part of the story – it gets better – trust me.

We, of course, did what every best friend does and threw a bachelorette party.  To mix things up, we decided to go to the River Walk in San Antonio, TX.  There were 8 of us in total and I will leave it up to your imagination as to whom the star of this story is.  However, this is obviously CJade’s blog so I’ll go ahead and make the point that she was definitely a witness to what happened (insert dubious smile here).

It was a wonderful night filled with stories about exes, “do you remember the time you”, and about twenty or so shots.  You know?  The norm.  At around 2am we went back to the hotel because it was closing time.  Everyone, of course, cozied in for the night.  (Note to the reader: I may or may not have omitted some key moments that occurred this evening.  Excessive drinking may or may not have occurred after 2am.  Because I have not chosen to write a blog about my life, I do not necessarily want to share those things with the world.  I am, however, giving you the option to read between the lines and use your imagination about what could have possibly happened… until around say…5am that following Sunday morning.)

We all awoke that Sunday, hungover and wishing we were dead bright eyed and bushy tailed.  It was a 3 and 1/2 hour drive northward – not a big deal- and we were all at that point in a vacation where you just want to be home.  This is when it gets scary.

We had an hour left to go.  Wait, did I forget to mention that at hour 2 we stopped at the “Beef Jerky Farm” to buy a pound of habanero beef jerky?  Who wouldn’t?  Duh!

We’re cruising right along (45 minutes left) when I notice that something isn’t right.  My nostrils are twitching. They have somehow caught wind of something that my brain has yet to catch up to.  It’s unmistakable.  It’s a fart.  Yes, I said it.  It’s a fart.

I immediately do what EVERY person does when one is laid in their car.  I roll down the windows and yell.  “Eeeeew!!!! You are soooo disgusting!!!  You have to warn me before you do that!!!  What did you eat (habenero beef jerky)???”  And after a few seconds of us laughing and fake vomiting, I roll up the windows.

The windows are up.

My nose begins to twitch again.

I’m confused.

I look at her curiously.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

She looks at me with a look of horror.  “OH MY GOD!”

The look is unmistakable.  In that one instant I knew what she could not say.

I yell, “LIFT UP! LIFT UP! DO NOT SIT ON MY SEAT!”

She says, “PULL OVER! PULL OVER!”

I say, “GET SOMETHING! PUT SOMETHING UNDERNEATH YOU!”

And I did.  I pulled over to the nearest exit.  And she did.  She grabbed the paper sack the beef jerky came in.

I should also mention that there is a third party in the backseat at this time, the bachelorette, who has been laughing so hard that her her shrieks and tears could easily be mistaken for those of someone in labor.  Mine however, could not be.  I was of course, very worried about my light beige cloth seats.  Neither one of us, the bachelorette or myself, are of any help at all.  All I can do is yell and shove my passenger from my car.  All the soon-to-be-married girl can do is gasp between her laughter and tears.

And this is where the story ends my friends.  I pulled over at the closest, yet most inconvenient place.  She got out and changed her pants using my car door and the nearby dumpster as her cover.  We met our friends who were driving in front of us (and wondering about the hold up) at the Chili’s that was an exit ahead of us.  “She” passed on the queso they’d just ordered.  Amidst her embarrassed tears and nervous laughter she retold the story just as I’ve now told you.

I love you friend for allowing me to put this story out for all to read.  And oh yeah, you deserve it.

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  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    As much as I hate to do this, I should also mention that the paper bag also had to double as toilet paper…

    AND, I had been begging for her to pull the car over for about an hour, but everyone was in too big of a hurry and insisted that I could hold it… so in a way, you asked for it!

  • badassgeek

    Wow. Just… wow.

  • http://megsrantsandramblings.blogspot.com/ meg

    hahahaha, that is feckin hilarious!! (sorry carissa…)

  • http://www.phronk.com phronk

    Oh. Wow.

    See, this is why I don't fart.

    P.S. In the part where we had to read between the lines, all I saw was hours of hot lesbian action. Leaving things up to our imagination is not always the best idea.

  • http://livitluvit.com/ LiLu

    “…who has been laughing so hard that her her shrieks and tears could easily be mistaken for those of someone in labor.”

    Best. Description. EVER!!!

  • JustMeDammit

    I can't imagine eating beef jerky after being hungover. I might poop my pants right now thinking about it.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Yeah.. just one more reason I don't fart. I'm gonna have to tell my granpa story on here i guess for the main one…

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Yes. Huge, HUGE road trip- FAIL.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I don't recall anything except for the voice in my head (and probably out side of it) chanting OH SHIT.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Its ok, it happens to everyone… right?

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    thanks. just… thanks. :)

  • http://www.mylittlebecky.com mylittlebecky

    that's a good 'un! sorry about your butt. :)

  • CandiceW

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    You have the BEST FRIENDS EVER for laughing about this and not banning you from their presence forever. I really want to come hang out with you guys.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    thanks, its all better now.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Best friends, like the one telling this story??

    No really, I do.

    AND YOU TOTALLY SHOULD! Next travel trip for Candice: Dallas.

  • leethehotflashqueen

    That is hysterical!! I'm following!!

  • http://www.ftcs.wordpress.com/ Clevelandpoet

    oh that was epic. I think almost every road trip has one of these or some very near misses.

  • ktcotton

    I've heard this story before and still laughed so hard I cried! Nice job LA and Happy Birthday!

  • Awood

    This should make a good topic for discussion Saturday night! Be sure to clean yourself out before the drive back to Dallas on Sunday!!!

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    You are SO BRAVE to open up your blog to someone that knows this kind of stuff about you… actually, you're brave to be her friend still. The lines that we were supposed to read between… totally innocent pillow fights? Right?

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    haha thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Very true. You just don't want to be the one with the s-hit.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I'm so glad this story can finally expand past our group of friends. Awesome.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Ohhh lets just leave it here…. I mean, what kind of person tells other people's poop stories on a saturday night? Oh yeah me.

    Hence why this was even written.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Haha I have no recollection of what she's talking about. Honestly! which probably isn't a great thing.

    You and Nel kind of do the same thing with your blog! But you probably get to approve it first!

  • http://www.belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Nel

    AMAZING. Seriously, that is the most incredible story I have ever heard. My face is maroon from laughing so hard!

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Now, that's one for the sweet story books.

    Aww….you all sound so sweet and….innocent…and…and pure.

    NOT.

    Wow. I may never look at beef jerky the same again.

  • CarissaJaded

    glad to amuse!

  • CarissaJaded

    ha, now how is accidentally shitting yourself NOT sweet and innocent? Ok i get your point.

  • http://twitter.com/insomniaclolita Andhari Sidharta

    LOL omg I cant wait to really do a long road trip with my friends so I can witness this stuff happening, hopefully not to me. So hilarious!

  • FallenAngel915

    OMG…how embarrassing! I've puked my ever-lovin' guts out while drunk before, but never sharted! But uh…WHY on earth would one eat Habanero beef jerky when drunk?

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    As someone living with Crohn's Disease, welcome to my world.
    Your friend could have made this MUCH worse and I feel she did an excellent job of making it *just* embarrassing enough without making you want to shoot your face off.

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    As someone living with Crohn's Disease, welcome to my world.
    Your friend could have made this MUCH worse and I feel she did an excellent job of making it *just* embarrassing enough without making you want to shoot your face off.

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