As posted by LiLu: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
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I’m not usually the type of girl who likes to kiss and tell. O.K., that’s a lie. But I’m not the type of girl who likes to talk about sexual experiences all over internets, especially on a site that my parents frequent. So today I’m going to tell you a story that happened to a, ahem, friend of mine.
Once upon a time there was a girl named… lets call her “Cari.”
She was young and naive and only a Sophomore in college. Although she was not quite twenty-one, Cari had just began to get the full extent of how crazy night life in college could really be.
One night, Cari went to a bar with some friends. She had been kind of talking to a guy (lets call him Dave) who worked at a local bar, which was kind of awesome because he could sneak her drinks. By kind of talking, I mean that they had made out once or twice, but had yet to take it beyond first base.
At the time, Cari was still pretty naive when it came to sexual experiences. She had kissed her share of boys, but was not the kind of girl to go home with almost strangers.
This night, because of the ridiculous amount of drinks that she sneakily inhaled, she decided to make an exception.
Dave was quite a bit older and willing to take the drunken Cari back to his house to take care of her. He was quite the gentleman and even stopped to get Cari lemon lime Gatorade on the way to his house.
Once they got there, things got a little hot and heavy. Not to the point of actual intercourse, but to the point where clothes were taken off.
It was around this point that Cari passed out into a dark and dreamless sleep.
She woke up very early in the morning with a horrible cramp in her stomach. It was not the type of cramp that could be mistaken. She really had to take a shit.
At this point, Cari was still laying on her side under the covers. She wanted to try to sneak out of bed and into the bathroom so that Dave wouldn’t wake up to the sound of her using the restroom. She could feel his presence right behind her, and hear the sounds of his heavy snoring behind her head. She shifted to try to move without disturbing the hairy man next to her.
As she did, she noticed something very strange.
“What in the hell is that!?” she thought as she started to panic. It seemed to Cari, that there was something lightly resting upon her butt cheek.
“Nononononononono! This cannot be happening!” Cari thought as she tried to figure out a game plan.
You see, the pain in Cari’s stomach was so intense, that she had come to the conclusion that she must have laid a turd in this strange harry man’s bed. What else would be resting gently against her butt cheek?
She thought maybe she should just run out of the door, hitchhike back to her apartment, then convince her parents to let her transfer schools.
Tears came to poor Cari’s eyes as she realized that she had really done it. Her life was over. She was about to leave all of her new friends, and all because she decided to get drunk and poop in a well known bartender’s bed.
“There has to be another way,” Cari thought…. “AHA! Maybe I can just scoop it up and throw it in the trash without him noticing!”
Cari knew that this would be very difficult. From what she could tell, it was still in it’s solid form. She had been very careful not to lean back and damage it in anyway.
She finally gathered up the courage to very carefully reach behind her back and scoop it up.
Very slowly and carefully, Cari scooted her hand underneath the poop, hoping with all of her heart that she would not leave any remains behind.
It was in that moment that Cari made the best discovery of her life.
What she held in her hand was not in fact a turd… it was in fact, just Dave’s penis.
Cari quickly woke Dave up and made him drive her home, where she was able to use the restroom in the privacy of her own bathroom.
And they all lived happily ever after.