Sometimes at night I like to dress up like a woman.

First off, I want to give a great big huge boobies against your chest hug to all of you who have been coming back repeatedly and commenting. Thank you thank you thank you!!! I feel like I’m still trying to find my voice, and I know my posts are full of typos and grammatical errors… I’m kind of lazy, and for that, I’m even more grateful that people other  than my parents are reading this. Call me naive or completely oblivious- but when I started this, I had no idea that there was this  wonderful blog world out there, chock full of people for me to become obsessed with and stalk. No seriously, I am obsessed completely enthralled with your lives. It seriously restores my faith in humans to know that there are so many hilarious, compassionate, and talented people out there.

I’m still trying to figure out blogging, more specifically WordPress, and I finally started my site’s makeover last night. Tell me what you think! It still needs a few adjustments, but I have to give a huge thanks you to my friend L.A. for the header, and my roommate D.  for helping me with the technical side of things. As soon as I figure out how, I will put up one of those blog roll thingies with all of your sites on it. I’m also apparently in dire need of a RSS feed button, so if anyone has any input on how to do so, please let me know! I’m completely in the dark about all this technological bull crap!

OK. I’m done with my moment of sap.

Now for what I really want to talk about today.

Women do not go to sleep nor wake up looking like they are about to go to freaking prom!!!

Movies have always had a way of misrepresenting women. I can overlook most of these stereotypes, but this one in particular is really starting to get on my frickin nerves!!!

Women in film always go to sleep in pretty gowns. They swoop their hair up and pin it into place, where it stays put all night long. Their just applied makeup never smears to make them look like a zombie raccoon. And they never have to put zit cream on their face or retainers on their teeth.

I feel it is my duty to disclose to any of you men who might be reading this, who have constantly been disappointed with the way your partners look when they go to sleep, or even more so, when they wake up. If you’re searching for a lady that looks like a “lady” 24 hours a day. You are shit out of luck.

I’m sure there are some exceptions out there. There are probably some women who brush their hair  fifty strokes before they go to sleep. There are probably some women who go to sleep in their makeup and somehow manage to wake up without looking like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands. And I am positive that there are some women who go out and purchase nice teddies and silk gowns to sleep in, especially in the beginning of a relationship.

As for me-most of my sleep clothes are stained, bleached, and belong in the trashcan.

My favorite sleep attire is actually a mustard yellow sweatshirt that goes down to my knees, and I have been wearing it since I was in the 3rd grade. The 3rd freakin grade. Back then it was a pretty yellow sweat dress that went down to my ankles. These days, I have chewed holes for my thumbs to go through, and there are spots on it that I do not want to identify. It has been washed so many times that it’s practically paper thin. It’s almost to the point where I’m afraid to sleep in it for fear that it will tear if I make a sudden movement.

Other choice nighties include a pair of my sister’s old shorts paired with my “I love Dinosaurs” t-shirt (L.A. said she had the same shorts in fifth grade,) my NSYNC concert tee with a pair of thin paint-covered cut- off pants (my mother has thrown these away at least 7 times but I refuse to give them up,) and an old black ankle length gown that must have been one of my mother’s maternity gowns- because it is a size XXL.

I have taken to showering before I go to sleep so that I don’t have to hassle with blow drying my hair. For this reason, I usually wake up looking like something that has recently been electrocuted.

I really try to be consistent about washing my face and taking off my makeup, but I will admit that I sometimes leave this task for the morning. This sometimes causes me to wake up and literally scare myself.

I have to admit though, that every once in a while… probably about once a month, I let those damn movie stereotypes get the best of me. I feel a little stir in my stomach and I want to feel like Claudette Colbert in “It Happened one Night,” or Audrey Hepburn in every movie she ever made. Even though I’m single and don’t have anyone I’m trying to impress, I sometimes want to pull out the silk nighty that is stuffed at the bottom of my underwear drawer. I blow dry my hair and will even go to the trouble of straightening it, while looking at myself in the mirror and singing Bye Bye Birdie’s “How lovely to Be a Woman.” I prance to my perfectly made bed and fluff  up the pillow before I put my night shades over my pristine face.

But only every once in a while.

Last year for Halloween, I went as Regan MacNeil from the Exorcist.

Which is pretty much what I look like most days upon waking up.

Related posts:

1. Why I’m a terrible woman and don’t care…
2. That time I almost beat a woman to death with frozen chicken…
3. How Lovely to Be a Woman? I think not.
4. Notes from the other night
5. Late Last Night While You Were Asleep….