Just trying to be helpful


I know I’m a little late posting, but better late than never right?

First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.


“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

carissamustache

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

James Franco
Image by danzden via Flickr


“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.


“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.



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  • http://megsrantsandramblings.blogspot.com/ meg

    hahaha, “a dying bird on the road bit my feet”….amazing!! that made me laugh for a long time. i never get hilarious search terms like these!!

  • http://matthewjenks.blogspot.com/ Matt_J

    There's apparently a site where you are challenged to do stupid shit and film it for others to watch.

    Eating a spoonful of pure cinnamon is one of those challenges.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I seriously have no idea how that one led someone here! Intriguing!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Yeah, I think that is where my friend who dared me to do it got the idea. i wish it had been filmed… maybe then it would be worth it!

  • http://mwaonline.blogspot.com/ Mwa

    Love this post. Love it. Tried to narrow it down to a favourite bit, but couldn't. Great stuff.

  • http://livitluvit.com/ LiLu

    “free pant pee poo movies”

    How on earth was that not me?

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    gracious muchahas! I dunno.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    hahaha it probably was!

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    OMG…this was hilarious!! Did you SERIOUSLY get all these as google hits? What the hell is wrong with these people??
    Sagging boobs? Burning diarrhea? Swallowing cinnamon? Has the world gone mad??

    By the looks of these searches, I'd have to say “YES.”

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    How honored you must be by these searches!! I really want to try the cinnamon spoonful challenge, as ignorant as that is, what with the mounting evidence telling me HORRIBLE IDEA. And also, James Franco is waaaay more hot when he's all dirty and grungy lookin'.

  • CarissaJaded

    I would have to agree… although it made me laugh that today I had several more hits from people trying to construct saggy boobs. Must be a popular Halloween costume addition.

  • CarissaJaded

    Welll…. I can't condone it, but I can't blame you for wanting to try. (it was a little fun and a lot of funny. i lied) Even after I did it another guy who watched me nearly choke to death tried it for himself…

  • CandiceW

    Hahahahahaha I started laughing when I reached the moustache picture and didn't stop until … actually I'm still laughing. Pee hole dropping to vagina? That's just…wow…terrible.

  • willfromgetit2gether

    I love that episode of scrubs! Its got the ever popular guy love song on there as well that me and my friends sing at bars to make other people uncomfortable!

  • justjp

    Hang in there with the drinking, I made it 35 days, then went on a bender.

  • CarissaJaded

    oh yes. that mustache pic is from a while back and a real winner. hahhaha… i guess I can laugh about i to, especially since one of my friends made it into magnets and handed them out to people afterwards.

  • CarissaJaded

    oh the musical ep is my favorite.. “its guy love, don't compromise… theres nothing gay about it in our eyes….. ” such a classic moment in television.

  • CarissaJaded

    thanks for the good words! I think I can do it 2 more, then go on a mini-bender!!

  • http://twitter.com/insomniaclolita Andhari Sidharta

    bahahaa those are sick. Especially about hairy ass and saggy boobs? People are really disturbed!

  • CandiceW

    Seriously?! I love your friends

  • lralln9

    That picture of you with the mustache is still one of my favorite pictures of all time… Still makes me laugh every time.

  • http://bellyshirts.wordpress.com/ Kirsten

    oh my gosh you have SUCH good search terms. I'm highly jealous. Mine arent that great yet. I just keep getting ones for “hot guys in belly shirts”.. dont think that exists..sadly.

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    PLEASE write something about your feet and be sure to mention sex in the same post. It will bring you a whole new readership you never knew existed.