EFFF My life- A visual presentation.

It’s one of those days where I really just cannot think straight.

I have either gone out of town or had really big plans the last few weekends- and I’m not sure my body can take any more. I haven’t been able to afford the time or money to get a vaccination to void off the aporkalypse  and I’m a little afraid I’m getting ill, but even more afraid that this lack of sleep is sending me on the fast track to my own personal zombie apocalypse.

I don’t even think that made sense.

But dude, if I really was in the zombie apocalypse, I would frickin love to mow down some zombies! Ever since I saw Zombieland I have imagined that every person on the side of the road is a zombie, and it is my personal duty to smash them into jelly!

I wonder if it is really true that cows and llamas can mate and make hybrid “cammas” that are so stupid that they have to be put out of their misery…

Ooooh! I should see if my roommates want to make a fort in the  living room tonight and eat cheese and crackers for dinner.

Yes…  this is what my brain has been doing to me all week. I’m just going to quit thinking now. But I won’t leave you with just a mumble jumble of a post, because if you are here and still reading, then you deserve to see something of worth… so I’ll do my best.

In light of my new tradition of FML Fridays,  I now present to you with a few images of the hurricane that is my life, that I feel that you should see if we are going to be friends.

If you don’t want to waste your time seeing boring ass pictures that depict how disgusting I am, I suggest you skip to the bottom of this post, where I will truly mortify myself with a video or two.

First, I introduce you to the way that I live… my room.

I mmeannn… the way it just happens to look right now.

My room has been hit. By hurricane me. Sooo sad.
My room has been hit. By hurricane me. Sooo sad.

I swear it’s not usually this bad, and honestly it is driving me crazy. I’m going to have to spend a good amount of lovin with my room this weekend.

It doesn’t stop there, welcome to my closet.

My closet also has the swine and is throwing up all over the place!
My closet also has the swine and is throwing up all over the place!

But wait, at least I make really awesome art! (sarcasm, my friend.)

My wall o' "attempt at creativity"
My wall o' "attempt at creativity"

What’s that you say? You want a close up? I’m not very good at taking pictures either, but I’ll do my best!

And by art, I mean a collage tree.
And by art, I mean a collage tree.

More, you ask?

Yeah, those were just postcards that I cut and pasted (and then painted a coat of glitter over, of course.)
Yeah, those were just postcards that I cut and pasted (and then painted a coat of glitter over, of course.)

And yet more “art…”

Picture 733
Yeah. I made a collage of butterflies. What of it?

Oh and don’t worry, I have been destroying furniture since 1996.

Oh yeah, you know you want one!
Oh yeah, you know you want one!

And now,  I introduce you to my car.

If you can spot my glasses you win a prize. Really, I need them and they're missing.
If you can spot my glasses you win a prize. Really, I need them and they're missing.

It’s not always like this (yes it is) but I basically live out of my car and I haven’t had the time nor the energy to clean it out in these hard times. To make matters worse, there is a dead animal of sorts rotting beneath all this nastiness, and it smells of the high heavens. It has rained for the last two days, and I’m fairly sure the moisture in the air has increased the stench ten-fold. I’m also pretty sure that if I got pulled over, I would be arrested for murder. My “there must be rotten food in my trunk” excuse would quickly be dismissed.

But before you completely go off judging my car, and myself for that matter,  I feel  I should re-introduce you to this:

Dashboard Jesus!!
Dashboard Jesus!!

Dashboard Jesus puts a smile on my face every day. However, my car has recently taken on the act of bouncing violently whenever I’m in idle, and it makes Jesus do inappropriate things that make me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

I should also probably tell you that I come from a long line of nerds.

I look like I wasn't happy about posing for this, but that was just a pose.
I look like I wasn't happy about posing for this, but that was just a pose.

Have I told you that when I was young, my mother loved to wake me up by blaring the Star Trek theme song, and that I actually kind of liked it? Her most recent act of nerd-dom, is her new found love of Second Life. (Don’t kill me mom!)  I didn’t know much about it until recently, but you can apparently make an avatar that is anything from human to Giant mummy squid. Your options are unlimited. My mother has chosen to make her avatar be an elf, which I actually think is really cool. Well, that may seem irrelevant, but she has recently taken an obsession to all things elven. As I was walking out to leave my parent’s house a few weeks ago, my mom stopped and asked me to put on elf ears for a few pictures. I feigned annoyance for about 5 minutes before I agreed. I(I was really excited inside to get to wear these ears.)

And then she took the liberty to photo-shop me into a piece that she calls, “The Whispering Elf”

(I liked it so much it' is my current facebook profile pic)
(I liked it so much it' is my current facebook profile pic)

Have you met my mom’s tattoo?

NOT as big in person. (pleasssse don't kill me mom!)

I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I have a very close relationship with vodka…

That is enough to bring on depression.
That is enough to bring on depression.

And in case you haven’t seen enough, I really cannot sing, which is sad- because I realllly love to do so.

I promised you, way back  during my first month of blogging- that I would post these.

Just for a little background…. This was a weekend back in July, when I was going through a break up and not feeling very good about myself, hence probably why I started this blog. On that particular Saturday night, I went to my roommate Jake’s  mother’s birthday party. They rented out a bar and even went so far as to hire a singer to perform. It was awesome! At some point in the night, someone had the bright idea that if they could get me up on stage, it would cheer me up. Well boy did it ever.

This first video is when I first went up and sang with the hired singer, Archie, who had (I am guessing) never sang “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” By the sounds of it, I haven’t either.

And if you haven’t had enough, eventually after exhausting the hired singer, I started inviting other people to come and sing with me. Here is one of my roommate Jake and my rendition of  Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” It’s bad, but if you can stick around to the head banging, it’s kind of funny. (at least to me)

Just for shiz, if you’re still interested and insane, (I literally took over the microphone for the remainder of the evening) here is a final video of my roommate Denny and I singing “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling.

That is all folks. Now excuse me while I go hide in a closet and cry.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Related posts:

  1. EEEEFML: A visual presentation (vol.2)
  2. Love my life! But a little bit of FML (Because it IS Friday!)
  3. My Life In Numbers… And Yet Another “Breakup.”
  4. Scarred for life
  5. My favorite place.
  • http://matthewjenks.blogspot.com/ Matt_J

    Are those pictures of naked fairies?

    Dashboard Jesus rules.

  • thatkindofgirl

    Um, okay, this post made me absolutely love you! Seriously, if we didn't live many thousands of miles apart, I would be stalkering up your email right now DEMANDING WE GO OUT AND GET DRUNK TOGETHER.

    Aside from the fact that yo' closet is bigger than my whole apartment (everything is bigger in Texas?), we totally have a ton in common. These things include but probably are not limited to:

    1) Messy-ass cars. I used to drive up and down the SF bay area tutoring all day on weekends and after work, totally living and eating out of my car for days on end, and, dude, it was seriously a hobo shanty.

    2) Homemade wall art. Yours is cute, dude. Currently staring at me every night before I go to bed: a huge abstract finger-painting that my physicist friend and I drunkenly painted on a torn-up bedsheet on my 22nd birthday, and a series of nudes painted by my seriously-not-a-painter boyfriend the weekend we broke up. HOMEMADE ART REMINDS US THAT THE PAST IS REAL.

    3) Vodka. It is 10:51am on a Friday and I need some.

  • http://www.spleeness.com spleeness

    haha! My room looks 10x worse but at least felt less alone looking at your pix. Maybe I should participate in FML Friday too. lol

    BTW I love destroying furniture too.

  • CandiceW

    I feel like flying down there right now so we can get drunk and sing karaoke! You're way cooler than I am. I love it. And I'd even help you clean up your room. Looove!

  • http://www.blogsareforlosers.com Sherri

    1. I love your art.
    2. I'm afraid of your car.
    3. Does your Mom hang out in parks? Like, does she meet up with people from the Internet and dress up like an elf or wizard or something? I hope so because that would be awesome. [and scary]
    4. I loved your singing videos. I WISH WE COULD HANG OUT. [but not in that awkward, “Hi, I know you from the Internet” way but like, for real.

  • http://megsrantsandramblings.blogspot.com/ meg

    wow, you are freaking hilarious and this post brightened up my Friday and pretty much my entire week!!
    decoupaged (?) dressed-I totally do this all the time. Tables, dressers…and people are always like, “where did you get that?”, and I get great satisfaction out of saying “I made it!”
    and my car totally looks like that too. every weekend I'm like…”I will clean it!”, but it just never, ever happens.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Yes there might be boobies on those fairies. don't get too excited!

    And this I know.

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Well likewise to you! I am stalking you daily!
    yes, everything IS bigger in tx. it's not always a good thing!
    I think I have to see this finger painting!!! haha i love non painter paintings though.. just not mine! I have been dreaming of a cocktail since I started daydreaming the second I got to work this morning. Sad, sad but true!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Oh you should join me!!

    And that makes me feel a lot better I'm not the only one with a messy room!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Umm… Do it! Do it!

    But then you'd find out I'm actually not cool at all!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    I love decoupaging. I feel like I can take a piece of wood and cover it with things that make me happy. If I ever live alone, I'm afraid every inch of the walls would end up being decoupaged!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    My car IS very scary. I'm scared of it. And now im forced to do something about it because of smell.
    haha my mom only hangs out with wizards on the internet, but I wish she did in real life! I've spent my whole life waiting for the day that she would come to me and tell me that I actually come from a line of witches and teaches me how to use my powers.
    I wish we could hang out too! I'm awkward either way, so it wouldn't make that much a difference!

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    You could clean the closet while you cry!

  • http://twitter.com/Carissajaded Carissa Jade

    Oh and I would!

  • moelissaleigh

    Our car's should be friends. They'd have so much in common and maybe could motivate each other to magically find a garbage can.

    Oh.. and go get more vodka. It's a sin to run out!

  • http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/ kathryn

    Okay. I will never again worry about projectile *anything* beheading me in my car if I stop too short…now that I've seen yours!

    I can't get past that…you've made me feel SO. MUCH. BETTER.

    (Do you have any WD-40 in there???)

  • http://matthewjenks.blogspot.com/ Matt_J

    Being that most fairies, from the rumors I've heard, are only about as tall as my penis, I tend to not get too excited about them. Unless I'm at a Tori Amos concert, but then most women assume that, if I'm at a Tori Amos concert, I'm gay, so the point is moot.



  • CarissaJaded


    haha i think my car needs rehab. but he does need a friend because most other cars are scared of him and his violent jump.

    Already did! actually stocked up for the next few weeks… can't be in THAT position again!

  • CarissaJaded

    OH yeah, I've been fine so far… believe me, you haven't even seen my back seat. There are 3 huge picture frames and just about every shoe I own. And a computer, which I really need to remove before it gets taken… at least I hope its still there..

    Anyways, you probably are in a lot more danger writing whilst driving! And the odds are, yes.. there is prob. some WD-40.

  • ryanholman

    dashboard jesus only saves car related sins.

  • bloggerqueen

    Quite recently I almost was attacked in mcdonalds by a 60 year old man with fairland tattoos all over his arms. Seemed like an oximoranic dream

  • bloggerqueen

    Quite recently I almost was attacked in mcdonalds by a 60 year old man with fairland tattoos all over his arms. Seemed like an oximoranic dream

  • Pingback: EEEEFML: A visual presentation (vol.2) | Carissa Jaded()

  • Pingback: I’m not who I thought I was. | Carissa Jaded()

  • Pingback: REVIEW IT BEFORE YOU BUY IT!!!()