EEEEFML: A visual presentation (vol.2)

Ok. Take two.

I spent all morning writing a post that just disappeared to… I have no fucking clue where. Forgive me if this is grammatically retarded and completely un-pc, but I don’t feel like trying as hard this time around.

I actually started about 7 different posts that were potentially for today, but for one reason or another just never finished them.

I’m blaming it on the fact that I was just mega-slammed with work, and I  got a last minute call from Channel 6  News to be interviewed about my unnatural ability to do a hand stand against the wall for 8 hours at a time.


Truth is, for the second time this week, I broke my “not drinking for almost a week” pact.  I only had a few much-needed cocktails, but I still feel like a big fat sack of guilty ass. Though I have no idea what that would actually look like.

The good news is that I kept my other pact to myself. I vowed that I would be completely committed to this little blog for the entire month of October… Meaning that, come rain or shine and no matter how boring the shit I threw at you was, I made a commitment that I would post every single weekday. Just to see if I could.

And check out that calendar on the side-bar over there—————————————————————–>

OH YEAH, BLOG! I Kellllly-Ripppppppad your ass!!!

And while this may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, I have something inside of me that makes me  just want quit something as soon as I hear the word “commit.”

But alas, maybe these times they are a changin’.

So now I will continue with my visual presentation to the shit-storm that is my life… If you missed it, you can check out more visuals from last Friday’s post here.

Remember how I was just telling you about how I hate spiders?

I killed that mutha.
I killed that mutha.

Well a certain little bugger  was sent from Satan himself to terrorize me this morning. Sure he was just a little thing, but nevertheless, he did his job well. At first I thought I was imagining things, (possibly experiencing the first signs of food poisoning that I’m sure to get after eating raw chicken last night) but after seeing a shadow repeatedly float across my computer screen, I knew he was there. I swear though, he was fucking with me on purpose. He used his nearly invisible web to cascade down from the ceiling, probably trying to get close enough to have a taste of my blood, and then as soon as I would notice him and attempt to take a swap, he would completely disappear!. I finally got him though. I would take a picture and show you, but there’s not a lot left.

Not only do I murder helpless creatures, but I steal shit too.

Does this count as littering?
Does this count as littering?

Ok, so I don’t so much steal, (I’m not that tough) but I do accidentally take things quite often. I blame it on my severe case of untreated ADD. I’ll be focused and right in the middle of doing something….

I should totally go get fake eyelashes for tonight. Oooh, there’s a Target across the street.

Which is what happened at the bank a few days ago when I ended up driving away with that little thingie that they send you your money in. I have no clue what to call it, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about look at the picture above, ya dumbass.

Oh I’m feeling a little frisky this morning. Must have been all that sugar. Does anyone know how to make pumpkin dip? I really want some for the party tomorrow. I have a feeling that it is something like pumpkin pie, but I don’t know how to make that either.

Damn, see… happened again.

So anyways, I drove away with the thingie. I would have just taken it bac k, but I’ve already had to do that once this month, and I didn’t want to go to the embarrassment trouble. Hence the reason that I bowling balled that container right out of my car when I realized I had it. Always get rid of the evidence…. And then take a picture and blog about it… is what I always say.

Really, this is a philosophy of mine. (not the blog part) Chunk it out of the car.

Once, my college roommate accused me of taking her Outcast CD.  I denied and denied, because I don’t listen to Outcast.

About a year later I was going through my cd’s and came across that Outcast CD. I have no idea how it got there, but I sure enough chunked that shiz out the window in a moment of panic. And now, I’m blogging about it. (If you’re reading this… I AM REALLY SORRY!!!)

Have I already told you that I want to take wine behind the schoolyard and get it pregnant?

corksI’m pretty sure that I have.

My roommates and I have started collecting the wine corks and empty  bottles to use to make artsy things. They have even gone to the trouble of ordering glass cutters and candles and decorative rocks and such. Don’t worry, I’ll post pictures of our projects for you. Just as soon as we feel we have saved enough material to really get started.

Don’t hold your breath.

Have you met my roommate Jake?

Just your average night at my house.
Just your average night at my house.

For the most part I get along with all my roommates. Jake and I just have a…. special kind of friendship. Ok, I won’t beat around the bush. He is the only person in the world that has the ability to make me want to stab myself repeatedly in the eye. And I’m pretty sure he is committed to making me do so. He has the ability to speak my name at a volume that makes animals do crazy things like jump of cliffs and bite the hands off of small children. Oh the torture! Forget waterboarding, just send Jake. You’ll get all the answers you want.

Another example of his Jakiness? Last night, for no apparent reason, Jake decided it would be funny to reach his hand down the back of his pants and chase me around the house threatening to wipe butt juice on me. Luckily, I possess the only weapon that works on Jake (and most gay guys)… a vajayjay. Oh yes. Two can play this game. The chase lasted for about fifteen minutes and ended with Jake locking himself in the bathroom. I win.

On a side note, this pretty much works with anything when dealing with Jake. As long as I have the ability to drop my pants, I win!

I know you think otherwise, but I’m not perfect.

Note to self: wear a bra.
Note to self: wear a bra.

I know I’ve mentioned that my Halloween costume this year consists of a pair of saggy boobs that i ordered off the internet. Well last night, my other roommate Denny, ( who usually doesn’t give me trouble) asked me why I was wearing them a few days early.



Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Related posts:

  1. EFFF My life- A visual presentation.
  2. This may be my most embarrassing confession yet. I’ve got the fever. And I’m Creepy.
  3. My Life In Numbers… And Yet Another “Breakup.”
  4. TMI Thursday: Email roast style. In which people hump weird shiz.
  5. Love my life! But a little bit of FML (Because it IS Friday!)
  • Matt_J

    “As long as I have the ability to drop my pants, I win!”

    Um…*shifty-eyed*…I'm gay and annoying. Yeah, yeah. *shifty-eyed*

  • lralln9

    Not that I would know, but I'm pretty sure the ability to “drop your pants” to a guy, whether they're gay or not, can get you out of MANY situations…

  • spleeness

    haha, your halloween costume sounds hilarious!! And your roommie even moreso… but you can keep him. lol

    I once drove away with the bank vault thingee too. It's too easy!

  • Carissa Jade

    haha. I must be more careful with my words.

    Although looks like it WOULD work with anyone!

  • Carissa Jade

    Ah hell yeah it does. hypothetically speaking.

  • Carissa Jade

    No really… you can have him!
    Ill post pics next week!

  • Kirsten

    This halloween costume intrigues me. I like that you ordered saggy boobs off the internet. Did not know they sold them.. might have to google it now..

  • Amber Murphy

    I work at a bank. We just call those thingy's drive thru tubes. And even if you drive off with it everysingleday you should take it back. At my bank, we don't have any extras and if someone takes it and doesn't bring it back we have to shut down one drive thru lane and that sucks balls.

    Well, effers, I guess you could just tell me that we should order extras!

    Also, a ton of people bring them back late at night because they are chicken shit and don't want us to know it was “them” who took it, even though we already know who they are, because we just cashed their check. :)

  • CarissaJaded

    Oh yes.. you can find anything on the internet!

  • CarissaJaded

    Ah I feel really bad now! I have always brought them back before…

    But yeah they should really order extras! I didn't even realize I took it until I was already back to work, which is twenty minutes from the bank and 40 minutes to my house… and I'm really lazy!

  • blunt delivery

    1. he wouldn't know saggy boobs if he saw them [he wishes]

    2. i can barely commit to the fact that bluntdelivery IS MY blog, much less write every day… so you are COMMENDED my dear.

  • meg

    i really quite enjoyed your use of the phrase “bowling balled”!! also…. i have never seen one of those bank tube thingies in my life! i feel dumb…haha. and kudos on the posting every weekday thing…I always pretend like I'm going to do that, but then I never actually do…

  • kathryn

    HA! Note to self: Wear bra. YIKES! It was your POSTURE….yeah, THAT was it!
    You weren't sitting up straight!

    Yeah, I knew that was that tubie-thingie from the bank. And now you've posted it online for the bank police to see.

    You are so screwed.

  • CandiceW

    A post a day?! My god. I have trouble committing to dinner plans.

    That spider? It will haunt me in my dreams tonight. Thanks for that.

  • CarissaJaded

    1. righhhht? thats what I keep telling myself…

    2. Well it was only one month. I doubt that will ever happen again.

  • CarissaJaded

    Bowling balled was really the only thing that could quite describe what happened… and thanks! but, like i said.. it will probably never happen again…

  • CarissaJaded

    Yeah.. it was def. my posture.and my boobs. but thats ok i guess…

    and can i get in trouble for this??? uh oh. Im drunk too.. does that make it worse?


  • CarissaJaded

    Candice,you crack my shit up. I can't commit to dinner plans either, thats why i was so excited about this!

  • Sherri

    Sooo, are you saying that my disgusting, flithy, pig of a neighbor might not actually have saggy boobs under that crusty poncho she's always wearing??? Like, she could have purchased them off of the internet just to fuck with me? I need to lie down and rethink life as I know it.

    PS: I think your roommate and I would get along famously.

  • LiLu

    Does Denny still have his balls?

    Cause he wouldn't if that'd been me.

  • JustMeDammit

    My fake eyelashes made my eyes water all night.

    Damn Halloween beauty.

  • JustMe

    My fake eyelashes made my eyes water all night.

    Damn Halloween beauty.