Dear John, Please stop breaking up on me.


Can it be true? Are you fucking serious? It’s Friday? Hells to the yeah!

Not only is it Friday, but I get to leave work at noon today to head to Austin. The only thing that could make this better would be if it were  a payday Friday, and if I didn’t have to drive 4 and a half hours just  to get to Austin.

There is one other thing that’s kind of been bothering me today.

(I almost told this as this week’s TMI story, but realized it was more of a FML tale. So, at least for today- consider it FML Friday.)

I was in the restroom at my house last night, doing my business, when I noticed that my feet were wet. Wet feet in the bathroom are never OK, unless someone has recently exited the shower. (We all know that guy who doesn’t pay attention care where his pee might fall.)

After I had successfully finished my business, I dried off my feet, and bent down to get a closer look at the floor.

Oh. No. The water was coming out from the bottom of the toilet.

I have seen this before, and the outcome is never good. And believe me, I know. I’m the queen of toilet incidents.

The first time I saw water leaking from my toilet, I was a junior in college. I shared an apartment with two other girls, and we were all at the peak of being college alcoholics. I had noticed for a while that our toilet had a little wiggle to it. Every time you sat down you could feel the base rocking, just a little bit. Just like in my current bathroom, a little bit of water would escape from the bottom whenever we flushed. I can only assume that it was damaged by a combination of our drunkeness, and our asses.  Because when you’re a drunk- you have a tendency of just “plopping” down on the toilet with no abandon.

We have to remember that toilets are practically just made out of thick  glass. You have take care of them. You can’t just put anything down them. And you definitely can’t throw all  100 -and- something lbs of yourself down backwards onto the seat of the toilet in a drunken stupor.

Which is exactly what I did.

We had at least ten people over at the time, (because you never do stupid drunk things when you get dropped off at home by yourself) and to be honest, I was really way too gone to remember all the horrible details. All I know is that at some point during the night, I stumbled into the bathroom. I’m not sure if I was actually trying to sit down, or if I slipped on the bath rug and fell into the toilet- but either way it happened.

My fat ass broke the toilet at the base.

Like I said, I don’t remember details- but the way I’ve heard it, (and believe me- I’ve heard all sorts of versions of this story) I ran through a living room full of people  with my pants down around my ankles, ran into my room, dove head first onto my bed, missed, and landed on the floor with my bare ass facing a room full of very confused people.

Next thing they knew, water was gushing into the living room. I don’t know what happened next, but from what I hear- I cried in my bedroom while all of my wonderful friends cleaned the mess. I do know that the carpet had to be replaced and there were giant fans airing the place out for about a week.

That could be a funny story to look back on and laugh about later.

Except…

A couple years later I moved to a new city for work and I was living alone.  I didn’t have many friends  yet, except for a group of very fun, very loud gay boys (who I love to pieces.) One night, after about 6 Mi Cocina Mambo Taxis- we went back to my one room loft apartment, mostly because I didn’t care if people smoked inside.  I guess I should mention that my toilet at this apartment also had a shaky base.***

We were all extremely toasted and playing game of Cranium. I had to pee very badly, but wanted to hurry so I didn’t miss anything. I ran to the bathroom, and attempted to pull down my pants on the way there to save time. As I approached the toilet, I slipped backwards.

And Yes.

I fucking broke the second toilet of my life.

This time I cried in the closet while the gays, very thoroughly, cleaned up the flooding bathroom.

So now you know why a little leak at the bottom of the toilet can really freak a girl out.

We all know bad things happen in threes.

***ok, i admit it. the second incident didn’t involve a shaky base. it was a brand new toilet, in a brand new apartment. my fatass simply broke it. i have no excuse.

F.M.L.

I’ll  leave you with a little more FML this lovely Friday, because you know how I can completely understand body hair issues…And also GloZell is hilarious!

Happy Friday yall!






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  • http://www.onewaydown.com M

    Yikes! I can't say I've ever broken a toilet at the base, but I have definitely flooded one or two in my life…

    Enjoy Austin! I went to college there and miss it daily. Are you going for ACL?

  • CarissaJaded

    I completely flaked on getting tickets, but im hoping someone will throw some my way!

  • moooooog35

    When it started leaking, were there little brown canoes?

    Nevermind.

    Don't wanna know.

  • Jake

    OMG I still cry from laughter everytime I think about you sitting in your closet with a pile of clothes on your head. The title of this is quite ironic considering it was JONN and I that helped you clean up that second mess.

  • CarissaJaded

    No sir, you do not want to know.

  • CarissaJaded

    poor jonn. i don't think he ever got over that.

  • http://quirky.nu/ Carli

    It could always be worse! I'd rather be known as the girl who broke the toilet than the girl who had the monster, clogging fecal matter of death! … or the girl who ran out of toilet paper at an associates house and had to craftily use a sock or something from the hamper as compensation. God I love toilet stories.

    That girl in the video made me laugh so hard! Wax + Armpits = horrible, horrible idea. Hilarious, BUT HORRIBLE.

  • http://belleandnel.blogspot.com/ Belle

    Sorry to laugh at your expense, but hahahahahahahahahah!!! I love that the cause the second time around was that you couldn't wait to get back to Cranium. If it makes you feel better to hear my FML story, I've peed (fully) in my pants while playing Cranium and while playing Catch Phrase.

  • mrseb

    Wow… you poor thing!

    100 and SOMETHING? Woah. HUGE!

    I kid, I kid.

    Surely it was just bad luck. I'm nearer 200lbs (and 6'5″), and I've never broken one. Hell, if you're in America, toilets would be breaking left, right and center…

    Or maybe you just 'plop' with great, furious vehemence…

  • CarissaJaded

    well ill have to admit that i do have quite a bit of bad luck… but I have also lost over a hundred lbs since the incident… so it was actually all 200 lbs of me at the time!

  • mrseb

    I still think most toilets are capable of supporting a lot more…

    But as has been said, I'm sure it's all about HOW you enthrone yourself.

  • CarissaJaded

    haha, yes- I always like to hear peoples fml stories. next time I'm just peein in the pants. I'm no longer rushing to get to toilets…

  • http://monkeytoesnus.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    OMG, this was effing hilarious. Thank you! I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of you running to hide and cry while your friends cleaned up the messes. Brilliant! 😉 And I know about the whole plopping on the toilet while drunk thing. Did it just last night. LOL I had to look down after I started peeing to make sure it was going into the toilet. Yes, I was gone.

    Hope you're having a great time in Austin!

  • mrseb

    Wow… you poor thing!

    100 and SOMETHING? Woah. HUGE!

    I kid, I kid.

    Surely it was just bad luck. I'm nearer 200lbs (and 6'5″), and I've never broken one. Hell, if you're in America, toilets would be breaking left, right and center…

    Or maybe you just 'plop' with great, furious vehemence…

  • CarissaJaded

    well ill have to admit that i do have quite a bit of bad luck… but I have also lost over a hundred lbs since the incident… so it was actually all 200 lbs of me at the time!

  • mrseb

    I still think most toilets are capable of supporting a lot more…

    But as has been said, I'm sure it's all about HOW you enthrone yourself.

  • CarissaJaded

    haha, yes- I always like to hear peoples fml stories. next time I'm just peein in the pants. I'm no longer rushing to get to toilets…

  • http://monkeytoesnus.blogspot.com/ Michelle

    OMG, this was effing hilarious. Thank you! I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of you running to hide and cry while your friends cleaned up the messes. Brilliant! 😉 And I know about the whole plopping on the toilet while drunk thing. Did it just last night. LOL I had to look down after I started peeing to make sure it was going into the toilet. Yes, I was gone.

    Hope you're having a great time in Austin!