I’m 27, Shouldn’t I be a pro at this by now?

Oh.. I’m not saying I don’t have any talents. I think I’m good at several things. I have mastered nearly every yoga pose, I give great back massages, I make badass salmon croquettes, and I have memorized the lyrics to nearly every Beatles song ever written. It just seems that there are many things that I should be a pro at by now, that I never get right on the first attempt. You know, the kinds of things that after your 4th attempt, whoever is around to witness your dumb-assery gets so tired of seeing you fail that they take it over themselves?

Keeping the FML Friday theme, I’ll share some of the things that I totally suck at doing (and should be really awesome at by now.) Feel free to add your own and make me feel a little bit better about my life…

*Lighting a match- Why in God’s name is striking a stick against, what is essentially a piece of cardboard , so difficult? I usually go through at least a row of matches before I get one lit, and another row before I get one to stay lit long enough to light whatever it is that I’m trying to light.  Throw in the acrylic- nail -catching -on- fire- factor- and I’m in for what could potentially be a humongo disaster.

*Spelling common words such as Piece, Wednesday,Calendar, and License… etc.- Without spell check, the previous statement would have undoubtedly read: Spelling common words such as Peice, Wendesday, Calender, and liscense…ect. And yes, I did get my degree in English.

*Braiding  my hair without having to start over 3 times- Yeah yeah yeah. Even my hair dresser told me never to wear my hair in braids again because it makes me look 12. I don’t give 2 flying pieces of poop. I’m lazy, and sometimes I like to look like a Native American. I suppose it’s in my blood somewhere.

*Pulling the right string on the overhead light- Every morning it is the same routine. I wake up, stumble out of bed to turn on the light. I pull the string. The fan switches to full speed, but the light stays off.  I go over to the wall and flip the switch. The fan slows down but the light stays off. I go over and pull the other string. The light turns on but the fan also starts up again and I’m freezing. These things seriously need to come with directions. I have a very similar experience with the two strings on the window blinds.

*Typing the right nonsensical word in those fucking Captcha things- I’m not claiming to be the brightest bulb of the bunch, but I know should be able to conquer a captcha. I can see alright. I’m a functional enough typist. I’ve done exceptional on typing tests, so I know that I have the ability to look at words and then type the same exact words on my keyboard. What makes me even more mad, is when it says something snarky like “Are You Human?” above it. That’s like saying “Oh no fair!! This one is SOOO easy!!!! Seriously,  you’re an idiot if you don’t get this right” right before you ask someone a trivia question. I’m apparently an idiot human.

*Opening the right drawer for eating utensils and cups- I have lived in this house for seven months now. It’s not that I don’t know where they are. I guess when I’m looking for a cup I just automatically start opening up random cabinets. I inevitably open the wrong one first. I have know idea why. It’s like my brain just wants to fuck with me and make me think I’m going crazy. Or maybe I just am.

*Making a turn at the first long break in traffic- I have my blinker on, and I need to turn into a parking lot across the way. I’ve already been sitting there for five minutes, just waiting for a break in traffic. I’m concentrating as hard as I’ve ever concentrated on anything in my life, gauging the speed and the distance between the cars in the opposite lane. I calculate how quickly I will be able to accelerate. I think  “Oh that’s a cute little hybrid… I wonder if my credit is good enough to buy a new car…. Har har har that guy is picking his nose….”

There was a break… but I missed it.

*Getting the straw in my mouth without the use hands in the midst of a deep conversation- Please note that I am specifying that I cannot complete this simple action during deep conversation. I can usually do it just fine when I’m looking at the straw. But without that pertinent eye contact with the straw? Forget about it!! You would think the odds would allow me to get the straw in my mouth at least one out of every ten times, but it never seems to happen. I either end up doing that ever so attractive lip/tongue search for the straw thing, or the straw ends up poking me in the chin, cheek, or worst of all- up my nose (I have literally gotten a bloody nose twice from attempting this maneuver.) The thing that makes me the most frustrated about this particular act, is that girls in the movies sipping coke floats, sick people in hospitals,  and old people in nursing homes successfully put the straw in their mouth without losing an eye, ALL THE TIME!!

*Cooking popcorn in the microwave- I’ve tried punching in the time that the bag tells me to. I’ve tried pushing the button on the microwave that says “POPCORN.” It doesn’t matter. Every first attempt I make at popping popcorn in the microwave either ends up being too full of uncooked kernels, or ends up a big smelly lump of coal like substance.

*Playing a DVD in my DVD player- This used to be a task I could handle, but that was before every TV in my house needed 4 remote controls just to work. It’s never just as simple as putting the DVD in and pushing a button. Now, just to watch a movie, I have to figure out which button turns the TV on; what channel or setting the TV needs to be on to play a DVD; how to make the DVD play; and then wait… there’s still no fricking sound!!

So basically, I just suck at life…

But that’s ok because it’s Friday!

Happy weekend  everyone!