TMI Thursday. I’m really scared of Toxic Shock

As posted by Lilu: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

(Make sure you check out Lilu’s  TMI Thursday archives, I spent my morning there and had to join in)

Oh I am so going to regret publishing this one.

Men/Boys/Anyone who knows me in real life, you may want to cease reading this right about now…

Three weeks ago today was the last day of my “woman” cycle. (Frick, it’s already been 3 weeks?) You know how that last day goes. A tampon is more of a precaution than a necessity. So that Thursday night before I went to sleep, I went ahead and took that precaution.

The following evening I decided to make the 5 hour drive to visit some friends in Houston. Before I left, I ran through my mental checklist, making sure I wouldn’t get half-way there and realize I had done something traumatic, like forget my hair straightener.  About 30 minutes into the drive, I came to a dreadful realization. I couldn’t remember taking it out from the night before.

Since I had gone to work a little hungover and dehydrated that day (as I do most Fridays,) I knew I had only used the restroom a couple of  times in the last 24 hours- and neither of those times included tampon removal.

My first thought was “Oh my God, I have toxic shock.” I then briefly imagined myself into a headache and a bad case of the chills.

My second thought should have been “I need to find a gas station where I can pull over and take this out, pronto.”

Note: I have this thing when I’m on road trips where I absolutely will not pull over unless I’m 20 seconds away from pissing myself, or I see a sign that says “worlds best beef jerky”

And since there was no such sign in sight, my actual second thought was “I bet I can take this out while driving!”

Turns out it wasn’t so difficult, even when going 80 mph on the highway.  Luckily, I was wearing a skirt, and by keeping one foot on the gas- I was able to half way stand up and… well all you need to know is that it is possible.

It wasn’t until it was removed that I realized I hadn’t thought about disposal. I panicked for a moment that I would have to break my “no littering of tampons” clause and was just about to throw it out the window, when I spotted a paper bag buried under the junk pile on the floor board of my car.

I put it in the bag, threw the bag back onto the floorboard of my car, and within in a few minutes I was so caught up in listening to an episode of “This American Life,” that I completely forgot about my predicament.

Until this Monday, when I was rummaging through my car trying to find my glasses. I spotted that brown paper bag and it all came flooding back to me.

I am a disgusting, despicable person. And this is just one more reason why you should never ride in my car.