I’m old as balls and totally out of the loop

At the age of 27, I’m starting to get the first “Oh God I’m old” thoughts. People will say no.. you are still a child… but I have evidence that points toward the truth. I’m old as balls.

-My friends have started to get gray hairs (or no hairs)  and I’m scared shitless that it’s only a matter of time for me to as well.

-I have started listening to talk radio and pod casts… for enjoyment.

-More often than not my tv is tuned in to Fox news or the Discovery Channel or Bravo. I know things about politics, and I have formed my own opinions.

-I have found myself looking at younger girls and shaking my head with the thought that “I can’t believe their mother let them leave the house like that. It’s no longer because I’m jealous that I can’t fit into those clothes, I actually can’t believe they are out in public wearing that.

-I couldn’t recognize a Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers song, and I couldn’t pick a Jonas brother out from a room full of adolescence aged boys.

– I haven’t watched an MTV show since there were actual videos on, and until recently I thought William was actually Will1a.m.

-I prefer reading anything by Ann Rice than doing anything related to the Twilight series.

-I worry all day long about how much sleep I’m going to get, because I know I can’t survive on less than seven hours.

-People used to compliment how perky my boobs were. They no longer do.

-I used to sleep in a bra to keep my boobs perky. Now I take that bitch off the second I walk in the door.

-If I met Zach Effron I’d probably have to fight the urge to pat him on the head..  (But I’m not gonna lie, I would totally do Shia Labouf)

-I just had to google how to @reply to someone on twitter.

-I know longer like shopping. I don’t like malls. I despise the music I play in them. I hate the people there. If I go shopping its for an item I need.

-I have used coupons.

-Some of my favorite songs are on the classic radio station.

-I have spent more than an hour of my life looking in the mirror, smiling and frowning, and watching the lines around my eyes move.

-I had a crush on Steven Tyler before he looked like a grandma.

I know, It’s not like I wear reading glasses or anything. But it’s only a matter of time.

Oh yes, I believe I’m still (kind of) hip to the times when it comes to film and music, but I’m pretty sure the movies and music I like makes me more of a nerd- Is Ben Folds still cool? You don’t have to remind me that wisdom comes with age, because their are plenty of things  that I did in my younger age that I wouldn’t ever think about doing today. And I’m not just talking about people.

However, I realized a couple weeks ago while I was watching Juno- that even though I got the gist of the movie and laughed at all the appropriate times- I have no fucking clue what these kids are really talking about.  Here is an insert from the film. What in the hell Ouiser? Or wait, I mean WTF?

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I’m at suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno MacGuff: No, it’s Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants…
Juno MacGuff: I’m pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it’s Bleekers.
Leah: It’s probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I’ve taken like three pregnancy tests, and I’m forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That’s amazing…
Juno MacGuff: I don’t know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D… Anyway dude, I’m telling you I’m pregnant and you’re acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

Sooo.. I’ve come to the conclusion that it come time for me to start using an incredibly useful  site known as the Urban Dictionary, a site where users can input their own definitions to slang words. Or as  one member defined Urban Dictionary in the Urban Dictionary:

“A website that only publishes real stupid Definitions of pretty much dumb made up words by retarded kids that have nothing better to do than just sit in front of a computer all day.
You Kids And All Your Stupid Made Up Words. . . What Do They Mean???

“uhhhh i’m stoopid let me go look it up on URBAN DICTIONARY”.”

If I have to have saggy boobs, maybe I can at least sound like I’m wicked cool. So on my poser journey to awesomeness, I’ll try to share some words I learn on the way.

1st whack word of the day:  Shawty

What I thought before I looked it up: I’ve heard this word used several times in rap songs. I never really been able to understand a full sentence in a rap song so I’ve never been able to try to use the sentence to try to get a definition. I figured it was what it sounds like, and endearing term for a short person.

Top Urban Definition:
Fine ass woman, or your girl.

Sup shawty, how you doin

Girlfriend—–me an my shawty went to da sex shop yesterday and got some shit, yo.


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  • lralln9

    Oh nooooooo! I thought “shawty” was a really short person… Totally serious.

  • casual reader

    “my tv is tuned in to Fox news” and “I know things about politics” are mutually exclusive. If you watch Fox news, then you know dick.

  • casual reader

    “my tv is tuned in to Fox news” and “I know things about politics” are mutually exclusive. If you watch Fox news, then you know dick.