It doesn’t bother me that my friends have taken to calling me “Hurricane Carissa.” When I walk into a room carrying a glass of wine, someone inevitably yells, “uh oh – someone should probably grab that glass of wine before she spills it.” I know that I have the uncanny ability to walk into a house and break every bit of technology within a twenty four hour time-span. I will burn you with cigarettes and knock your ice tea glass over causing it to spill into your bowl of soup. I just can’t help it.
The fact that I am kind of a walking natural disaster has actually worked to my advantage in some aspects of life.
I rarely have to carry groceries into the house, as my roommates are quick to grab the bags before I get a chance to shut the carton of eggs in the car door or trip and fall on a carton of milk. People have come to expect that I will naturally forget to unplug my hair straightener, and have learned to routinely check my room for plugged in appliances and lit candles, thus saving me the shame of burning down a building. I’m rarely made responsible for planning anything, and no one ever wants to ride in my car-so I’m never designated driver.
I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to every person in my life who has had to endure any of these situations. (etc.) I know there are some things that I cannot change about myself, but there are some things that I would be willing to try to work on, mostly for my own sake…but you’re sure to benefit as well.
- From this point on, I’m really going to try to return to practicing the age-old habit of brushing my teeth twice a day. I do floss quite often, and always brush before I leave home- but seeing that I haven’t been to the dentist in like 8 yrs- (I’m waiting for Obama-care) I feel that I should go to extra lengths to ensure I don’t lose my teeth before the age of 30. How you will benefit: Talking to me will become a much more pleasant experience and you will not run the risk of death by holding-your-own-breath -for- too -long.
- As much as it pains me, I will quit forcing all the people I know , love, and just met, to listen to me sing all eleven minutes of Meatloaf’s “Paradise By the Dashboard Light.” I won’t even sing my camp version. I can’t take it out of my road-trip play list, but I can vow to only play it one time… (each way.) How you will benefit: No more bleeding ears and you won’t be singing “gonna go all the way tonight” in your head for weeks.
- I’m going to start hanging clothes up after washing them. I will no longer take them out of the dryer and immediately put them on a pile on the floor. I realize now, that when I do this it only takes about two days before they get mixed in with the dirty ones, and I end up wearing dirty underwear to work. I will also try to actually fold my t-shirts and pants before stuffing them into my dresser. I might even go so far as trying to iron one item of clothing a month. This is gonna be a tough-ey. How you will benefit: You won’t really. Except for you won’t have to waste as much energy of pointing out the ketchup stain on my shirt, and you’ll be spared the scene of watching me try to get out the stain with my spit and my finger.
- By foot powder and use it. (self explanatory)
- From now on, I will no longer be leaving half-full cups of water around the house or next to my bed. If I come home to find one more cup of three day old water spilled on my keyboard, ( I HATE THOSE FRICKIN CATS!!!) I am likely to have an aneurysm. I should probably stop drinking liquid all together to save more carpets. Maybe I’ll just lean over the sink and slurp water out.. or buy a sippie cup. How you will benefit: You will no longer have to suffer the wrath that comes out when I come home to find water spilt on my make-up next to the bed. My mood swings will become fewer and far-between.
- I vow to not drink wine for one week.
- I’m going to make a conscious effort not to chew on every pin I pick up. I know disgusted you must when I hand back your now unrecognizable bic , that now has a pen cap that looks like it has been man-handled by the terminator. The same goes for other small pieces of plastic. I am really thankful when people let me borrow a sip from their water bottle, and for now on I won’t hand it back to you with a mangled top. Along these same lines, I will try to wain myself from doodling inappropriate objects on other people’s documents, and I will resist the urge to straighten every bobby pin and paperclip I come across. How you will benefit: Duh, you’re stuff won’t be disgustingly ruined by someone else’s mouth.
- I will try try try not to rub the cab drivers back on drunken cab rides. I will also refrain from using one accent for too long of a time (in public. (See my last post.) How you will benefit: Your dignity will still be intact.
I think this will give me enough to work on for the time being. I’m open for suggestions if you would like to anonomously let me know if there is anything else you would like me to work on. Just be nice, I’m sensitive.