An open letter to the women in my building


Dear all of the users of the women’s bathroom in my office building,

I could be more specific in who exactly I’m addressing, but I don’t really want to embarrass you. Plus, I have bones to pick with several of you.

I realize we all sometimes have to “go go” during work hours. I understand that. But there are certain measures that we all should take in order to make the bathroom experience as pleasurable as possible.

First, lets do what we can to recreate your schedule so that you are, for the most part, not going during work hours. You should be able to do this with a few minor adjustments to your eating habits and your daily coffee ingestion.I see you coming into the building with your lunch, and it would  be to your benefit  (in addition to mine)  to vary up your lunch a little more than  simply switching between Taco Bell and Taco Cabana.

Also please note that you are not fooling anyone. You’re wearing scrubs and everyone knows that the dentist office is on floor three. Us first floor people have noses just like everyone else, and we would really appreciate it if you would keep to your own floor to do your business. I know that you’re probably scared (as you should be) that one of your co-workers will walk in and find out that your crap smells of 3 year old rotten cow carcass, but at least they know you on a personal level, so you get at least a shot at redemption. I, on the other hand, would now never give you the time of day based solely on the fact that you defile my bathroom instead of your own. It’s very rude and I don’t enjoy rude people.

Now on to the topic of flushing. It only takes two seconds. If you’re afraid of getting germs on your hands because you are too lazy to wash your hands, then use your foot. Only wheelchair lady from the title company has any excuse for leaving their poo for everyone to see. If it’s because you’re proud, take a picture and show it to your roommate. They might get a kick out of it, but I most definitely do not. Also please note that when one flush isn’t enough, go ahead and flush it again. You’re not having to pay the water bill, and I’m sure whoever does will agree with me in saying that sometimes the remains are even worse that the whole dump.

I’m sure I don’t even need to tell you that it is completely unacceptable for you to leave droplets on the seat. If you’re gonna squat, then please give everyone else the courtesy of at least checking to make sure you didn’t miss. When I’m at a bar I can expect to have wet thighs if I am dumb enough to sit down, but I shouldn’t have to deal with the same repercussions in the office building. I’m assuming since you have a job that you have been peeing on your own for at least 18 years. Even if you are not a “professional” in your career by now, you should be a professional pee-er. Prove it.

I will be the first to admit that I’ve often been guilty of bringing my phone into the restroom. You would not know this because whenever you walk into the bathroom I promptly hang up, mid sentence if need be. I come into the restroom to talk because I don’t want my dragon shirt wearing co-worker to know my private affairs. I will do you a favor and keep you out of my private life as well. Please provide me the same courtesy and refrain from chatting it up in the bathroom. Its bad enough that you don’t have enough pride to wait until I’m finished before you start taking your shit, but to hear the details of your one night stand while doing so? Not cool.

I’m really not trying to come down too hard on you, even I will admit to the occasional office shit. What really bothers me  is it that the few times I have an emergency at work, you decide its the perfect time to put on makeup. You have forced me to work out muscles that I didn’t even know I had, because I (unlike you) refuse to crap while other people are in the room. I don’t know why you even bother with the makeup anyway. The only good looking guy from our building (mortgage Bentley driving guy) already has a lady so quit trying. Plus he wears white shorts with a white shirt,  sunglasses inside, and one of those retarded ear piece phones so I think we can assume he is a douche bag.

Finally, I have no idea how you manage to leave pubes on the toilet seat, but it’s disgusting. I have never seen pubes on a toilet seat that I know a man hasn’t used. Your either plucking them and leaving them on the toilet seat out of spite, or girl, you are wiping wayyyy to roughly. If you do this again I swear I’m not afraid to take the next step in the doodie duel. I will leave a used tampon there for your viewing pleasure. Try me.

Thanks in advance for changing your bathroom habits. If you don’t heed my advice, I have no apologies for the gagging noises I will make the next time your in the stall next to me.

Best Regards,



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