I used to spend a lot of time trying to come up with content for this thing. I didn’t want to come across as too sappy, or too emo, or too over the top. I should probably warn you that I no longer care. Sure, the ultimate goal is to share something humorous yet thought provoking… in theory. But the truth is, I’m just happy I feel inspired to put finger to keyboard again. So if I feel like writing something, I will write something. And if you don’t like it, shut your stupid face.

This week I had my first visit with a new therapist. I figured it was time for some maintenance. Plus I really really like talking about myself to someone who is required to give me their undivided attention…. as if you didn’t already know this.

It had been about 6 months since I have had any sort of official therapy and I had nearly forgotten how helpful it is. I truly believe that ANYONE can benefit from talking to an unbiased someone every once in a while. It really puts things in prospective. Granted, 9 out of 10 times – my sister, my friends, and my coworkers give me the same advice that the therapist gives me… but somehow it’s different when you pay someone to listen.

Since it was my initial visit with a new counselor, we had A LOT to cover. Three hours worth, in fact. Three hours of me giving her the rundown of every idiosyncrasy of my character, and every hardship I have ever endured. While it felt good to tell my story, it was a bit exhausting- to say the least. But it did make me realize something.

I’m dramatic. I’m emotional. I over-think and catastrophize every situation. I have a bad case of ADHD.  I have major sleep anxiety. I have general anxiety in nearly every situation in my life. I have a bit of an inferiority complex. I have absolutely no control of myself when I drink liquor. I’m constantly teetering on the edge of hypomania. I have a major case of body dysmorphia. I will probably never have a comfortable relationship with food.

I could go on for days about my emotional and behavioral issues, but what I realized was that I’m OK with it all. In fact, somewhere over the last year, I’ve learned not only to accept- but also to appreciate some of my issues… or at least the fact that I can acknowledge them and work towards dealing with them.

In the very least, they don’t freak me out as much anymore. The difference between this session, and the first time I met with a counselor last year is unbelievable.

That being said, I can’t help but imagine a world where I didn’t have to worry about keeping myself in check. Where I didn’t have to use “tools” like mindfulness and meditation to calm my nerves or talk myself down from cliffs. And especially where I didn’t act on such impulse all the time. Like, can you imagine if you could program yourself with your own, personal panic button that would prevent you from saying and doing things that you immediately regret?

Por ejemplo: Oh yay! Bob Schneider is playing my at my radio show’s Christmas benefit! He’s my favorite musician in the entire world. I should walk up to him and tell him about how much I love him.. and keep talking for about ten minutes until he looks like he might take off running in fear.

ACTIVATE PANIC BUTTON

Carissa. Take a deep breath. If you want to say something to your most favorite musician in the world, fine. But for God’s sake, he doesn’t want to hear your life story, or how you once drunkenly wrote him a facebook message proclaiming your love. Just. Stop.

Por ejemplo #2: I’m at a co-workers birthday party drinking a little wine. Just the night before I decided to swear off liquor because SOMEHOW I ended up waking up on the bathroom floor of a boy’s apartment who I actually really like. Boss hands me a shot. Boy, I sure do love shots. Especially warm cinnamony whiskey shots. And it would probably make me a lot more fun to talk to.

ACTIVATE PANIC BUTTON

Hey girl hey. If you take that shot, it’s all gonna go down hill. You’ll end up making an ass out of yourself in front of all your co-workers. Then you’ll proceed to call that boy you dig and ask, no beg him to pick you up. And THEN you’ll call your dad 10 times telling him you don’t know where you are. So, no… Don’t take that shot.

Sighhh… if only.

Instead, I have to learn these things the hard way. Stupid human body, unequipped with panic buttons. But I guess then I wouldn’t have anything to work on.

So until someone learns how to reprogram my head- I’m just gonna embrace my poor decisions and nutso brain.

ACTIVATE FREAK FLAG

If you know me at all, you know that I’m quite the songstress.

I’m not implying that I have any sort of musical talent whatsover, In fact- I’m a downright horrible singer. But I don’t tend to let that stop me. And why would I? For what I lack in talent I make up for in passion.

As I said yesterday, the last few months have been getting progressively better for me. It’s a hard thing to measure, my level of happiness. Some days are better than others, and I will always be the type of person that gets down every now and then… It’s good for your soul. Overall though, I can tell that I’m a happier person because I’ve been singing more and more lately… Especially the last few days.  And I’m no expert on life, but based on my experience- unless you’re a lunatic, Thom Yorke, or stuck in prison, you usually don’t just go around singing out of sadness.

OK I take that back. I just spent the last 10 minutes thinking of all the people who have made a living singing out of sadness: Morrisey, George Jones, Sam Beam, Ben Gibbard…. but for the point of this post, I MYSELF, don’t usually walk around singing when my heart is full of melancholy… unless it’s for the purpose of making myself more miserable… which I often love to do. It’s therapeutic!

I’ve noticed lately that people don’t always take kindly to my public outbursts of singing, which is disheartening. Sure, it may be a little weird to hear someone bust out in random song and dance in the middle of Bath and Body Works, but there’s no need for rude looks. People need to lighten up a bit. Even children seem to have lost the will to sing.

This weekend, while my sister and I were Christmas shopping- I subconsciously started singing the soundtrack to Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, which I’m currently in the midst of choreographing .  Just at the moment I realized I was singing out loud, I noticed a young girl- probably around the age of 10- glaring at me. With the rudest face I had ever seen. I laughed, expecting her to laugh back, but she continued glaring. I’m not sure why, but that moment was the most fury I’ve felt in a while.

Life should be more fun. I always feel better when I let loose, and I hate to think that there are children who think people singing is dumb. That little bitch.

A little harsh? Perhaps. But regardless, she ruined my mood.. and I can’t stand when someone puts a damper on chipperness.

A few minutes later I decided to sing again just to annoy her. And you know what? I was happy again.

I’ve been trying to figure out what has caused this sudden rise of “music in my heart.” Perhaps it’s because I recently quit taking Zoloft… which was extremely helpful for a while-but it recently dawned on me that I was tired of not feeling anything. Maybe it’s the holiday season. It could be that I’ve found myself surrounded by awesomeness in the form of mortal human beings… which for a while there- I did my best to remove myself from. Or maybe it’s just because I finally got my ipod back.

I know this is probably the dumbest post I’ve ever written, but I have an extremely cheesy point I would like to make here.

That over cliche saying asking you to “sing like noone can hear you?” It has a point. It feels good. Don’t let yourself get to the point where every little thing annoys you, like I did. Blast that music and sing along. Step outside on your front porch and sing “Oh Holy Night” at the top of your lungs. Sing along to the Muzak version of Celine Dion in the grocery store.

And if someone gives you a mean look? Just sing louder.

Unless you’re incredibly wasted and the person glaring at you is a cop. Then you should probably shut the fuck up.

Hello there world!

I know, I know… it’s been a kazillion bajillion years since the last time I uploaded this ole’ blog. For a while there, life got so busy that I completely forgot about it. Then one day I googled myself to try to find an article I had published once upon a time… and my blog was gone. I’m not gonna lie. It freaked me out a bit. I may not have the time to come here very often anymore, but I spent way too much time sharing my deepest darkest thoughts on this site to just let it fade away. Plus I have a horrible memory and I like to have a timeline for this particular time in my life.

And thus, I’ve decided to make yet another effort to keep this site going. I’m sure I’ve long been erased from every rss feed… I’m not sure people even use rss feeds anymore. The internet seems to have changed so much in the last year. WordPress is foreign to me. I had to search through years of emails just to find my password. Words are even different. I no longer understand internet speak. The people of the internet seem to have forgotten how to spell simple words… either that, or I may have gotten old.

One things for sure. 2011 has been the craziest year of my life.

When it started I was in an extremely dark place.  I’ve always considered myself a pretty happy person. Sure, I’m emotional as hell… but I had never before  really felt depression. Long story short, I spent the better part of 6 months working on how to get a grip on my life through various forms of therapy, meditation and yoga. I had fallen back into disordered eating, had anxiety about the things I used to love, and for a while I was convinced I had lost my fire.

Then I lost my job and had to get out of town for the weekend. I took a free improv workshop at the Institution theater here  in Austin, and decided not to leave. I signed up for classes, found a part time job, and found a couple of roommates on Craigslist. That was in May. I still haven’t made it back to Dallas.

I miss my friends. A lot. But to be honest, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to look back, at least not yet. It scares me to think about where I was 6 months ago. I know I’ve grown a lot this last year, and there is no way I’ll fall again that deep… but it still scares me. Plus I’m busy as hell here and I love it.

The last few months have been amazing. I’ve met so many wonderful people in this city and I thank all of you for your encouragement. People are good. I look around and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have so many inspirational people in my life. I could have never adjusted so quickly in a new city if it weren’t for my sister, the Austin Improv Community, and the kind listeners who have reached out to me.

And that being said, I owe a long over due thank you to over a hundred of you friends and readers who wrote  recommendation letters to help me land my dream job. I fully intended to write each of you to thank you, but time got away from me and for that, I apologize. Your letters and made me laugh and cry. I still can’t believe how many of you came through for me.

Moreover, I owe this new found happiness to those of you who supported me through my tough times. I know I haven’t been the best at staying in touch, but there are A LOT of you in the blogging community and old friends who put up with a lot of complaining, venting, and whining from me over the last year. You lifted me up and encouraged me to go for my dreams. I appreciate you. And I’m glad to be back in the living. I LOVE YOU!!!

test test test testicals