I don’t know about you readers who aren’t here in Texas, but I have seriously hit the point where I feel as if I’ve entered into some sort of trippy cartoon time-machine and I’ve been blasted with  Professor Cold Heart’s Ice Machine.  I can take a couple of days of being cold. And I can take a couple of days of being wet, but a bunch of days of being both?? Ummm… No thanks, no time.

First of all, I am going to go ahead and offer an upfront apology for my bloghavior for the next few weeks. The last few months have been pretty low-key for me but I’m starting to get involved in a few things that are probably going to keep me from writing and commenting as much as I’d like to, plus I’m going to be packing and moving and such (which is no easy task for me.) But please know I’m still reading, and hopefully I’ll have more time than I’m anticipating!!

I’m  feeling a little overwhelmed about it all, but on the upside, I think I did finally find a place to live!!

Oh sure, I still need a few things… like a bed, a washer, a refrigerator, and oh, I dunno… Maybe 5000 dollars or so.

I’m trying to do things a little different this time around. Meaning, this time when I pack, I’m going to attempt to actually use boxes rather than just throwing random things in huge trash bags. I think I could benefit from a little (read: A ton) of organization in my life. I’m thinking it will go along nicely with my new “positive thinking” way of mind.

Oh you’re just dying to know about my weekend aren’t you? Well… fine then.

On Friday my comedy troupe went on a little comedy field trip to Fort Worth to one of my favorite places in all the land,  Four Day Weekend. If you live even remotely in the area you need to go and check out this amazing improv troupe. It was kind of weird. I hadn’t been back there in about 3  years, but that’s where I started out trying out this comedy business (holy shit it’s been a long time) nearly 8 years ago. I was quite the awkward performer back then… Not that I’m not sometimes now… but wow.

I think I can owe a lot to those awkward years though. I learned to put myself in uncomfortable experiences, to spend time and group-think with people I didn’t know, and nearly every week after class I learned to really, really enjoy going to the movies by myself.

Saturday, after a grueling day of house hunting, LA and I treated ourselves to a night out at a Bob Schneider concert. I drank too much and did a few foolish things that I will choose not to remember,  but overall, it was a pretty kick-ass time.

And if you do not yet know the glory that is Bob Schneider, do yourselves a favor and check him out.

Plus we saw a dude that looked exactly like a young version of Bob Ross. (RIP) I spent nearly 30 minutes contemplating how long it took him to prepare his hair, and it is still on my mind so now I’m all full of regrets for not asking him about it.

Is it just me, or does just thinking of that guy calm your soul?

The only other person in the world who can induce such a state of tranquility to my crazy brain…

Ahhh… yeah, Levar Burton. That’s what I’m talking about. Throw in a few candles, some string cheese, some good tunes, a bottle of wine- and I’m straight-up in my happy place.

Oh and yay!! Check out my story in the Matador Network! Thanks Candice!!

If you are from the DFW area, you better stick around until the bottom of this post or I will have to cut you!!!

You know how when you’re down- people start talking your ear, and your ass, and your face off about how if you have a positive attitude good things will start happening?

It reminds me of this corporate job I used to have that was probably the most boring/yet fun/ at least I had health insurance – where they made us watch this “Fish training video”, that was supposed to teach us to choose your attitude. If you haven’t been forced to sit through “Fish Training” -it basically is about these dudes in Seattle who work with smelly, slimy fish all day and LOVE IT because they get to throw fish around to each other and entertain people even though they smell of 27 day old underwear.  I don’t remember the details, but I do remember that they said the phrase “choose your attitude” about fifty bajillion times. At the time, all it made me do was buy a big bag of yummy Swedish fish and try to hit my unsuspecting co-workers in the head with them. And that WAS fun. Kind of.

Sooooo…I spent the majority of last week moping around the house listening to the Grizzly Bear’s and Elliot Smith’s most depressing songs, and purposely slow-walking through the rain (ever notice John Cusack does that in pretty much every movie?) because sometimes it just feels good to wallow in depression. Or not good, but if you’re already there, you might as well make a movie in your head about it.

After I got tired of being wet and cold and mocking Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions-I finally was like, What in the name of Oprah are you doing? Dude. Life is good. Being all passive aggressive and fifteen-year old angsty about shiz that you probably don’t even really care about and won’t matter 2 weeks from now, is just… donkey shit. Life can be hard, families have problems, and work and boys can both suck… Get over it.

Except this face looks more like someone might be following her...

The truth is, when I get like this- more than anything, I find that I’m just bored with life and so I start creating drama in my brain to spend my time obsessing over. At least I can admit that I am an emotional cutter.

So, being the non-nonsensical person that I am, I totes decided that I’d bite the bullet and give this fish/choose your attitude/ positive thinking -a chance.

And by gee golly, paint me purple and sparkly and call my grandmother- I think it’s working.

Good things are happening people.

My shuffle function on the ipod is my friend again. Last week during my semi-mediocre depression it was just pumping out the sad tunes. At one point it even played Jann Arden’s “Hanging by a Thread.” I didn’t even know I had that song. I mean you could have just found out that you won the lottery, that you don’t have any cavities even though you haven’t been to the dentist in like 9 years, and that Zach Braff  has been the one calling from an unknown number and breathing into your ear the last few weeks, and you will still want to cry when you hear this song!!!!

Now my ipod is back to being all jokstery with me and playing Copa Cobana every time I get in my car, and that’s totally cool. I laugh and say “ohhh youuuuu…. you get me every time,” and I change the damn song.

And other good stuff has been happening too.

I got word from the awesomeness that is Candice that the magazine that she writes for wants to run my weight loss story, which made me nearly pee my pants from excitement. I won tickets to go see Timbaland, whom I normally wouldn’t have gone to see, but this whole “positive” thinking led me to believe that it might be fun even though I haven’t listened to “that” kind of music since I quit dancing. And you know what? It was a blast. We danced and met a ton of people that I have already added to my friends for life list. Or at the very least, to my facebook friends  for life list.  In addition, I’ve been really trying to balls up and go for new opportunities in things that I have been avoiding (like performin some funny,) and now it seems I even get some stage time next week. But more about that later…

I think that’s enough butterflies and sunshine for one post.

Except for one thing. I told you a couple days ago that my friends and I got a little noshed last week and made a few dance videos. Well, I finally got my hands on the first one we did.

The sound is a little off and you have to skip to about 1.40, but I promise it’s worth it. LA’s the first one to boogie- and I have been cracking up at the image of her first moves all week. I’m the third up to bat- and I swear- it’s like I literally tried to dance out of my pants, I was so excited.

Enjoy internets. I would only do this for you.

Pee Ess (what,what???? thanks “Julie”) (go read her she’s fantabulous with three scoops of ice cream a cherry on top) ( Julie -don’t leave yet, there’s one more down there for you)

Attention Dallas Peeps!!!

A few of us Dallas bloggers have decided to blatantly plagiarize off of the D.C.-ERS and have planned a night of kickassery and drinktivities next Wednesday!! This will be my first time to meet ANY bloggers in real life and I am so totally pumped I actually googled “Real life Time Travel Techniques,” with no avail. So even though I have to wait, I figure it gives a few of you DFW’ers time to jump on board!!! Since we are all kind of spread out (TWHW) (That’s what he wishes) we are meeting a bit later than happy hour, but I can guarantee you there will still be happy hours to be had.

When:  Wednesday, February 10, 2010 @ 7:30 pm

Where:  Sherlock’s @ Park and 75

Who’s Coming: Shine, Gofahne, Graygrrrl, Natalie, Mary, and Carissa (me)  (and hopefully you?)

Let us know if you’re interested!!! We would love to have you!!

email me at carissajade@gmail.com

And “Julie” if you want to make a four hour drive, you can totally couch it at my house or in between my gayboy roommates since I know you will love them so much!!

I’m gonna be completely honest with you. This post was written while I was righteously tipsy. I just got home from seeing Timbaland, and although I wasn’t sure what to expect, we had a freaking blast and danced our asses off all night and had a blast. Sooooo…. I’ll have to tell you more about that latah! On to the TMI!

As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

Last week I gave you a video blog of all the things in the world that make me want to vomit.

This past weekend I was reminded of one that I left out… a very important one.

A  little back story.

Sometimes I can’t believe my friend A, is my friend. While she is one of the most fun and awesome people that I know, she is definitely more of a lady than some of my other friends. I could probably think of a ton of TMI stories about most of my friends, but not many about her.

Of course there was that time on her wedding day that I literally had to perform my Maid of Honor doodies and wipe her ass because her dress was too poofy to do it herself.

But that’s a different story for another day.

So last Saturday, my friend A and went out and got a little crazy. We met up with a bunch of our friends for a Birthday shenanigan… eventually I passed out, she woke me up and peeled my head off of the coffee table that I had passed out on (like she always does,) and we went back to her house where I slept on a little couch (while there was a big bed 40 feet away) with my legs propped up.

The next morning I woke up feeling surprisingly chipper. I was ready for a bloody mary and to start the whole adventure again.

She didn’t feel so great.

I could tell from the queezy look on her face, and because I kept finding her sprawled out on the cold tile floor, that she really wasn’t feeling it.

But like I said, she’s a trooper, and decided to join me for day two of drinktivities.

I think I’ve told you this before, but I rarely drive. I’m not very good at it, my car is a disaster… and frankly I get even 10 times more nervous when other people are in my car. Sunday morning, I had no choice in the matter. A’s car was at the bar that we were returning to, and we had no other way of getting there besides my car.

Before A got in my car, I tried my best to brush all the wrappers, empty McDonalds coffee cups, and loose change out of the passenger seat. I turned the ipod onto the calmest music I could find, and I told myself over and over “don’t be jerky, drive smooth,” as I could see that the girl was capable of tossing her cookies at any moment.

After a few seconds of being on the road- she switlyy put her foot up on the dashboard. She said it was because Dashboard Jesus was vibrating all over the place and it was making her nauseous.

Understandable.

After a few more seconds I could see that A was taking very deep breaths. She unrolled the window to get some fresh, freezing air.

I stiffened my shoulders and didn’t say a word.

The rest of the drive continued in this matter.

Just as our destination was in site, the mood shifted. A’s breaths grew quicker and more desperate. As I was pulling up, I could see A digging around through all the empty water bottles and papers and she came up with a plastic bag. At first I thought it was for her to breathe into, but then I remembered you’re supposed to do that with paper bags.

And then it started.

“Blerrrrrrghgggjgjjggjgj”

Oh no. She vommed.

I turned my head out the drivers side window and tried to imagine John Cusack riding toward me on a white horse. Wasn’t working.

With every lurch I could feel my body tighten. My senses were working on overload. The “blaerrethhrrrsaasrrsschhh” sound of wretched vomiting hit my ears like a tornado siren. The sound of the vom hitting the plastic baggy reminded me of a really fat person jumping slow-mo on a jumbo-tron. And in the split second that I looked over to make sure it was landing in the bag, the chunks that flew out of her mouth reminded me of the time that I ran into a glass door while carrying 2 gallons of curdled milk/old beer mixture) and it exploded all over my face. (Also another story)

I could feel my mouth starting to water and my arms start to shake. I tried to put it all out of my brain but the sounds, the smell…. it just wasn’t working!!

Queue in the dry heaves. “Blerrrrrrccchhhh”

I giggled thinking it was just a sympathy heave.

“blerrrrrrcccchhh” Ok maybe not so much.

I opened my door, and for the next ten minutes, A barfed into that plastic bag, while I heaved out the drivers side door. When I was finally able to compose myself, I looked at A and we both had tears in our eyes. Not a word was said. She wiped her hands on her pants, gathered that walmart bag that luckily didn’t have any holes in it, and took it to the dumpster. I wiped my lips and took a couple more deep breaths.

I suppose it could have been worse…

A said she would meet me at the next bar… and she did. The Drinktivities continued on for another 5 hours without another glitch. We didn’t speak of our barf-o-rama at the time… and we probably won’t mention it again until I get married and she pays me back for the vomit story that I told in my maid of honor speech at her wedding.

But it happened. And it was Legend- wait for it- dary.

Love you A!!!

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock or somewhere in my car, you’ve been on Craigslist.

Time out… Let’s take another look at my car and make sure you’re not in there.

No? Well we really can’t be sure, can we? You haven’t even seen the back seat yet. And I’m not going to bother with that because quite frankly it disgusts me to look at.

Anydisgustingness, I keep hearing about how this Craigslist world is such a magical place. I spent a million hours on it a day when I was looking for a jobby-job. As a result I never got a job, but I did go on many interesting interviews. However, it seems like everyone else that I know in the whole-wide-world has had magnificent success on Craigslist. I have friends who have sold cars in an hour, found great deals on iphones, and it seems some people have great success finding hookups. I’ll admit, I’ve spent quite a bit of time perusing the Men seeking men section. It’s quite amusing.

I know I’ve mentioned that I’m moving in a couple of weeks, and I have no idea where. Actually, there are quite a few things I need to work out in the next few weeks… I have  things to get rid of, I need a bed, and I’m not sure how I’m going to survive outside of my current living situation.

It’s very bitter sweet. I currently have 2 roommates, two of them being my two favorite gay boys in the world. Now they are moving off to live on their own, and while I’m super pumped about living with my BFF LA, who is going to blow dry my hair when I’m too lazy to do so? Who is going to make high-pitched pig oinks to deter me from eating a brownie? Who the hell is going to stop me from leaving the house looking like a homeless person?????  And once again… where am I going to live???????

In an act of desperation, I’ve decided to turn to Craigslist for answers. I know what I’m looking for may not exist, but if everything I’ve heard about Craigslist is true- I figure it’s worth a try!!!

Housing wanted: Looking for house/condo/castle/bungalow/log cabin/mansion

Location: DFW

We are 2 girls looking for housng for rent in the DFW area. We would like to be close to Fort Worth, but I work in Butt-Effing-North Dallas, so preferably something in the middle of the two. We could probably afford anything up to $1,300- but would really like to stay in the $600-$900 price range so that we have more money left over for booze and DVDs. We need a minimum of three bedrooms, a large back yard, a pool and hot tub (with a hot pool boy included,) a wet bar, 2 master bathrooms, jacuzzi tubs, a fountain, a statue somewhere in the yard, a two car garage, 2 living areas, an office, an exercise room, a wet bar, and a bidet.

Neither of us are very clean, but we promise to stuff everything in our closets if the land-lord ever needs to stop by. Actually we would prefer a land-lord that lives out of the country. Must be pet friendly as my roommate will be bringing her poop-eating Basset hound, and I will be buying a new rat in the near future. Or maybe a ferrett, I haven’t decided yet. I would reallllly like a monkey, but I’m not sure that is legal.

We are friendly neighbors, and expect the same out of anyone who lives near us!! To be more specific we would really like to live next to hot single boys. They must like to drink beer and know how to fix things and it would really help if they know how to cook.

On the other side, we would like to live next door to an old lady who likes to make ice tea and bring us left-overs.

We aren’t very loud but do like to sing and hold dance parties in our living room. We may not pay rent on time every month, but if we don’t, we promise to have super good excuses.

Can’t wait to live in your home!!

Roommate wanted: Looking for gay roommate to fill some  big shoes!!

Location: DFW

Heeeeeyyyyyyyy Lovahs!!!!!

Do you need a place to live? Do you like to clean and lot drink wine? Do you know every word to the Rent soundtrack?? We may be the roommates for you!!!

I am losing my gay best roommate, and I need a replacement ASAP.

Must love singing, watching Glee, and indulging my taste for cheezy romance movies. I sometimes forget to unplug things like hair rollers or flat-irons, so I need someone who will leave for work after me, and who will check for these things. Must be computer savvy, and know how to fix my phone when it freezes up. It is imperative that you like cheese… a lot. You must like/and know how to break in a pair of high heels in short amount of time. Must lovvvveeee to do dishes, or at least hate the way that I do them- so that you will do them yourself. It would be a great plus if you enjoy organizing things on shelves and know how to clean up an exploded toilet.

In addition your duties will also include: making sure I pay my bills, cooking all of my meals, blowing out my candles that I leave burning, figuring out how to put the tv on DVD mode, making the internet work on my computer, cleaning up glass when I drop my wine, ironing my hair with the clothes- iron when I want it really shiny, telling me when I’m being a bitch, reminding me to take back my movies, and telling me that you have all the symptoms as I do when I think I’m dying so that I don’t think I’m going to die alone.

I can deal with the bugs that need squishing, but I will need someone who will not tell anyone if I drunkenly decide to pee in an empty water cooler in the garage. I’ll keep your secrets for you too!!

Can’t wait play board games and sneak wine into art house movies with you!!!!

Jobs/Volunteer/Intern: Life Coach/decision maker needed

Location: DFW

I am a single, indecisive girl looking for a companion to help me through life!! You can be male or female, but I am (mostly) looking for a platonic relationship- so if you’re male it would be best if you’re asexual.

Job Description: Make every decision for me.

Details: Your job will be to make sure that I make no more silly mistakes in life, though if I do- you will be responsible for them.

Must be able to make quick, smart, decisions. These will range anywhere from big-life changing decisions (should I text, or should I not text) to small decisions that may or may not have an impact on my life (what should I eat for dinner.)

Skills: Nutrition, fashion, boys, social networking, facebook updating, dealing with drunk people.

Compensation: None.

___

Wish me luck!!