I’m way behind on the internet.

Actually, I’m way behind on everything. I’m even way behind on being way behind.

That’s what happens when you take two days off from all your jobs to get dental work done and to go on a mini-vacation to stay in the beautiful Hotel Havana on the river walk in San Antonio, and to camp in the wilderness.

 

 

 

I learned a few things about myself this weekend.

#1. It is absolutely glorious to take a break from social media and the internet. I wasn’t sure I’d survive a weekend of no cellphone service, but it was glorious!

#2. I will never be able to successfully pee outdoors without falling down in it, but a tree is a very useful tool.

#3.  I can eat a chili dog without barfing it up on whomever is sleeping next to me. (The previous time I ate a chili dog, when I was seven, resulted in me barfing on my cousin’s head.)

#4.Even at thirty, pretending to be stranded in the wilderness due to a zombie apocalypse is really fun…. even if you’re the only one pretending.

#5. Popping your head up in the middle of your boyfriend’s panoramic photo is the best game ever.

 

 

 

 

 

#6.   It feels really good to become one with nature.

#7.    The dentist is not my enemy. In fact, it’s kind of fun to have numb-mouth. You can even gnaw on your lip for hours without feeling it.

It’s come to my attention lately that I am a HORRIBLE girlfriend.

It’s been months since I’ve given my “boyfriend” an ounce of attention. I haven’t written him any long love letters filled with quotes from The Clash Songs. I haven’t posted any pictures of us making googly eyes at each other. I haven’t even spent hours sitting on my couch staring longingly into his eyes.

Of course I’m not talking about my REAL boyfriend whom I embarrass daily on the air and write about on my blog.

No. I’m an excellent girlfriend to him. Yesterday I even let him make me a shrimp taco and spent my day off lounging in his bed. I love him dearly and he knows it.

I am talking about my fake internet boyfriend, John Cusack. At one point, you could google “John Cusack’s girlfriend,” and my little blog would be right at the top of the search results.

I’m saddened to admit that is no longer the case.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t want us to break up. I still get butterflies when I think about Serendipity and High Fidelity.  But then I think about The Raven and my stomach coils.

What happened to my insecure, unsung hero?

I run into him periodically on the twitter machine – but I can’t seem to understand anything that he is talking about. At this point, I’m not whether it’s that I am too ignorant to understand his left-wing political rants, or if I am too ignorant to understand the language of gibberish.

Then, last week I stumbled across this little gem of a film called “The Paperboy.” My boyfriend plays Hillary Van Wetter, an insane backwoods maniac from Florida, which is exactly where all insane back-woods maniacs seems to live.  Ward Jenson (Matthew McConaughey) and his brother Jake (Zac Effron) set out to investigate Hillary with the help of Charlotte Bess (Nicole Kidman) who plays a crazy stalker fan who wants to marry him.

I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, because overall, it’s extremely disturbing.

I can recommend this movie based on three reasons.

#1. Here is your chance to see John Cusack with Nicolas Cage hair. Surprisingly, I learned that I am attracted John Cusack with Nicolas Cage hair.

 

 

#2. Zac Efron doesn’t wear a shirt for 93% of the film. Also, Nicole Kidman pees on him.

 

#3. Most importantly, there is a telepathic sex scene between my boyfriend and Nicole Kidman. Am I jealous? Of course not. How do you think he learned how to do that?

(This isn’t the best copy of the scene, but it’s the best the internets have to offer. )

 

Let’s hope that 2013 brings us much more John Cusack, and that once again will reign queen of all “John Cusack’s Girlfriend” google searches.

Hi! How are you? How is your face? I miss you!!!

Me? I’m super busy this week.

I’ve been attempting to give this little thing called “Time Management” a try, and this week-between getting back involved in comedy, taking on a new social media consulting gig, reading  a very engaging apocalyptic fiction book on my kindle, and trying to organize a million files at the station-I have had very little time left over for managing anything.

I didn’t want to leave the tens of you readers hanging though, so I decided to repost an extremely disgusting post from 2009. If you are a listener of the show (Dudley and Bob), I brought this up today but due to the lovely rules of the FCC, couldn’t go into detail.

Please keep in mind this did happen 4 years ago, but it did happen. Enjoy.

 

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Three weeks ago today was the last day of my “woman” cycle. (Frick, it’s already been 3 weeks?) You know how that last day goes. A tampon is more of a precaution than a necessity. So that Thursday night before I went to sleep, I went ahead and took that precaution.

The following evening I decided to make the 5 hour drive to visit some friends in Houston. Before I left, I ran through my mental checklist, making sure I wouldn’t get half-way there and realize I had done something traumatic, like forget my hair straightener.  About 30 minutes into the drive, I came to a dreadful realization. I couldn’t remember taking it out from the night before.

Since I had gone to work a little hungover and dehydrated that day (as I do most Fridays,) I knew I had only used the restroom a couple of  times in the last 24 hours- and neither of those times included tampon removal.

My first thought was “Oh my God, I have toxic shock.” I then briefly imagined myself into a headache and a bad case of the chills.

My second thought should have been “I need to find a gas station where I can pull over and take this out, pronto.”

Note: I have this thing when I’m on road trips where I absolutely will not pull over unless I’m 20 seconds away from pissing myself, or I see a sign that says “worlds best beef jerky”

And since there was no such sign in sight, my actual second thought was “I bet I can take this out while driving!”

Turns out it wasn’t so difficult, even when going 80 mph on the highway.  Luckily, I was wearing a skirt, and by keeping one foot on the gas- I was able to half way stand up and… well all you need to know is that it is possible.

It wasn’t until it was removed that I realized I hadn’t thought about disposal. I panicked for a moment that I would have to break my “no littering of tampons” clause and was just about to throw it out the window, when I spotted a paper bag buried under the junk pile on the floor board of my car.

I put it in the bag, threw the bag back onto the floorboard of my car, and within in a few minutes I was so caught up in listening to an episode of “This American Life,” that I completely forgot about my predicament.

Until this Monday, when I was rummaging through my car trying to find my glasses. I spotted that brown paper bag and it all came flooding back to me.

I am a disgusting, despicable person. And this is just one more reason why you should never ride in my car.

I started this week out with a sense of vigor that I haven’t felt in months.

I felt happier. I felt revitalized. I had more energy. Getting off of the couch to walk to the bathroom no longer required the “you can do it” self-motivational speech.

I even went grocery shopping and fully intended to stick to (mostly) clean eating. For me, that’s a diet that consists of cheese, eggs, beans and cabbage. If you’re thinking that my diet plan sounds like a lethal combination to anyone who may be in my nearby vicinity, you’d be right. It’s only bad for the first few days though, then your body adjusts.

I digress. So I started the week as a women on a mission, and it felt good.

Like most good things, my new leaf’s life was short-lived. I woke up yesterday  feeling as if someone had snuck into my room and filled every orifice of my body with gravy. My ears hurt. My eyes hurt. Before I inhaled a few drops of Afrin, I was afraid that if I blew my nose-I’d bust a blood vessel in my brain.

I almost used this as an excuse not to write anything today, but I decided I could at least stick to one of my goals. Though I have to admit, writing regularly again has felt really, really good-And I sincerely thank every single one of you who have taken the time to stop by here. Even more thanks to those of you who have provided feed-back. ( I LOVE FEEDBACK!)

I know the variety of style and subject matter on this blog may sometimes be whiplash-inducing.  I’m fully aware of the fact that one day I’m all weird and random,  the next I’m serious and emotional, and then other days I simply use this as a journal to keep track of my life.

That’s just the way it’s going to be, folks. I used to spend so much time worrying about who was going to read this, or whether they are going to be entertained… but it has been really nice to just write to fit the way I’m feeling.

Either my coffee maker is broken, or I really suck at making coffee

Bah, see? I’m all over the place. Stupid cold meds.

Yesterday afternoon I fought off the urge to take Nyquil and sleep the day away, and instead went to do a few laps at K1 Speed Austin in preparation for tonight’s Dudley and Bob event.

 

To be honest with you, the idea of racing around in circles while trapped in a tiny vehicle with a helmet over my face sounds like a vision plucked straight from my own personal hell.

I hate driving. I especially hate driving fast. I don’t like other cars on the road being anywhere near me. I don’t even get on the highway unless it’s absolutely necessary. That’s right. I take the access roads nearly everywhere.

I especially don’t like the idea of people bumping into me or the possibility of ramming into a concrete wall.

Still, I’m not one to turn down the opportunity to test my comfort zone, and I absolutely despise being left out, so I decided to give it a try.

Turns out my own personal hell is actually quite fun.

I’ll be honest. I was very apprehensive going into my first race. Luckily, we went during a fairly quiet time when there were only a few other people on the track with us. Unfortunately (for them), those few other people were there to RACE, and they took it quite seriously.

After my first turn, I even heard a few people complain about my inability to stay on one side of the track. I turned around and let one guy know that I was used to driving a station wagon, and that usually people have no choice but to stay out of my way. (KIDDING). (Kind of.)

On my second turn I was given a booster seat, which helped a lot. I let loose, sped up, and found myself laughing hysterically as I made my way around the track.

Even though I was dead-last in both of my races and was lapped repeatedly by everyone else on the track, I was quite pleased with my speed.

I learned once again, that TRYING NEW THINGS IS ALWAYS FUN!

If you live in Austin and haven’t tried indoor racing yet, I highly suggest you come out tonight to K1 Speed tonight for some free Rudy’s and to see if you can beat our top-speeds! We’ll be out there from 6-8pm, and it should be a blast!

Just a warning: Driving your regular car after speeding around on these tiny go-carts may prove to be difficult. Especially if you drive a ginormous station wagon.

On a completely separate note, I have to publicly thank my boyfriend for surprising me with a variety of soups and comfort food  last night in an effort to make me feel better. Even after I outed him as being a huge liar here on my blog. He’s the bestest.